THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, October 23, 1994 TAG: 9410270670
SECTION: HAMPTON ROADS WOMAN PAGE: 06 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY MATTHEW BOWERS, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 139 lines
THE QUESTION doesn't seem that tough, but it sure stumps Timothy A. Griffith.
He thinks hard. Real hard. He stares off into the distance. He looks down at the tops of his shoes.
Finally, beaten, he surrenders.
Try as he might, he can't remember the last time he and his wife Jeannie have gone out together. Alone. Without one of their three boys, ages almost 4, 2 1/2 and 9 weeks.
``It's probably been at least six or eight months,'' Griffith says, shaking his head.
That date drought, though, is going to end in about 10 minutes.
Coming to the rescue for the Griffiths and 13 other couples-with-kids this last Friday in September is Holy Communion Lutheran Church in Portsmouth and its free program dubbed ``Parents Night Out!''
The premise is simple. If you offer the parents of young children - like the Griffiths - the choice between a night out alone and a million dollars, they'll pick the million dollars every time. But they'll think about it for a long time first.
Time together can be that precious for harried couples with kids. Church members discovered this a year ago when casting around for a community service project.
They also found young parents - many without Mom and Dad living nearby - were hungry for parenting tips on everything from disciplining their children to helping with homework. The church's congregation was growing older, too, and they wanted to attract new, younger members.
The church found a solution: A six-week parenting class on Friday nights, free and open to the public. Start each with a 30-minute session with an expert in some area of parenting skills. Then offer 2 1/2 hours of free baby-sitting, complete with hot meals and age-appropriate activities, so the parents can have some unworried time alone.
``We decided a lot of people in this area are service people away from home and don't have anyone they can depend on for baby-sitting,'' said June O. Clark, a retired teacher who was in on the planning.
She got the original idea from her cable-TV installer, who mentioned a baby-sitting program at her church.
Diana C. Shepherd, Clark's daughter, was drafted as the program's coordinator in September after she and her two children were forced to leave the U.S. Naval Station at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, due to the Cuban refugee crisis, leaving behind her Navy husband and three cats.
``It seems that what most parents needed was help in disciplining their children,'' Shepherd said. ``They're showing a big interest in the parenting classes, not just the baby-sitting.''
In fact, some parents asked if they could take their children home early, after the classes. The program filled up quickly, with 31 children and their parents registered. Another session is planned for early next year, and the church hopes to add one aimed at teens and their parents.
The church simply is responding to its area's particular needs, the women say. Inner-city churches run homeless shelters and soup kitchens because they're surrounded by poor people. Holy Communion Lutheran, at 6220 Portsmouth Blvd., not far from the Western Branch of the Elizabeth River, is surrounded by homes with tricycles in their driveways.
``It's really a public-service kind of thing,'' said the church's pastor, Dennis D. Buchholz.
``It's not going to change the whole world, but if we can strengthen a few families, it's something we can do.''
That means allowing Griffith, 36, and his wife Jeannie, 27, to head off to the nearby Olive Garden Italian Restaurant where, for a change, they won't spend half their time removing their children's hands from each other's plates.
For Janet L. Moses, the big night out will be a simple one - returning home to enjoy a quiet, uninterrupted conversation with her husband, George, who's laid up in bed with back problems. They've got five children ages 10 or younger, so it's a rare treat.
``To me, it was a godsend,'' Janet Moses said before the first session. ``With five kids, it was hard enough to go out, much less pay a baby-sitter. .
The few times a year they do go out, it often is just to talk, sometimes on a walk through a park. While they also looked forward to the parenting classes - ``You can't know too much with parenting,'' Janet Moses said - they felt that getting a chance to know each other again after 12 1/2 years of marriage was as important to being good parents as knowing when to tell their children ``no.''
Cynthia S. Bettinger and her husband, Simon, also planned to use their time together to talk, perhaps over a cup of coffee at the mall. ``Things you don't normally get to do,'' Cynthia Bettinger said.
But they came primarily looking for tips in raising their 2-year-old daughter, Caitlin. Cynthia Bettinger stays at home with her, and believes that too many parents allow day cares and schools to fill their roles.
``Nobody offers anything like this at all,'' she said. ``Parenting is harder now because you have so many things against you, with drugs and alcohol and violence. . . . A lot of kids are just out of control. I think parents are looking for anything to help them get through it.''
To Bettinger, the church also offered safety, a ``little haven for kids.''
That suited Dara L. Sandie fine. New to the area and expecting her second child in December, she wanted her 2 1/2-year-old daughter Beth Anne to spend some time playing with other children.
As for her special night off, she'll spend it studying. She's taking education classes at Tidewater Community College. Her husband referees high school football, so it'll be one of the rare times she can study without waiting for her daughter to go to bed.
This first night, with the children spread among several rooms and watched by a dozen volunteers from the church, the parents are quizzing the speaker, Trish Brennan, a social worker from Lutheran Family Services in Portsmouth who trains foster parents.
What do you do when they refuse to obey?
Is it OK to let them throw a tantrum?
It turns into a support group of sorts. One mother explains how she gives her daughter limited choices in clothes, which helps avoid morning fights. Another tells about following through on her threat and leaving a store with her disobedient daughter.
No one rushes to leave when Brennan finishes, but stay and talk with each other.
``This seems to be unusual. I think it's a neat idea,'' Brennan, herself the mother of a 7-year-old boy, says afterward. ``I think parents are starting to understand that we are complex creatures.''
The Griffiths enjoyed their dinner out. Spaghetti with meat sauce, carrot-cake cheesecake and no messy little hands.
``We got a chance to talk about some of the concepts we heard in the parenting class,'' Jeannie Griffith said.
``I think we're doing a good job. But it's always good to hear that other parents have the same frustrations.'' MEMO: For information about upcoming sessions, call Holy Communion Lutheran
Church at 488-2604 on Tuesdays or Thursdays between 4 and 7 p.m. ILLUSTRATION: GARY C. KNAPP COLOR PHOTOS
Jeannie and Timothy A. Griffith dined at the Olive Garden Italian
Restaurant while their three kids played at the Holy Communion
Lutheran Church in Portsmouth. The couple discussed ``some of the
concepts we heard in the parenting class,'' Jeannie said.
Robert Spruiell, with his son David, 1 1/2, participated in the
Portsmouth church program.
by CNB