THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, August 12, 1994 TAG: 9408120053
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E01 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY KAREN BREWER, CAMPUS CORRESPONDENT
LENGTH: Long : 145 lines
AMONG THE MOST common problems college students face in the fall is learning how to share a small room with another person, often a stranger, on friendly terms.
One freshman at James Madison University last year quickly discovered how difficult that can be. Before the school year started, she had spoken only once with her roommate from Korea but expected to become good friends with her. As they got to know each other, though, she began to feel she had inherited a new mother.
The motherly roommate gave unwanted advice on when to study, when to go to bed and how to separate laundry.
Borrowing or using things before asking was another problem. The roommate helped herself to whatever she needed, including food, paper, hair brushes, CDs and juices, then would excuse her actions by saying something like, ``You can help yourself to anything of mine.''
Finally, it reached the point that the freshman no longer even wanted to talk to her roommate.
Though the two stuck it out for the entire year, they do not go out of their way to keep in touch now, only saying hello in passing.
This situation isn't unusual when two people are placed together in an 11-by-14-foot room to sleep, study and hang out. Such arrangements require compromise and mutual consideration to make them work.
Maggie Burkhart, associate director of residence life at James Madison University, said roommates can fill out courtesy agreements to help them resolve issues such as borrowing personal belongings, when they can and cannot play music, and when guests are and are not allowed.
``We get students to talk about those things before there is a problem, and it lets them know each others' expectations. If things do happen, they can pull out this agreement and decide whether they want to renegotiate,'' Burkhart said.
Kevin J. Keltz, director of residence life at Old Dominion University, said residents there are given a brochure that contains a contract similar to JMU's courtesy agreement. It leads the roommates to decide on such issues as cleaning responsibilities, room arrangements, and sleep and study schedules.
According to Ed Spencer, director of residential and dining programs at Virginia Tech, ``A lot of what we see is not making the agreement clear in the first place. If they don't sit down and agree on that, they risk a conflict developing later.''
Some students regret not filling out an agreement. A common source of irritation is when one roommate's guests stay late while the other wants to sleep.
One student, for example, had a roommate who rarely slept in their room, but when she did, her boyfriend usually joined her beneath the sheets.
The roommate never asked if this arrangement were acceptable nor made it a point to go to bed at a reasonable hour, instead staying up laughing and talking.
Though the two made small talk at first, eventually communication was no longer part of the relationship. Their year of quiet hatred exploded in a 3 a.m. shouting match the last week of their freshman year. The aggrieved roommate informed the other how rude and inconsiderate she had been all year, calling her names in the process.
The next day the accused roommate called and apologized, but the two do not speak at all now.
When roommates don't talk, even minor annoyances can evolve into a huge dilemma. One student said she and her roommate never told each other when they got annoyed. Instead, she said, they'd end up arguing about it months later. These fights started over simple things like one roommate's staying up late studying with the light on.
Mary Glisan, assistant director of residence life at the College of William & Mary, advises students: ``Be open with your roommate. Talk to each other. Establishing lines of communication is very important.''
JMU students struggling with roommate problems can talk to staff members at the First Year Investigations Center who are trained to help with such problems.
According to Keltz, ODU residents are encouraged to resolve their problems. ``That's part of the college experience, to learn to live with somebody who's different from you, so we try to get them to work it out,'' Keltz said.
When all else fails, though, the ultimate solution is to change roommates.
During the past academic year, about 395 students at JMU changed rooms because of roommate conflicts, Burkhart said. William & Mary granted 205 changes, while at Virginia Tech, 1,500 to 2,000 students changed rooms, officials said. ODU did not keep figures on such changes.
More often, though, roommates find they are compatible or are able to work out their differences.
Amanda Davidson, Jennifer Tatum and Amanda Jones shared a triple room as freshmen last year at JMU. They made the arrangement work with a lot of compromises.
``We're definitely three different people, but I think what makes us different, makes us get along,'' Davidson said.
Davidson enjoyed spending her free time outdoors and playing sports, while Tatum and Jones liked staying inside and dancing to the tunes spewing from their radio. Davidson got her roommates involved in sports, and they introduced her to parties and dances.
``I think we're introducing each other to different things that we hadn't experienced before,'' Davidson said. The trio joined a bowling club that allowed them bonding time each week.
Tatum said, ``I've always had my own room and my own space. It's kind of interesting living with somebody you normally wouldn't have picked as a friend.''
According to Davidson, ``You really have to make changes. It's hard to adjust to somebody else's different living style, but you've got to realize that they're adjusting to your lifestyle as well. Compromise is the key.''
Compromise means fitting your lifestyles together to benefit everyone. So, some things must change, including bedtimes and study habits.
Davidson usually went to bed by midnight, the hour that Tatum would just begin to study. Jones usually stayed up until 2 a.m. doing homework. Tatum, who studied to the tunes of Lenny Kravitz and the Stone Temple Pilots, instead had to write English compositions to the rhythm of Davidson's breathing. Davidson preferred the lyrics of Kriss Kross, Paul Simon and Kenny Rogers when just hanging out, while Jones spent study breaks listening to Nine Inch Nails, Janet Jackson and Aerosmith.
The three uniquely decorated corners of the room reflected the different personalities of the girls. Jones had a Confederate flag pinned up by her bed. A tapestry and Beastie Boys and Lenny Kravitz posters screamed out from Tatum's wall, while Monet posters brightened Davidson's corner.
The floor on Tatum and Jones' side of the room was normally carpeted with clothes and books. Davidson had only a neat pile of books by her bed. ``When I'm sharing a room with other people, I'm fairly orderly. Look at their side of the room and you can see what they wore that day,'' Davidson said.
Compromise isn't the only thing that works. Pure luck can be a factor in good roommate relations. Sometimes even opposites get along well together.
JMU's David Wilkerson was quite the opposite of his orderly roommate. ``I'm a total slob and . . . (my roommate) is a neat freak, but it doesn't bother him. He helps me find things,'' Wilkerson said.
Wilkerson's floor, which his roommate named the Bermuda Triangle, was usually covered with towels, clothes, books, love letters, a photo album, checkbook, papers, change and butter containers from McDonald's. His desk was always covered with anything but school work. Various schedules, detergent, a hat and tissues commonly cluttered his desk.
``Every night I climb into bed, take my clothes off and throw them on the floor,'' Wilkerson said. ``Every morning I look for my hairbrush or keys and my roommate says, `Try the Triangle.' ''
Wilkerson's roommate had things organized in alphabetical order starting under his bed with his canteen. In his closet were items N through Z. Some things he kept color-coordinated. He stored his computer equipment in green boxes and his toiletries and medical kit in a pink box. Clothes in his closet were separated into shirts and pants.
``My mess stays on my side and his neatness stays on his side and we get along quite well,'' Wilkerson said.
As JMU's Burkhart said: ``It's really about just a mutual respect.'' ILLUSTRATION: Staff color illustration by JOHN CASERTA
by CNB