THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, September 23, 1994 TAG: 9409220076
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: Listen Up
SOURCE: [Smitha Gottimukkala and Jonathan Kolm]
LENGTH: Medium: 58 lines
DEAR SMITHA AND JONATHAN,
A friend of mine is in an abusive relationship. I've been trying to convince her to move on to someone else, but she insists that she is too much in love to leave. I think she really needs some help. What can I do for her? - Worried
Dear Worried,
You're absolutely right. Your friend does need help, and the situation can quickly go from bad to worse if she doesn't get it. Whatever abuse your friend is facing, it can be psychologically devastating. If she begins to view this abuse as normal or even deserved, she will be more likely to stay in the relationship or be caught in a string of similar ones.
Although it may seem obvious to us that your friend should leave the relationship, she may honestly ``love'' the abuser and have the misguided notion that love always hurts. She may think that he wouldn't hit her if he didn't care about her, or that he wouldn't be so jealous if he didn't love her. If the abuser sobs or shows signs of regret afterward, it is easy for her to forgive him.
Many victims of abuse (and maybe your friend) stay in a relationship because they think they can ``change'' the abuser or that the abuser ``needs them'' in order to become a better person. This role as a ``fixer'' makes it difficult to pull out of the relationship and give it an objective review.
Your friend must realize that only those who help themselves can truly change, and a solid, healthy relationship can never be sustained with pain and hurt as an element. Instead, it must be supported on the mutual theme, ``You NEVER hurt the one you love.''
Tell your friend you're worried about her getting seriously hurt, but don't make her feel you're condemning her or worse, make her pick between the two of you. If you can't convince her to leave the abuser, get her (or ideally both of them) to talk to a professional counselor immediately, whether it be a minister, school guidance counselor, rabbi or social worker. You might want to try accompanying her the first couple of times for support. If you suspect that she faces serious or even fatal bodily harm, get an adult involved. It is better to intervene now, even if it is against her will, than to regret it when it is too late.
Last, let her know you'll be there for her regardless of the decision she makes. Your friend is lucky to have someone who cares, and although you can help her make the ``right'' decision, the final call is hers and hers alone. MEMO: Smitha Gottimukkala is a senior at Norfolk Academy and Jonathan Kolm is
a senior at Tallwood High. Their column will appear biweekly in
Teenology. They accept questions on INFOLINE. Call 640-5555 and enter
category 8335. Or write to them at 4565 Virginia Beach Blvd., Virginia
Beach, Va. 23462.
by CNB