THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Wednesday, November 2, 1994 TAG: 9411020012
SECTION: FRONT PAGE: A21 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Opinion
SOURCE: RUSSELL BAKER
DATELINE: WASHINGTON LENGTH: Medium: 83 lines
Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money . . .
Man here bids 25 for a Senate seat. Million, that is. Million dollars. Twenty-five million is bid by Mr. Huffington. Do I hear 26, 26, 26 . . . ?
It's Ms. Feinstein's seat up for sale. A good California seat. Cheap at half the price for a California seat. Richard Nixon had a California seat and it took him all the way to the White House.
Do I hear 26, Ms. Feinstein? 26? 26?
She's gone to the bank, gone to the racetrack, gone to the loan sharks, gone to the big big biggies who like Washington to pick up the phone when they ring.
We can wait. No sale is final until Nov. 8. That's why we call it democracy, folks: no office purchase final until Election Day.
Money, money, money, money, money, money. . .
Colonel North bids 18, 18, 18 . . .
Eighteen very big ones are bid by the colonel. Eighteen million simoleons for a seat in the Senate.
But not just any seat. Am I right, cunnel? That ``cunnel's'' a joke, colonel. If yours is the biggest bid on this seat, you're going to have to learn to speak a little Dixie talk, 'cuz you gonna hold the most expensive seat in the Souf, cunnel. Yessir, you will be Senator North of the South.
Eighteen million is bid by the colo-nel . . .
What's that, colonel? Call you ``Ollie''?
Folks, show me a man with 18 million big ones to throw around, I'll not only call him ``Ollie,'' I'll let him call me ``Stan.'' That's a joke, colonel. You've got to remember Laurel and Hardy to get it.
Mister Robb - you being a U.S. Senator, I don't like looking down on you, no matter what Mark Twain said about that being the only way to look on a politician, but upping your bid to 4 million is no way to impress your fellow Virginians.
How's that, Mister Robb? Call you ``Chuck''? What's going on in Virginia these days, guys? In the old days Robert E. Lee didn't go around down there encouraging crowds to call him ``Bobsy-Wobsy,'' did he?
Chuck, you've got to get that 4 million bid up, up, up, up. Up, Chuck.
That's a Freudian slip, folks, expressing how the wonderful old American democratic process is apt to affect you nowadays.
The colonel's already said 18, 18, 18, big 18, Chuck. Your four, four, four, four, four is not even in the ballpark, and this seat would be a steal at 25. Do I hear 25, 25, 25?
We are talking Virginia, Ollie. Virginia, Chuck. Virginia is Georgie Washington and Tommy the Jeff, Jimmy Madison and Pat Henry. That's class, guys. You don't buy class for peanuts. It takes money, money, money, money, mon-ey . . .
Senate, Senate, Senate, Senate, Senate. You want to get there? Sure you want to get there. It's the top. Cole Porter said it in music: ``You're the top, you're the U.S. Senate.''
You got all that money, your wife is tired of the same old crowd at the country club, wants to dance at the White House. ``The top,'' she says. ``Let's go to the top.'' What're you gonna do? Start way down there? Run for sheriff? City council? State legislature? Waste years learning the busi-ness?
Used to be, you had to do that. Not anymore, thanks to money, money, money, money, money. With that good old democratic process called money, money, money, money, every millionaire can start - yes, start - I say START - at the top.
You there, Mr. Mitt Romney, bidding your pile for another great seat, a Massachusetts seat, just reeking with Adams and Kennedy tradition, we're waiting for you to match Senator Kennedy's latest $2 million bid.
Yes, yes, Senator, we all know you had to mortgage your house to get that measly 2 million. All your guys out there ought to take a lesson from the Senator. These seats are worth whatever they cost you, and then some.
How'd you like your obituaries to say you missed a chance to serve in the same Senate with Ollie North or Chuck Robb, with Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond and Al D'Amato? What am I bid for New Jersey? For Tennessee? This is democracy in action, folks. Money, money, money, money, money, money, money . MEMO: Mr. Baker's column is distributed by the New York Times Syndicate, 122
E. 42nd St., New York, N.Y. 10168.
KEYWORDS: U.S. SENATE RACE VIRGINIA CANDIDATES OPINION by CNB