THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, June 13, 1994 TAG: 9406130193
SECTION: SPORTS PAGE: C1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: Bob Molinaro
DATELINE: 940613 LENGTH: Medium
To the sounds of rattling lawyers, major league owners and players predict that labor hostilities will severely truncate the baseball season.
{REST} A strike, in other words.
When it comes, a fan had better have a survival plan.
Here are some things you can do to help pass the time once the box scores disappear from the daily fish wrap:
Blame Tonya Harding.
Imagine what Michael Jordan does with $16-a-day meal money.
Invite Darryl Strawberry to join a slo-pitch softball league that doesn't conduct urine tests.
Learn to bounce a soccer ball off your head.
Ask yourself why kamikaze pilots bothered wearing crash helmets.
Wait for ESPN's Chris Berman to hang silly nicknames on pro bowlers.
Water your lawn with the tears of Rotisserie league players.
Take Ralph Kiner to lunch.
Put your remote control on the disabled list.
Ask an aerobics instructor why he or she is smiling.
Stake your tomatoes with Louisville Sluggers.
Steam some crabs.
Sit in the rain, eat strawberries and cream, and pretend you're at Wimbledon.
Try to name somebody more anonymous than a first base coach.
Be as tough as Bermuda grass.
Call a friend for a lively debate on whether wood or aluminum bats make better tomato stakes.
Drag an infield.
Send Joe Montana a can of WD-40 for his elbow.
Be the first in your office to start a Rotisserie synchronized swimming league.
Prepare for Mike Tyson's return bout with civilization.
Attract attention: Eat airline food with a smile.
Set your VCR for the sand volleyball Game of the Week.
Adopt a fungo bat.
Write Larry Bird and ask for his favorite brand of sunscreen.
Picture Jordan back in a Chicago Bulls uniform.
Wonder how radio could let Larry King get away.
Revive a fashion craze: Wear Jack Purcells.
Try listening to the Notre Dame fight song without humming along.
Toast Mickey Mantle's health with a club soda.
Start a Canadian football Rotisserie league, eh?
Resist becoming too attached to Old Dominion University coaches.
Whatever Bob Barker is eating, stock up on it.
Impress your friends by memorizing the pitching matchups for each Mexican League game.
Be thankful that Dick Vitale is the only man in America without his own radio talk show.
Send Bobby Hurley a get-well card.
Play a round of golf as if you were leasing your cart by the minute.
Fight the urge to laugh at Jennifer Capriati jokes.
Send the Boston Celtics a get-well card.
Look on the bright side: A strike is less painful than watching the American League West.
Revisit your youth: Play Wiffle Ball.
Picture a World Series between the Colorado Silver Bullets and a team of celebrities managed by Elvis.
Try to come up with dumber nicknames than Raptors and Mighty Ducks.
Carve ``Gone fishing'' into your hair.
Charge the mound.
Count down to two-a-days.
Don't give up on baseball. In lieu of live action, recycle your memories.
by CNB