THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, July 17, 1994 TAG: 9407170169
SECTION: SPORTS PAGE: C1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BOB MOLINARO
LENGTH: Medium: 70 lines
Not enough scoring. Peculiar rules. Confusing tactics. Yellow cards instead of penalty flags. Little foreign fellows with impossible names who can't use their hands.
Now that Americans have had a full month to bash the World Cup, and soccer in general, why stop there? If you have the time and inclination, it is a simple matter to trash any sport.
What about ``our'' futbol, uh, football? An extremely unpleasant activity, don't you think? Full of crippled Neanderthals who can barely read the instructions on the side of a steroids bottle.
``Our'' football players spend most of their time on the field picking themselves up off the ground. Adjusting their helmets. Counting the days until they get their artificial knees. Walking back to the huddle.
Football is riddled with problems. It reflects the two worst elements of American life: violence and committee meetings. On the whole, football is not worth a look.
Basketball is flawed. Very little happens until the last two minutes. That's when the coaches start calling timeouts so they can show off their custom-made suits, and when the players begin tackling one another and missing free throws. Be assured, basketball has its flaws.
Baseball is overrated. Your average baseball game contains 42 seconds of action, not counting the customary brawl at the pitcher's mound. The games take four hours to play because nobody in baseball can throw a strike and the hitters would rather scratch themselves than swing the bat. Is it any wonder that baseball is overrated?
Golf is weird. It is the only sport in which the fans run and the players walk. Golf is mainly to blame for the world's dwindling supply of polyester. When a golf shot lands on the green, fans shout, ``Get legs, ball.'' What could be weirder than golf?
Tennis is torture. It is professional rassling with rackets. What's more, the players are all robots with bionic hearing. If you clear your throat during a match, the tennis police send John McEnroe after you, then lock you away and make you listen to tapes of Jennifer Capriati saying, ``Like, you know.'' Tennis is torture.
Ice hockey is nothing to write home about. Its players walk through metal detectors on the way to the rink after leaving their teeth in water glasses. When the players aren't fighting, it's impossible to tell what's going on, even if you could see the puck, which you can't. Hockey is Canada's revenge on the United States for acid rain. Hockey is nothing to write home about.
Figure skating is an acquired taste. The winners are judged on their appearance, so the real heroes are the costume designers. The definition of a figure-skating upset is when the lipstick doesn't match the blush. And that's for the men's competition. Figure skating is an acquired taste.
Track is almost bearable, as long as you have no objection to spending the entire afternoon watching athletes massage their hamstrings. Field doesn't make sense at all, except as an outlet for fat guys who like to throw around cannon balls.
Horse racing isn't even a sport; it's Lotto with nags. Thoroughbred racing is legalized stealing. What's more, the horses won't sign autographs for their fans. Horse racing isn't even a sport.
Beach volleyball is very odd. Every point is the same; all that changes is the sunburn index. The most important piece of equipment is zinc oxide. Beach volleyball reminds you of all those times you couldn't get the sand out of your bathing suit. Beach volleyball is quite odd.
In general, sports do not live up to their promise. They bore you, or confuse you, cheat you, or insult your intelligence. Sports as a whole, make very little sense. They are not what they seem, and probably never were. by CNB