THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, November 8, 1994 TAG: 9411080026
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: Medium: 74 lines
WELL HERE IT is Election Day, and many of you will be voting for the first time.
So this morning, as a public service, I will try to walk you through the election process so that you will end the day feeling as though you have been in step with your fellow citizens.
Attitude Adjustment. Polls show your fellow citizens are mad as hell at officeholders. So you need to get mad as hell right now! Here are some things that should put you in the mood.
1. Substitute a spoonful of instant coffee for your usual perked java, making sure the cup is first filled with cold rather than hot tap water.
2. Once you've finished your morning coffee:
A. Kick the dog or cat.
B. Set fire to the trash can.
C. Take a shower after first hiding all the towels in some place where you can't find them.
D. Towel off with a large sheet of sandpaper and skip the deodorant.
E. Leave an obscene message for those dialing your phone answering machine. Or, if you're too polite, a simple ``Up yours!'' should do it.
What to Wear? Forget the suit. Do you want to be mistaken for a congressman doing a sound bite on TV? Ditto sportcoat, which indicates that the wearer is somehow feeling casual and upbeat. The coat sends the message that you are unaware the country is going to hell without passing Go and Congress is rolling the dice. Your best bet is the Send-Em-A-Message wardrobe:
A. Tight-fitting Rolling Thunder briefs for men, steel mesh panty hose for women.
B. Rough wool Terminator shirt with either a pit bull or rattler embroidered on pocket. (Military-issue metal-plated Bible optional for inside shirt pocket.)
C. Kiss My Keester or Ditto Head model jeans with studs. Lynch mob belt made of hemp from hangman's rope.
D. Bulletproof vest.
E. Metal-toed boots.
At the Polls. Body language is important. Think of Clint Eastwood doing a cowboy movie: legs spread, eyes of steel squinted into hard slits, chip on the shoulder. Why not exercise your arms before exercising your vote? Try clapping a palm over a biceps with a popping sound while thrusting your clenched fist upward. If age or physical infirmity limits use of arms, ask the person behind you to shoot a bird in the direction of the voting booths.
Poll Workers. Unfortunately many poll workers belong to the same party as an incumbent and may even vote for one! Listen for telltale signs that may be hinting to voters the country or district is doing OK. If a poll worker chirps ``Good morning'' or ``Have a nice day,'' reply ``Who sez!'' Or, better still, vomit on his or her record book.
In the Polling Booth.
A. Remember it's slash and burn time, so show no mercy as you plunge a dagger into the heart of the rotten political system. Whatever your problem is, someone who is an incumbent is directly responsible. Concentrate on any negative thing you know about the incumbent and let it dominate. Keep in mind that the current officeholder would not be where he or she is without the votes and financial support of Bosnian Serbs, the Iraqi Republican Guard and the Abu Nidal terrorist organization.
B. Sometimes a non-incumbent appears to be such a thorough scoundrel that the voter is tempted not to vote for him or her at the last minute. This temptation should be stoutly resisted. Even if the challenger is a proved liar. Remember they are all liars. And, actually, the habitual liar will eventually tell so many lies that they contradict previous falsehoods - thereby TELLING THE TRUTH.
C. Avoid forming an emotional attachment to persons for whom you have just voted. They'll be part of the sorry mess you'll have to clean up next time. by CNB