ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1997, Roanoke Times
DATE: Thursday, April 17, 1997 TAG: 9704170033
SECTION: CURRENT PAGE: NRV-2 EDITION: NEW RIVER VALLEY
COLUMN: Home front
SOURCE: L. DAWN BARNES
Ask most couples what they fight about, and the answer is likely to be money. There are ways to improve communication on this usually painful topic.
Discussing money in a constructive manner will not only help preserve peace in families, it can actually help make the family more financially secure, says Jeanne Hogarth, consumer economist with Cornell Cooperative Extension. Avoiding the topic is the wrong strategy; instead, families need to learn to talk about money in a way that will produce a spirit of cooperation.
"When family members don't talk about their money situation, even the most workable spending plan is doomed for failure," Hogarth says. She recommends that families avoid these common mistakes:
Don't assume that you're fighting over money because you don't have enough of it. While this may be true for many of us, couples and families more often fight over money because of misunderstanding about spending and communication problems.
Don't assume that the person who earns the most has the right to decide how the family income is spent. Everyone in a family works, whether at home or at a job, and everyone contributes to the family's well-being. To avoid arguments, families should make money decisions together, whether all members work outside the home or not. This way, everyone agrees on money goals, everyone is involved in developing the spending plan, and everyone will be satisfied with how the family money is spent.
"In fact, families who believe that whoever earns the money should decide how it is spent often have problems sticking to a spending plan," Hogarth points out.
Don't assume that children need to be protected from discussions about money.
"If parents talk openly with their children about finances, their children are usually more willing to carry out decisions," Hogarth says. "Family members who talk to each other are often part of a strong family group."
Those are the don'ts. Here are some recommended do's:
When planning a family discussion about money, set aside a time and place to meet.
Involve everyone, including children and other household members.
Identify an issue for the meeting and stick to it.
Invite open discussion from all members so that the family can come to a decision that everyone agrees with.
Once a problem has been solved, write down what each person has agreed to do and when, to avoid later disagreements.
Encourage family members to avoid "you" statements: "You never let me buy the clothes I want." Instead, use "I" statements: "I feel that I don't have enough say about my clothes budget." This can help avoid accusation and confrontation.
During the discussion, be honest about your money situation and listen to each other. Make sure you understand what others are saying. And then be flexible.
"You may need to compromise your individual wants for the good of the family," Hogarth says.
L. Dawn Barnes is an agent with the family and consumer sciences of Virginia Cooperative Extension.
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