ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1997, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, April 23, 1997 TAG: 9704230020
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: BEN BEAGLE
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
For years the late Jeanne Dixon got me crazy when I read my horoscope, and things haven't changed much since Eugenia Last took over.
On a recent morning - a couple of days after I learned you can buy a Jesus Christ doll for $65 - people born under the sign of Taurus were told they should "spend a passionate day" with someone they loved.
I liked the forecast for Cancer people better. It said Cancers didn't need a lot of people around, and if company came over they should make some excuse and go to bed early.
I'm all for going to bed early, but there is some danger here. I mean, there's liable to be a Cancer out there who takes his horoscope seriously and would throw out his in-laws if they came visiting after 7 p.m. - even if they brought a lot of neat presents.
What a cute couple we are
Anyway, after the greatest station wagon driver of them all came out of the woods where she had been wrestling wild grapevines out of the trees, I started talking about my horoscope.
"I'm told I should spend a passionate day with someone I love," I said. "I'm perfectly willing to do that, although I really had planned to get a haircut today.
"I thought we might order a pizza and have an intimate luncheon on the deck. There's plenty of no-calorie Mountain Dew in the pantry. Then, I thought we could stroll hand-in-hand down Happy Highfields Road for as far as we could go before our knees started hurting, and the neighbors would remark on what a cute couple we are."
"I think," the driver said, "your horoscope is telling you to spend a day with yourself."
"You're just mad because your horoscope isn't as good as mine this morning," I said. "I'm certainly glad mine didn't tell me to shuffle through some papers. Kind of makes you glad you aren't an Aquarius."
"Do we really have to get into this?" the driver said. "I've got things to do, and, come to think of it, you do need a haircut pretty bad."
I wish I were a Scorpio
"That's right," I said. "Let a man bare his very soul and then abase him with ridicule and denial. I wish I were a Scorpio. A Scorpio is advised to travel today and that a promotion may mean a change of residence."
"If I can be of any help with the passport or the plane ticket, just let me know," the driver said.
"I wish I were a Virgo." I said. "I wouldn't have all these insults to bear. I'd be out there right now getting stay-at-homes to join things, no matter how nervous or expectant they may be."
"Well," the driver said, "it certainly takes a stay-at-home to know a stay-at-home. Maybe you could form Recluses Anonymous or something like that. You could get a group to take a trip to Myrtle Beach. You know how you love the beach."
"I wish I were a Sagittarius," I said. "I'd be taking care of some hidden matters that have bothered me for years, and I'd be tying up loose ends and stuff like that.
"At least, I wouldn't be getting my good intentions cruelly rebuffed. I expect my next horoscope will say I ought to avoid having my good intentions rebuffed."
"Whatever," the driver said, and she disappeared into the woods again.
"Yeah, well," I said. "I may be a Taurus, but I'm going to act like a Cancer if any of your relatives come over."
LENGTH: Medium: 69 linesby CNB