THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, September 20, 1994 TAG: 9409200035
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY RICH RADFORD, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Medium: 86 lines
CONFESSION TIME: I believe in sneaking concessions into movie theatres.
For years, I hid this fact from my wife, certain she would condemn the act, although I tested the waters on occasion.
If we were in a convenience store and I knew we'd later take in a movie, I'd ask, ``Honey, would you like a box of M&Ms for the movies?''
She'd always skirt the moral confrontation, saying, ``Nope, I'm in the mood for popcorn.''
Popcorn is one concession that cannot fit neatly into a pocket. The movie police catch you in a split second. I've heard horror stories of the punishments for smuggling popcorn. Guilty parties are forced to watch the entire series of ``Earnest Goes to . . . '' movies, without a bathroom break.
So we went through life ordering from the concession stand. Knowing this and realizing there is no competition, the usual movie concessionaire charges $12,346.23 for a tray of nachos, a small popcorn and two medium drinks.
Now I ask, who is more morally corrupt, the concessions operators holding the public for ransom or the guy who sneaks in a sleeve of Starbursts and a can of Pepsi?
I waited until one night when we went to the movies in the rain. I wore a trench coat. I figured if Arnold could conceal a shotgun under his trench coat in ``Terminator,'' I could hide a dozen pieces of candy and a 12-ounce drink. I bought my stash at a convenience store on the way to the theatre.
``You're not taking that into the movie, are you?'' my wife said. It wasn't a question as much as it was a statement.
I stood my ground.
``Yes, I'm tired of being bilked at the goodies stand. Besides, the drinks are watered down. And half the time they're flat.''
I shoved the candy and drink into my coat pockets. There were no words spoken the rest of the way to the theatre.
My wife's cold front broke when the movie previews began. As usual, she was interested in seeing all 32 movies that were previewed and reminded me that we don't get to the movies enough.
The feature began. I can't remember what we were seeing, but cars were exploding and guns were firing and people were running everywhere, meaning it either starred Mel Gibson, Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood, Kevin Costner, Bruce Willis or Steven Seagal. My wife draws the line at Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Anyway, the Starbursts were exploding with flavor in my mouth, just like in the commercials (who says there's no truth in advertising?).
The Pepsi fizzed with carbonation. I finished it off, then suppressed a satisfying burp.
I was enjoying my movie and the snacks. In fact, I enjoyed the snacks even more because they didn't empty my wallet.
Then came the gratuitous sex scene. Just as it began, I decided to recross my legs, seeing as how my right calf had fallen asleep.
I kicked over the empty can.
It began its slow descent through the theatre rows. As usual, we were sitting near the back.
Clink-clink, clink-clink, clink-clink.
My wife's words came in hushed, sharp, stilted form.
``I . . . can't . . . believe . . . you . . . did . . . that!''
She sunk into her seat. I followed her lead as heads began to turn.
Clink-clink, clink-clink, clink-clink.
The can stopped momentarily. It must have run into the heel of a patron. When he lifted his foot, the can resumed.
Clink-clink, clink-clink.
Some of these sex scenes in action movies can be real clunkers. This one was a clinker.
Clink-clink.
I was waiting for the usher to point his 4,000-watt flashlight my way and scream, ``IT WAS YOU, WASN'T IT?''
Finally, the can ran out of juice.
We started to giggle. First it was a snicker, then it grew. Fortunately, a humorous scene in the movie covered our uncontrollable laughter.
I'd thought my wife was ready to send me to the gallows. Instead, she put me on probation.
We didn't talk about it until exiting the theatre.
``Now, you know what you did was wrong?''
``Yes.''
There was a minute of silence.
Finally, in unison, we blurted it out.
``Clink-clink, clink-clink, clink-clink.''
Then we both fell down in the parking lot laughing. by CNB