THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, October 16, 1994 TAG: 9410130451
SECTION: COMMENTARY PAGE: J1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY ROBERT L. BARRET
LENGTH: Medium: 82 lines
Recently, in a discussion as part of diversity training in the workplace, one of my colleagues said something like, ``Well, Bob, I don't have any problem with you as a gay man, but I can't accept your gay lifestyle.''
My explosion was spontaneous. ``What gay lifestyle are you talking about?'' I demanded. ``I've been busy cleaning my house for weekend guests. And this morning, before work, I paid my bills, including my church and United Way pledges. Is that the gay lifestyle you are talking about? Or maybe you are unable to tolerate my behavior last night. I came home late from work, wrote a letter to my mom and then read while listening to music. Is that the gay lifestyle you can't accept?''
My aggression startled both him and me. I am simply tired of hearing the term ``gay lifestyle'' bantered about so carelessly. It is an oppressive term used to put down me and other gay men and lesbians. It reduces our lives to an erotic moment, as if our sexual experience is all that there is to us. Like other attempts by oppressive groups to eroticize our lives, this one appears harmless on the surface. Straight people are lulled into accepting it without thinking how they would fare if their lives were evaluated solely on their lovemaking.
How would nongay people like it if the media were filled with representations of heterosexuality that focused exclusively on their sexual activity? You know how those heterosexuals are. They flaunt their heterosexuality in public all the time. Why, they even kiss in public places! And their jokes are almost always about sex!
Everyone knows that about 90 percent of sexual abuse is committed by family members who identify as heterosexual. And all men who rape women are straight. You wouldn't want to live next door to one of those people, would you?
They certainly can't be trusted to teach our children or even to hold political office. Our prisons are filled with people who are straight. And most political corruption is caused by heterosexuals.
Yes, I know, as individuals they seem OK, but watch out for their political agenda. They are recruiting all the time!
The prejudice in that kind of rhetoric is obvious, but few even think about the kind of hate that underlies the use of the term ``gay lifestyle.'' Why is the oppression of gay men and lesbians not similarly apparent?
One reason is that too many of us in the gay community have hidden ourselves for too long. We have failed to tell you who we are and to let you know how much our lives are like yours. Today that is changing somewhat. More and more gay men and lesbians are stepping from the shadows, bravely telling their neighbors, friends and families who they are.
The collective coming out of a community of gay people helps everyone understand that we are more alike than different, that we want most of the same things: decent housing, clean neighborhoods, crime-free communities and career and leisure opportunities. Many of us have overcome the shame we learned about who we are. We have developed healthy attitudes about ourselves that ensure successful relationships and, yes, even successful lives.
But the term ``gay lifestyle'' is also accepted because those who oppose us need the public to see us as a threat. As they preach their hate, they use us to raise money and to accumulate power. They intimidate politicians who understand that losing their votes may mean losing an office. They buy access to the media and use their pulpits to attack us. They pass judgment blithely in spite of Scripture that warns them about the consequences of judging others. And they subvert the principles on which this nation was founded to promote their political agenda.
The next time you hear someone slamming gay people through the use of the term ``gay lifestyle,'' why not ask them which lifestyle they are talking about? And if they start talking about sexual activity, remind them that heterosexuals have sex, too. Of course, that will not silence them, but you will be letting them know that you stand for equality and respect for all people. And you will be making a small but significant contribution to the liberation of all people. ILLUSTRATION: Photo
Dr. Robert Barret is a professor of counselor education at the
University of North Carolina-Charlotte and a psychologist in private
practice. He wrote this article for The Charlotte Observer, where it
first appeared.
by CNB