ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1997, Roanoke Times
DATE: Monday, April 7, 1997 TAG: 9704070131
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: BEN BEAGLE
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
Pretty soon now t
The world as we have known it for months has been ruined and set asunder - as we said right often in Radford - by daylight-saving time.
Every year I rage against the unnatural, suffocating effects of fiddling around with time as God saw it - which, of course, started when he let people learn how to play golf.
And every year it comes anyway, and newspapers run little boxes that tell you how to set your clocks before you go to bed on the last night of standard time.
What you do is remember that God's time starts in the fall, thus you "fall back" for standard time and "spring forward" into daylight time.
Clever, that.
Full-lipped female anchorpersons with flawless teeth tell you essentially the same thing on television.
And nobody remembers to set their clocks the night before, and on the Monday after the time change, employees get notes in their personnel files for being late or early for work.
Bosses never seem to see the notes on people who are early for work.
It is tyranny|
Why, you might ask, is an old has-been such as yours truly here, who doesn't have to go to work on Mondays, so upset by daylight-saving time?
For one thing, I think it shows an alarming trend in government to regulate, regiment and govern the indomitable spirit of the American people.
I further believe that standard time was passed on to us by a kind deity so that men and women would have the best chance in an ever-changing world and as aid in their ever-present struggle with the forces that would deny them their ultimate, deserved destinies.
I think it is a form of tyranny that will erode the ideals upon which this country was built and should be condemned by every thinking American.
All of the above aside, I also know that daylight-saving time means that it's still light out at my usual bedtime.
Unless you're working the graveyard shift - which I hope I never have to do again - it makes you feel guilty to be in bed while the sun is still up.
You watch. Scientists will discover that shift workers who don't drink a lot of grape juice are disoriented to the extent they don't know where the hell they are.
(When I worked the graveyard shift, I didn't know where I was either. Or 3-to-11, a good shift for keeping out of trouble.)
Or a deodorant conspiracy|
Daylight-saving time gives me extra time to sweat, which is something I don't really need, although it is one of the few things I do well.
It wouldn't surprise me to find that the deodorant industry has given millions of dollars to politicians to make sure daylight-saving time comes every year.
I wouldn't even guess how many deodorant CEOs have slept in the Lincoln bedroom during the Clinton presidency.
I expect Newt Gingrich owns stock in La Paloma Roll On - which you or your wife, the UPS man, Mr. Goodwrench, Bart Simpson, your sister or your cat could use.
No matter what your Ph is.
In addition, there are some interpreters of the times in which we live who say that daylight-saving time fouls up the real time for the cocktail hour.
As if I cared about stuff like that.
LENGTH: Medium: 69 linesby CNB