THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, September 27, 1994 TAG: 9409280648
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: By DIANE TENNANT, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 116 lines
MARRIAGE, AFTER all, is a bungee jump.
That wild, exhilarating first plunge. The reality rushing at your face. The jerk at the end that turns out to be your spouse. And the ups and downs, ups and downs, ups and . . .
Downs.
For many, the church has been the cushion they looked for when the cord frayed. The altar where the whole thing began is the place they turn when they're at their last prayers.
In the Catholic Church, steeped in centuries of history and tradition, couples in trouble would turn to the celibate priests and nuns for help. For the modern-day church, realizing that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce, that is not enough.
``What we realized was that we were ministering to people on many levels, but when people had trouble with their marriages, we often referred them to counselors,'' said Sister Dolores Sabisky. ``The church decided they needed a peer ministry.''
The ministry began in 1977 in Quebec, hence its French name - Retrouvaille, or Rediscovery.
Pronounced REH-troo-vie, the ministry is just making its way to Hampton Roads. Sister Sabisky, at Star of the Sea Catholic Church in Virginia Beach, is the local coordinator. Four couples, two priests and Sister Sabisky have gone through the first weekend of training, and they expect to offer Retrouvaille weekends to troubled couples beginning next spring.
They will reach out to hurting couples by sharing their own stories of struggle. By hearing others who have weathered rough times - and survived - the Retrouvaille couples will receive hope, Sister Sabisky said.
Finding couples willing to share their stories can be difficult.
``It's hard for Father and myself to go up and say, `Are you having trouble with your marriage?' We find the best thing is word of mouth,'' said Sister Sabisky.
As it turned out, the four founding couples were recruited by their churches for the training. Most say they have strong marriages but admit to having experienced rough patches along the way.
``I feel like our marriage is really strong, but only because we've been through things to make us strong,'' said Rhonda Becknell of Newport News, one of the presenters. ``We have a teenager in the house and my father lives with us. Every day, we deal with issues that if your marriage is not solid, could destroy it.''
Retrouvaille begins with an interview to determine whether couples want to make the marriage work and are willing to participate in the three-month program. There is no charge for Retrouvaille, but a free-will offering is accepted to help cover expenses.
The actual weekend probes emotions and teaches communication. Husbands and wives write the answers to questions about such topics as the qualities that attracted them to each other and feelings about their sexual relationship. Then they exchange answers and discuss them.
``It's a gift that they give to each other,'' Sister Sabisky said. ``The belief that communicating on a feeling level is important to a relationship. It doesn't mean bringing your partner down. And don't blame your spouse for the way they feel.''
The participating clergy also share their stories of struggle in relationships with each other, with the church, with the lay community. One of the couples being trained to participate in Retrouvaille believes that the clergy can empathize with troubled marriages.
``Even though the religious are not married to someone of the opposite sex, they are married to their community and they're married to God,'' said the woman, who asked to remain anonymous because, she said, it is not the names that are important, it is the ministry. ``Certainly they've had trouble in relationships between their superiors, the people that they work with, in their own families that they've had to deal with.
``I think the problems that happen in married relationships are quite similar to the problems that happen in other relationships. I don't think that conjugal sex is the ultimate factor in deciding whether or not they can comprehend, empathize or help with a problem.''
Others do feel that married couples can relate better to their peers.
``Yes, they (priests and nuns) are married to the church, but it's not the same,'' Becknell said. ``It's hard for couples to relate to them.''
Retrouvaille does not end with the weekend. Couples meet each week for three months to explore their feelings and begin to change themselves. Many of the couples begin to minister to each other before it's all over.
``If they listen to other couples, it won't be just Sister or Father, it will be couples who are willing to share their stories, with Sister or Father there to represent church, to say we're there for you,'' Sister Sabisky said.
The Retrouvaille clergy celebrate Mass with participants and share the importance of religion in marriage.
``The presentation is about marriage as a sacrament, and also forgiveness and healing. Forgiveness of self, we find that's real big,'' Sister Sabisky said.
Although offered by the Catholic Church, Retrouvaille is open to other Christian denominations, Sister Sabisky said. It is natural, she added, for people to turn to the church in times of celebration but also in times of crisis.
``I think people are looking,'' she said. ``The pressures are so great in the world that they are looking to their religion.
``If you can't turn to your church, who can you turn to?'' MEMO: For more information on Retrouvaille, contact Sister Dolores Sabisky at
Star of the Sea Catholic Church on Pacific Avenue in Virginia Beach.For
more information on Retrouvaille, contact Sister Dolores Sabisky at Star
of the Sea Catholic Church on Pacific Avenue in Virginia Beach. ILLUSTRATION: Drawing
Graphic
MARRIAGE STAGES
Retrouvaille addresses the four stages of relationship:
Romance - the focus is on the other person.
Disillusionment - ``You're not who I thought you would be.''
Misery - the focus turns inward, on yourself.
Joy - rebuilding lives together.
by CNB