                            THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT  
              Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: Sunday, September 25, 1994             TAG: 9409270482
SECTION: HAMPTON ROADS WOMAN      PAGE: 03   EDITION: FINAL 
SOURCE: BY VICKI L. FRIEDMAN, STAFF WRITER
                                             LENGTH: Long  :  152 lines

CALL HER MOM MARY TATEM GIVES MOTHERS-IN-LAW A GOOD NAME WITH A NEW BOOK ON THAT UNIQUE RELATIONSHIP.

TO HAVE and to hold in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, forsaking all others, your mother-in-law is with you 'til death do you part.

But author Mary Tatem vows that in-law relations need not be the dreaded part of marriage, which has made mothers-in-law - but conspicuously not fathers-in-law - the butt of a decades worth of jokes and insults.

``It can be a real joy to be friends with your son- or daughter-in-law,'' says Tatem, sitting in her living room that overlooks the tree-lined cul-de-sac of her Newport News neighborhood. ``A mother-in-law should be a blessing, not a problem.''

In-law relations, and the role of the mother-in-law in particular, intrigued Tatem so much that her first book, ``Just Call Me Mom!,'' is a handbook on that very subject. The 184-page book, published by Christian Publications in June, mixes real-life anecdotes with sound advice.

``I really saw a real need for it,'' says Tatem, a native of Muncie, Ind. ``As far as I know, and I did a little research on this, it's the first book written from the mother-in-law's point of view.

``I've always been interested in that subject because my husband and I have done some counseling with kids that are getting married,'' she says. ``If they would come back with troubles, that was one of the most frequent things they would talk about - in-law relations. . . . My book is aimed at the mother-in-law and how she can be a blessing and not a curse.''

``I am a lousy typist,'' Tatem, 59, says with a laugh. ``My computer is a godsend.''

For years, Tatem, who has an English degree from Duke University, pounded away in an upstairs bedroom on a portable typewriter. Mainly, she wrote short stories, picture books and children's devotionals, ``little lessons to teach my kids,'' says Tatem, a mom to three boys and one girl.

When her children were grown, Tatem's writing became less sporadic and more focused. She went to her first writer's conference six years ago in Titusville, Fla., ``to see if I had any talent, she says, and afterward, replaced her Royal typewriter with a new computer.

Soon after, she began working on a proposal - which later became the book's first three chapters - for what later became ``Just Call Me Mom!'' Tatem can't count the drafts it went through, but with each rejection, she revised and resubmitted it again. She sent out 500 questionnaires to churches, garden clubs and retirement centers nationwide to get a handle on the attitudes people have toward mothers-in-law. She wrote the book from the responses, incorporating the anecdotes with her own wisdom.

The key to a successful in-law relationship, she says, is that mothers must let go of the developing or the controlling role and become encouraging supporters of their children. ``Let them have their space, their own family unit,'' she says. In essence, she says, a mother must learn to be ``unemployed.''

Her own mother-in-law, whom Tatem speaks of fondly, ``played a role in the formation of my philosophy,'' she says. ``She was such a beautiful example. .

``Just Call Me Mom!'' is divided into 13 chapters - everything from surviving the mother-in-law jokes to caring through divorce. Dozens of anecdotes are woven in. Tatem's favorite concerns a young bride preparing Thanksgiving dinner with her mother-in-law, a society woman of great means:

As Debby began to turn the mashed potatoes into a serving bowl, her hand slipped, dumping the entire contents of the pot onto the floor. She stared, horrified, at the white mound. ``What can we do?'' she groaned. Everything else will get cold if we make more.''

``We'll just scoop them up and eat them.'' Immediately, the sophisticated mother-in-law stooped to spoon them off the floor and into the serving dish. ``We'll not say a word,'' she whispered. ``And no one will ever know.''

``Isn't that wonderful?'' Tatem asks. ``This society gal spooning potatoes off the floor.''

Other stories are more discouraging:

``I've already checked the animals. Everything in the barn is set for the night.'' After draping the towel over the rod, Hank put his arm around Lisa and they left the house. Hank kissed her and opened the car door. For a moment, she clung to him, but by now the pattern was too well-established to break. She let go, climbed in her car, and followed Hank, who drove his car to the end of the driveway. . . . At dusk each day, the married couple left their farm for the homes of their respective parents who never let go. By the time the parents died, the marriage had lost its passion.

Tatem also presents differences between a daughter-in-law's and a son-in-law's needs. Daughters-in-law, she says, often foster competition. Sons-in-law can often be smothered: ``A man's ego is closely tied to his ability to provide for his family,'' she writes. ``Don't trample him.'' An appendix focuses on the do's and don'ts of being a mother-in-law and engagement and wedding advice.

``We didn't want this book to look like it was just for the first child who was getting married,'' Tatem says.``Because with each child, it's different. .

In a nutshell though, Tatem has some pointers for new mothers-in-law.

Congratulate yourself on a job well-done. If someone is willing to marry your child, you've done something right.

Really let your child go. Do something in your own life that gives you fulfillment and satisfaction that's not tied to your child.

Be flexible. It's the hallmark of being a good mother-in-law.

Use good manners, the same you'd use with strangers. Sometimes we forget to use manners with family.

Mary Tatem, also a grandmother of 10, takes no credit for being a good mother-in-law.

``I don't know that I am,'' she says. ``When my daughter got married - she was the first one married - I didn't want to deserve any of those jokes.''

Tatem tries to treat her in-laws just like her children.

``She's good at making people feel at ease,'' says her daughter-in-law Dale, who lives in Carrollton, Texas. ``It was clear to me that I was accepted. There wasn't any kind of judging or `Gee, my son could have done better.' ''

``Just Call Me Mom!'' is dedicated to Tatem's three daughters-in-law and one son-in-law, and Tatem is pictured on the back of the book with the four of them.

Tatem plans to write other books. She still hopes one day her children's stories become published, and she's working on her first novel about the trials of a rural schoolteacher. She sponsors a mothers support group at her church, and in her spare time, she quilts. She's made a quilt for each daughter-in-law.

Dale Tatem says she hasn't finished Mary's book, but she's already learned one thing.

``I never knew,'' she says, ``how lucky I was.'' ILLUSTRATION: Color photo

RICHARD L. DUNSTON/Staff

In-law relations intrigued Mary Tatem somuch that she wrote a book,

``Just Call Me Mom!''

Graphics

MEET THE AUTHOR

The Harvest Company Christian Bookstore will hold a book signing

for Mary Tatem from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. Tuesday at 1015 Providence

Square Shopping Center. It's at the intersection of Kempsville and

Providence roads.