THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, August 9, 1994 TAG: 9408090052
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E01 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: By DEBRA GORDON, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 190 lines
ZACH LEWIS, then 6, couldn't believe his ears. The kid on the playground was saying that grandparents were only good for giving presents.
Zach was appalled. In no uncertain terms, he made it clear that grandparents can do a lot for kids. ``You can't have too many grandparents,'' he firmly told the other boy.
He should know. His maternal grandparents, Joan Schrager Cohen and Bob Cohen of Norfolk, have played a crucial role in the lives of Zach and his sister, Alyson, since their parents divorced four years ago.
``Grandparents are even more important now then before the divorce,'' he confided to his grandmother the evening after that playground incident. ``They can show love to their grandchildren, and it doesn't cost money to do that.''
The Cohens were living nearly a thousand miles from their grandchildren when their daughter's marriage dissolved.
``The children were the first thing in my mind after I thought about her pain and our pain,'' Joan Cohen said, recalling that first phone call from her daughter, Beth Lewis, who was living in Ohio.
The Lewises' breakup was not an amicable one. The children's father moved out of the house and had minimal contact with them. He was unable to provide enough financial support for the family, and Beth Lewis had to find a job as well as deal with her shattered life.
``There was this feeling of anguish that the children's whole lives were falling apart,'' Joan Cohen said. ``And there was this helpless, terrible feeling. What could we do?''
She searched libraries and bookstores for books that would tell her what to do, but without exception, they all focused on the parent/child relationship; they had no advice to offer for worried grandparents.
So Cohen decided to write her own book, ``Helping Your Grandchildren Through Their Parents' Divorce,'' which was published this month.
The book, which evolved out of a journal Cohen kept, chronicles the lessons the Cohens learned during the past four years, as well as stories they have heard from other grandparents around the country.
``It was my own form of therapy,'' she said.
Immediately after that first phone call, the Cohens flew to Ohio. And thus began a 10-month odyssey of travel, phone calls, letter writing, tape sending, packages and continuous contact with their daughter and grandchildren.
``One of the core convictions I had from the beginning was that a patient and nurturing grandparent could soften the impact of divorce for the children,'' Joan Cohen said.
``I also felt that children need a sense of connectedness to family when their parents are going through a divorce, because they feel their whole family is dissembling, that there's a hole at the center of their life. This need for roots and family history is something grandparents can provide.''
Her instincts were right on target, says Sally Brush, director of the Beech Acres' Aring Institute, a divorce clinic in Cincinnati.
``With 49 percent of marriages ending in divorce, we need to find a way to better raise kids in a divorce so they grow up to be healthy,'' Brush said. ``A strong part of that is the grandparents, who hold family traditions, stories and perspectives that only an older person can give. Grandparents can be extremely important in providing stability as well as day-to-day love and care.''
FOR CHRIS HEBERT OF VIRGINIA BEACH, her parents' love and support when she went through a traumatic divorce nine years ago was invaluable in ensuring her son's stable development.
``My son's chance to heal came from them,'' she said. They also provided a role model for what a healthy marriage looks like and had extra time to spend with the boy, which Hebert, who was working two jobs, didn't.
``Some kids threaten to move in with their father when they get mad; the only place my son's ever threatened to move in is with my father,'' Hebert said.
Beth Lewis tells a similar story about the effect her parents had on her kids and herself during those traumatic first months.
``When your parents can just listen when you go through something like that, just be a sounding board, it helps,'' she said. ``When you know they're there for you and they support your decision to do this.''
Her father met her at the airport that first trip and handed her a letter he'd written full of love and support, as well as a copy of the Serenity Prayer, which she glanced at almost daily in the ensuing months.
The Cohens began flying out to Ohio every few months. They sent the children a stamp collection, pictures and postcards, anything they could think of to keep the family con-nection.
``We were saying, `You're not here, but you're not alone. We are here with you to anchor you, to help you,'' said Joan Cohen.
Almost immediately, they began pressuring their daughter to return home. It would benefit the kids, they said. ``We listed 22 reasons, all the things she could gain from coming back,'' Joan Cohen said.
But Lewis wasn't ready to make that move.
``She had friends and a job opportunity there, and she didn't have the strength to move,'' Joan Cohen said. ``Her therapist said she'd had enough change in her life.''
In retrospect, Lewis says, resisting her parents' pull to move home was the smartest thing she did. ``If I'd gone in the beginning, I would have always wondered if I did the right thing.''
But after 10 months, Lewis called late one night, sobbing, and told her parents she was ready to come home.
And thus began what Joan Cohen calls stage two of their odyssey.
AT AGE 35, I MOVED BACK IN WITH my parents, and it was like being 16 all over again,'' Beth Lewis, now 38, said with a laugh.
Today she can laugh. But three years ago, it was no laughing matter.
It didn't take long to realize that two grown women living in the same house was not a good idea.
Her mother's ideas about parenting differed from her own, and she felt restricted living in her parents' house, like a child again.
Even Joan admits the problems of those four months, saying: ``We should have drawn up a contract; all the good intentions and love don't help you. You need parameters.''
Eventually, with the financial help of her parents, Lewis moved into a townhouse in Ghent.
Today, the Cohens and their daughter have ironed out a relationship that works for everyone. The children spend two days a week after school or camp at their grandparents' house. Once a month, they spend the night, which gives Lewis some time on her own.
The Cohens keep extra clothes and jackets at their house for unexpected overnights, and each of the kids has a box of toys and books there.
Zach, now 9, is particularly close with his grandfather, finding in him the male companionship he craves. The two go fishing, attend Tides baseball games and synagogue services. Bob Cohen has taught him how to throw a baseball and make a hook shot with a basketball.
``My kids' lives are so enriched for having them around and showing them an extended family,'' Lewis said. ``I'm blessed that they have the stamina to do it.''
But this state of affairs didn't come easily. The Cohens had to learn to pull back, not to give so much of themselves that they had nothing left for each other. For instance, notes Joan Cohen, she used to keep the kids after school every day and nearly every Saturday. That would leave her so exhausted that she had no energy for her own marriage.
Brush, the divorce clinic director, said that's a common problem. She added: ``Grandparents can get called on for huge expenditures of time, money and energy at times when they have less of that or planned their own retirement and expected leisure. Maybe they don't want to baby-sit every day; maybe the money the kids are asking for to pay lawyers' fees they can't afford. They need to take care of themselves and their needs, too, and set appropriate limits.''
They also need to watch how they speak about the ex-spouse. ``Some end up speaking very harshly about one or the other of the parents,'' Brush said. The kids hate that, they don't want to hear it from their grandparents, so rather than see them, they avoid them because it makes them so uncomfortable. Kids are a part of both parents and have loyalties to both, and grandparents need to respect that.'' MEMO: Joan Schrager Cohen will be signing copies of her book Sept. 10 from 11
a.m. to 1 p.m. at Turn the Page bookstore in Ghent.
ILLUSTRATION: Staff color photo by BILL KELLEY III
Joan Schrager Cohen enjoys riding bikes with grandchildren Zachary
Lewis, 9, and Alyson Lewis, 6, when they come to her Norfolk home.
Staff color photo by JOSEPH JOHN KOTLOWSKI
Bob Cohen plays cards with his grandchildren who visit two
afternoons a week and stay overnight once a month.
TIPS FOR GRANDPARENTS
Here are some ways to help grandchildren through their parents'
divorce:
If you live nearby:
You may choose to watch your grandchildren after school if the
custodial parent is working.
Once a month, have them stay overnight for a weekend or for one
evening on a weekend so the single custodial parent can have a
respite from child care.
Occasionally, try to keep one grandchild at a time - if possible,
overnight. It's a great way to bond, and kids thrive on the
one-on-one.
When they live far away:
Go to see grandchildren as often as you can and take goodies
Invite the children to spend a weekend with you; send the tickets
if you can afford it.
Send baked goods.
Send or take audio-video tapes of yourself (and spouse)
When you visit, take envelopes and stamps, and pre-address the
envelopes and postcards to yourself so they can write to you.
Read stories into a tape recorder and send them to your
grandchildren to listen to at bedtime or on long car trips.
Here is another resources to address this situation:
Beech Acres' Aring Institute, divorce clinic
Sally Brush, executive director, (513) 231-6630
KEYWORDS: DIVORCE
by CNB