THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, November 8, 1994 TAG: 9411070249
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY MATTHEW BOWERS, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 151 lines
COMPLETE THIS sentence, the exercise demanded: ``My husband or wife is . . separated seminar members seated around the conference table this weekday night. There were laughs and knowing nods all around.
Well, countered psychologist Daniele P. Power, they're never quite history.
``One way they are, another way they aren't,'' she reminded the group. ``You still have to deal with this person.''
That's why they all were gathered recently in a small meeting room in a first-floor office of the Juvenile and Domestic Relations District Court in Chesapeake. Like or it not - and most did not - they still had to deal with their estranged spouses, particularly concerning their children.
This reality popped up in another answer to another incomplete sentence: ``My children are . . . ?''
``. . . Often caught in the battle,'' Power read from one sheet.
More nods. But no laughs this time.
These people knew how tough divorce is on children. They were living it.
Helping parents recognize and deal with the impact of divorce, particularly the impact on their children, is the goal of this unique program of the juvenile court and one of its support agencies, Volunteers in Youth Services.
``Effects of Divorce on Children,'' a free four-session seminar led by volunteer therapists, is the only program of its kind in Hampton Roads.
``I wish it would be longer,'' said Eunice H. McNair.
The 36-year-old psychological testing expert has been separated from her husband for 15 months. But she said it was the seminar that first made her see how she lays unhealthy emotional burdens on her children, Jason, 9, and Jessica, 6, when she complains about their father or worries aloud about paying the mortgage.
``One thing I noticed I do, I have to separate my issues from my children,'' McNair said. ``My son has told me: `I'll sell my toys, I'll sell my Nintendo, we'll have a yard sale.'
``They don't need to worry. They're kids.''
At a recent session, psychologist Power invited the six women and lone man to vent their fears, their frustrations and their anger, then she took what they said and applied it to lessons for all.
``My daddy would buy that for me!'' a mother mimicked her 3-year-old son.
``Yes, that's one of the games,'' Power said.
``I think my kids are too protective of their father,'' another woman said angrily. ``It's hard for me not to say bad things. . . . I find myself joking with my kids about my husband's girlfriend.''
``I think I should talk to her father,'' said a woman at the other end of the table, complaining about having to route messages through their daughter. ``She's only 12.''
``Again, it's very common to put the child in the middle,'' Power said, adding sympathetically, ``It's hard.''
``Terrible,'' muttered the woman.
For years, juvenile court officials also saw that divorce was hard, particularly on the children torn between two parents. They knew that divorce was blamed for all manor of social ills, from lousy school test scores to increasingly violent juvenile crime. Even in the best situations, divorce disrupts children's lives in ways parents often don't realize.
The court officials got the idea for the program from an advice pamphlet of the same name. They then sat down with psychologists to set up something that would help couples going through a bad time not forget the youngest - and most innocent - victims of divorce.
So judges and family counselors refer to the program couples who are in the process of separation or divorce and are facing child-custody decisions. The judges' recommendations are strong ones - they choose cases where they see potential problems - but no one is ordered to participate.
Even though some spouses use this as an excuse not to attend - a big reason why only half showed up at the recent session - the judges believe it needs to be voluntary to be most effective, said Judge James A. Leftwich.
``It's a good resource for us,'' the judge said. ``It's a real comfort to us to have somewhere to refer people.''
The program has no official funding; therapists give their time in exchange for exposure for their practices.
``We are not trying to do therapy, which is very different,'' said Power, a first-time volunteer from Churchland Psychological of Great Bridge. ``We're trying to raise awareness.''
``They're also trying to arm parents with techniques to handle problems their children may have. Most are simple: Post rules of behavior on the refrigerator, for example, so children know what's OK and what's not as they move from one parent's home to the other. Or use coloring books or computer games to distract children who are sad after leaving one parent's home. Sometimes it's enough just to give them 10 minutes alone until their sadness or anger subsides.
``It really is all about parenting,'' said Claire C. Park, a program volunteer whose job is teaching parenting classes for Navy Family Services. ``I tell them, `You can always un-marry, but you can't un-parent. . . . And your children need to know that.''
Knowledge also helps parents figure out their children's feelings. A 5-year-old may start acting out and misbehaving under the stress of a divorce, while an adolescent is more likely to become withdrawn and depressed, Park said.
``So it really is all about, in a very difficult situation, giving them as much information, as much honesty as possible and helping them find their way,'' Park said. ``All of us are different, and all of us handle things differently. The same with children. And we have to respect that.''
At the recent session, psychologist Power listed a dozen harmful ``games'' children and spouses play during divorces.
Children often will play one parent against the other, saying, ``But Mom said. . . ''
Parents will use their children to spy on each other's new love interest.
Power also warned against putting the children in the middle, either by using them as sounding boards or as shoulders to cry on. It's better to save that for adult family members or friends, she said.
Learning that her feelings were the normal stages of grief for her failed marriage greatly relieved Kimberly A. Thompson, a 25-year-old restaurant bartender.
Going to the 112-to 2-hour sessions weren't her favorite thing after a day at work, Thompson said, ``but when I get there, I get somethings off my chest, and I feel good.''
``I think it's a good program that the court system offers,'' agreed McNair, ``because it gives them an opportunity to listen to other people talk. It's good to know you're not the only one.''
When the program began, attendance was closer to 80 percent. Some warring spouses would sit at opposite ends of the table, screaming at each other.
Now, usually just one of the two spouses will come, more often women than men. Some say they stay away out of fear of their spouses. Mel Bass, who took over as program coordinator in October, said his office is looking at starting a parallel program so that both spouses can attend but not have to sit in the same room. But because the program relies on volunteers, it's hard to come up with enough therapists for a second session, Bass said.
His office also is working on a program just for children, who would go to their own room while their parents went into another. This brought a cheer from parents at a recent session.
``Right now, other than private counseling that has to be provided out of pocket or through insurance, there isn't anything else,'' Bass said. ``A lot of these families are struggling, splitting income.''
One thing the program doesn't do is try to get couples back together, although there have been a ``couple of close calls,'' Gossner said.
It's considered a success if spouses start talking about the children and remain active parents. It's what the children want.
At the recent session, one woman described how her daughter recently had drawn a picture of a heart with both her parents inside. The girl said she was showing how her father was still part of her heart, even though he was no longer in the house.
``It gives people hope,'' psychologist Power said of the program. ``Because those people coming are pretty unhappy. And those people have a lot of guilt for the impact it has on their children.''
``Effects of Divorce on Children'' always is looking for volunteers and sometimes has had to delay new sessions up to six months because there was no one to lead them. Qualified volunteers who are interested, can call program coordinator Mel Bass at 436-8179 or 436-8185. ILLUSTRATION: Color staff drawing by John Earle
KEYWORDS: DIVORCE by CNB