ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1997, Roanoke Times
DATE: Tuesday, April 15, 1997 TAG: 9704150039
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Beth Macy
SOURCE: BETH MACY
How to climb Virginia's highest peak:
First, receive an invitation to join The Assault on Mount Rogers from your husband's men's group, called Rogues, Rascals and Rapscallions.
Don't be dissuaded by the fact that dogs and spouses - in that order - are invited to tag along for the quintessential male-bonding experience, I mean, The Assault.
Don't be put off by the fact that you're supposed to meet in Radford at 9 a.m. for The Assault, which is really 8 a.m. considering it's the first day of daylight-saving time - and you have never in your life sprung forward in an assault-like fashion.
Seriously regret mixing decaf in with the caf.
Three hours later, when the seven of you arrive at the base of the mountain - and six of you take off in the wrong direction from the parking lot - say a prayer of thanks for the rogue named Parvinder, who points gently to the looming peak and says, ``Uh, I think that's it, over there.''
Rogues, Rascals and Rainmen
Say another prayer of thanks for your buddy Dan, who loaned you the rain gear.
Notice that there is only one other car in the parking lot on such a blustery April morning and that - this is a first - your head is actually in the clouds. Rain clouds.
Begin the 4.5-mile Assault, all of you, clad in a rainbow of protective plastic. Five rogues, an 80-pound puppy named Bailey and two wives (we prefer the term ``roguettes,'' although we vow: no pompoms).
Realize that it is not humanly possible to make the 4.5-mile Assault and be back in Roanoke to relieve the baby sitter at 6 p.m. When your husband says, ``I thought I'd done the math,'' remind him about the time he had his own checkbook and these two little words: overdraft protection.
Creating an optical illusion
Overlook your sopping wet hiking boots in favor of the velvety green moss, the calm demeanor of the two through-hikers you pass, and the roguette named Cindy, who has an extraordinary way with chocolate-chip cookies.
About a quarter-way into The Assault, break for lunch. Seriously enjoy Parvinder's authentic Indian cooking - better than you'd eat at home any day.
When the downpour starts and someone suggests heading back, don't mention the previously planned Assault. Don't laugh when the rogues begin setting up photographs that make it appear as if they've reached the peak - proof for their fellow rogues in the Pittsburgh chapter, which challenged them to The Assault.
Volunteer to shoot the pictures from a very low angle. Make sure no mountains - the peak of Mount Rogers, for instance - appear in the background.
In the event of a photographic slip, mention that you know people at the paper who have the technology to move mountains. With computers.
Currying favors, making friends
On the way home, regroup in Independence for cheeseburgers and coffee. When one rogue brings up rescheduling The Assault, change the subject. Casually mention that you'd like to get together again soon - to watch Parvinder create his authentic Indian cuisine.
Realize that it's not about scaling the summit, but about the getting there.
And the not getting there.
Realize that The Assault is not very different from browsing the racks at TJ Maxx with Mary, seeing ``The English Patient'' with Sue, or helping Karen pick out a stroller for her soon-to-be-here baby.
Vow that the next time your husband refers to such outings as Ladies Life Experience, bring up The Assault.
LENGTH: Medium: 74 linesby CNB