THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SUNDAY, June 19, 1994 TAG: 9406230537
SECTION: HAMPTON ROADS WOMAN PAGE: 06 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: Compiled by DENISE WATSON
DATELINE: 940619 LENGTH: Long
For many, he's the overlooked guy at the end of the dinner table who coughs up a couple of bucks when you need it. The one who's good at loosening stuck caps on ketchup bottles.
{REST} Fathers in our society often are seen as secondary parents only, but we - particularly their daughters - should know better.
A dad's influence on his little girl's life is critical.
He's the first man she will know, love and trust. He gives her the first glimpse of what women should expect from men, and what men expect from women.
``If he's caring and sensitive and provides a model for what an appropriate male should be, . . . then I think a daughter has a really good role model for what to look for in future relationships,'' said Stephen W. Tonelson, associate professor of child studies and special education at Old Dominion University in Norfolk - and the father of two girls.
``It just makes the rest of the relationships that much easier,'' Tonelson said. ``You know what you're looking for.''
Thus fathers help shape what women become.
On this Father's Day, we invited readers to talk about their dads. How they nursed them through illnesses. Taught them to fish. Pushed them when they needed a push.
How they were ``Dad'' to them.
\ \ Joey Burns
Norfolk
I first remember being 8 or 9 when we lived in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. I'd be swimming in the meets, and my dad would be in the stands.
When I went to ODU, I always looked up in the stands, and he would be there.
Now I'm 42 years old, and my dad is still coming to see me.
I've been competing in triathlons for 11 years, and my dad has been there, dragging my mom along.
But my dad has become a standard feature at the meets. He stands by the refreshment table as my countman to tell me where I am.
He says: ``Your number two (or six) is right behind you or ``Get the lead out.''
When I can cross the finish line and look over my shoulder, he's there.
Always supportive, that's what he is.
\ \ Karen Land
Virginia Beach
When I think about the relationship I shared with my dad, it is hard to remember anything that he was not willing to get involved with for me and my sister whether it was a dance recital, coaching first base on a softball team, sitting on the sidelines at a Jobies (Job's Daughters) meeting or balancing our checkbook. He was and is a part of what we do. I know all these activities are not his favorites, but he was willing to be a part of them just because of us. He enjoys sharing in what brought us happiness.
\ \ Jill Burcic
Virginia Beach
He's my stepfather, but he's my father.
When I was in junior high school, the thing to do was to go to the skating ring every Friday night. No one would mind dropping me and my friends off, but no one wanted to pick us up because we wouldn't be finished until 11:30 or 12 at night.
But my father would volunteer every week. One time when he picked up my friends, Susan and Betina, and me, we were sitting in the car and started hinting, ``I sure am hungry. . . . I sure am thirsty. . . . Gosh, sure would like some McDonald's fries.''
And my dad looks over and says ``We're pulling in girls, don't worry.'' And that became a ritual. He'd pick us up, we'd go to McDonald's, order what we wanted and he'd sit there with us, laughing and joking around. It could be 12:30, whatever, it didn't matter.
I remember one time when I was in the 10th grade, my dad had gone into my room - something he never did - and when I asked him what he had been doing, he said, ``Oh, nothing. Just looking for my pen.''
When I went to bed, I felt this lump under my pillow and I found this box. He had given me a watch. For nothing special; just because.
\ \ Nancy Lia
Norfolk
My dad died about six years ago, but he was always one of the smartest men in the neighborhood. Kids would always come to ask him to help them with their homework. He was a pharmacist as well as a high school principal, and learning and knowledge were always such big things for him.
When he got sick we were all devastated, but my dad made the best of it.
He believed you could learn something from everything. So as he was dying, he wanted to learn all that he could about the experience of dying. He stayed at home and refused to take any pain medicine. When he got very bad, he couldn't get out of bed. When we had to give him a urinal and he was only drinking Gatorade, he said, ``Nancy, I want you to get me a lab book and I want you to measure everything I take in and everything that comes out.'' He was making this scientific experiment out of his dying body.
And then, as I choked back tears, he said, ``Don't confuse the urine with the Gatorade.''
At the time we were just so miserable with losing him, but now I think back and think, ``What a wonderful person.''
\ \ Latrisse Goffigan
Virginia Beach
I can remember all the times I came home crying because of what someone had said about me or because I was upset, and my dad made me feel better.
I got in a car accident in September of 1992. I was in the emergency room, and my father was the first one to come in. When I saw him, I started crying and he made a joke about how when my sister panicked and cried, all he had to do was give her a bag of Doritos and she calmed down. He made me laugh, too.
I used to play the violin and when I played for him, he applauded. So I thought I was really good. It wasn't until later, when my orchestra teacher said I should get out of class, that I realized how horrible I was. But he made me feel like I was great.
When I was in the fifth grade, I lost an essay contest and I came home upset and told my dad I would never write again. He told me a story about when Michael Jordan was in high school, everyone told him he couldn't play basketball. But he went on to become one of the greatest.
I started to write again.
He's taught me the good side of life and not to worry about what others think of me.
\ \ Gretchen Suthon
Virginia Beach
I'm not the beauty-queen type, but in our community of Donaldsonville, La., we needed to send a festival representative to a beauty pageant. I was asked to go. My mom couldn't go with me because she was a schoolteacher, but my dad said, ``Sure, you're my beauty queen,'' and he took off two days from work and drove me to a neighboring town.
He spent the next few days following me from party to party and taking me to a luncheon here, a parade there. He was certainly the only dad there.
He never had a problem doing things for us kids, whether it was to pick us up after basketball practice or take us to the orthodontist.
He was caring, too.
I had a great-uncle, who in his mid-80s, found a woman he wanted to marry but his family didn't accept her. But my dad showed up and was the best man at the wedding.
\ \ Christa Whittaker
Chesapeake
My dad taught for 30 years before he retired, and I said I'd never go into teaching, but of course I did - because of him. The most memorable thing about him is his sense of humor, when it came to his students. He never let anything get to him.
The one thing that stands out in my mind is the time he was bitten by a bat. He had to go to the hospital because the bat was rabid, but since he taught science, he was more concerned about retrieving the bat so he could display it in his science class.
After he got out of the hospital, the kids would joke around, flap their arms and call him, ``Batman.'' He took the one kid who was instigating this into the hall. My dad had crushed up Alka-Seltzer tablets and packed them into his cheeks, went to the water fountain and took a sip of water. His mouth started foaming. He started shaking, convulsing and running after the kid. And that was the end of it.
That sort of sums up how he handled any kind of problem. And that's what he gave to me.
\ \ Sari Stone
Virginia Beach
Several years ago, I was divorced. I had a 3-year-old kid, and things were really tight. I had three years left of college, and I didn't think I was going to be able to do that and support my son and myself.
I kept thinking, ``My son is 3; he'll be 6 when I finish'' and ``I'm too old to start.'' But my dad sat me down and told me, ``The time is going to go by either way. In three years you're either going to be a teacher or in three years, you're going to be a waitress.''
My dad would leave his home at 5:30 a.m. to get to my house at 6 to watch my son and take him to preschool. There were times when my son didn't want to go to preschool, or he didn't want to get dressed. It was difficult. And my dad worked, but he did this for me.
Now I'm teaching a second-grade class at Lynnhaven Elementary.
Last year, my students wrote him a thank-you card because I told them I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him.
\ \ Michelle Carrasco
Virginia Beach
The one thing I remember most was when I graduated from high school and planning to enlist in the Navy. The night before I left, my dad came into my room, sat in my bean bag and made me sit down on his lap. Here I was 18 years old, and I could still sit on dad's knee.
And we just sat there and talked for the longest time about how much he would miss me and the things we had done together. I guess he was making sure he had taught me everything he could've taught me. It was real special.
Last year, when we thought we were going to have the hurricane, I called him because I was really scared. I was alone with my three children because my husband was away on detachment. My parents had just been through Hurricane Andrew, so they knew what to expect. My dad got on the phone and gave me a list of what I needed to do. And then he said, ``OK now you can lose it.'' I was scared because I had never been through it before and he was scared because he had gone through it.
He broke down, and I just sat on the kitchen floor and cried with him.
by CNB