                             THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT 
              Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: Monday, August 8, 1994                 TAG: 9408060057
SECTION: DAILY BREAK              PAGE: E01  EDITION: FINAL 
COLUMN: THE GATEWAY
Exploring the Computer World

SOURCE: BY KATHY WILLIAMS, STAFF WRITER 
                                             LENGTH: Medium:   87 lines

THE BEST PART OF E-MAIL CAN BE SENDER'S ``SIGNATURE''

I'VE ALWAYS loved getting mail. Personal stuff - not the junk variety. When I get home in the evening, the first thing I do is trot out to the mailbox, hoping for a letter from home or a faraway friend. If I'm very lucky, I get one piece of mail like that a week via the U.S. Postal Service (or snail mail as it's called in computer circles).

It's almost painful to get to that part at the end that says ``Love, Mom'' or ``Your friend'' or ``Stay in touch'' or ``Call you soon.'' That means the letter and the brief encounter with a loved one is over.

My electronic mailbox, however, is a different story. Every evening it is stuffed with e-mail - sometimes 100 or more messages clog the box. These are mostly from people I know only casually because we hang out on some of the same computer bulletin boards. Or they're from mailing lists sent to people with common interests.

My eyes don't linger on the information in these electronic letters, however. Swiftly I scan the message searching for the signature of the sender. I'm disappointed if it just says ``Larry'' or ``Sarah, these opinions are my own.''

I'm looking for the letter writer who has decided on what I like to think of as a personalized license plate of the superhighway. These are the people who want their mail to stand out, so they've signed off with a witty poem or saying.

The Electronic Messaging Association, which represents 400 leading vendors of e-mail technology, estimates that between 30 and 50 million people use e-mail. On a typical day, it is estimated that 40,000 messages are sent - the equivalent of 10,000 manuscripts the length of War and Peace every day of the year.

It takes something special to stand out in that kind of crowd.

I tried to come up with something for my own signature but quickly decided everything I chose sounded too bookish or righteous or downright stupid. After all, who you are on the Internet is largely dependent on how you present yourself via the keyboard. And if I had a signature that told the truth about myself it would probably say something like ``Frazzled working mother of two trying to sound intelligent at 1 in the morning, the only time she has to converse on the Internet.''

So for the past few months, I've been collecting the witty, pithy and sometimes dumb signatures of others, such as:

``Until morale improves, the beatings will continue.''

``Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!'' - The computer programmer's cheer.

``If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.''

``OK, I admit it: I stole the money! But it's not my fault. I'm hooked on phonics.''

``I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.''

``The alto clarinet looks like it should sound better.''

``The ultimate test of where a person stands is not where he or she stands in moments of convenience, but where he or she stands in moments of controversy.''

Your horoscope for today: ``You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a 4-year-old.''

``Eat dessert first!''

``You live and learn or you don't live long.''

``I'll be mellow when I'm dead.''

``It's harder to come up with catchy sig phrases than you think.''

``The only time I open my mouth is to change feet.''

``All opinions are my own, no one else would want them anyway.''

``My road to success is always under construction.''

``Chocolate is a vegetable.''

And the best one I found anywhere:

``If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.'' MEMO: If you have any ideas or comments for The Gateway, contact Rob Morris,