THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, November 15, 1994 TAG: 9411150043
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY MATTHEW BOWERS, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Medium: 80 lines
I GET HOME FROM work. I ask my daughter how school went. She answers the same as always: ``Fine.''
So much for conversation.
I pick up this book, ``The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children: Parenting From the Heart.'' In it, Steven V. Vannoy talks about proactive parenting, shaping children's emotional health and values every day instead of just reacting to problems as they come up.
``Focus forward,'' Vannoy says. By concentrating on strengths, talents and virtues - the positives - you boost children's self-esteem, help them develop integrity, and not incidentally, stop unwanted behavior. Children generally go for what gets them noticed, he says. Focus on the negatives - ``don't jump in that mud puddle'' - and you'll often wind up with a muddy kid.
Vannoy says he discovered all this a little late. He was a big-time entertainment agent. He made big bucks, was into ``collecting toys'' like homes and yachts, but dropped his family way down on his priority list. Eventually, he lost them. Then bad business deals cost him his money.
At 37, he was living in a friend's damp basement, spending his days on a park bench, scavenging aluminum cans for change. He contemplated suicide.
He realized his two daughters were all he had left of any value. He couldn't afford to give them expensive gifts, he says, so he opted for priceless ones. Gifts such as self-esteem, compassion, integrity and humor. Ten all together. Given through his positive parenting.
He read and talked with experts, but mostly with real parents who told him their stories, good and bad. He wrote his book.
Publishers ignored him, so he published it on his own in 1993 in Colorado. Two thousand copies. They jumped off the shelves. Parents were hungry for help. Grandmom and -dad often aren't across town anymore, and neighbors or the corner shopkeeper don't watch out for our children like in the old days.
The big publishers noticed. Simon & Schuster of New York published him nationally in September, and is taking the book into a third printing. Vannoy's talking with Oprah Winfrey about collaborating on some shows, and work has begun on a four-part Public Broadcasting Service special for 1995. He sponsors workshops, seminars and newsletters.
``Almost to a person, we don't want to raise little jerks,'' the 44-year-old author said recently from Colorado.
If nothing else, parents about to correct their children should ``stop and take a moment just to taste those words before they spit them out, and make sure they're getting a message that they're good and not bad.''
An example from his book: He saw a mother picking apples in a supermarket. Her young son also picked one to add to her shopping bag, and she scolded him for touching things. He got the message that he shouldn't be curious or think on his own, and that he was bad.
A few feet away, another mother's young daughter reached out to touch some broccoli and asked why it felt the way it did. This mother said she didn't know, asked the girl if she had any ideas and then promised to help her find out the next time they went to the library. This girl, Vannoy says, got the message that curiosity was good, her opinions mattered and she was a good kid.
I decide to try one thing from the book. Each night, I ask my daughter what was the best thing to happen to her that day. This is supposed to spark conversation and help her focus on the positives in her life, which should lead to more positives.
The new question has increased her conversation three-fold.
Now she answers: ``I don't know.''
It's a start.
MEMO: Vannoy explains his philosophy of positive parenting at a free public
forum at 7 p.m. on Thursday at the new Oscar Smith High School off Great
Bridge Boulevard, near River Walk. The forum is sponsored by the Women's
Health Center at Chesapeake General Hospital. For more information, call
482-6188.
ILLUSTRATION: Color photo courtesy of Chesapeake General Hospital
Steven V. Vannoy couldn't give his daughters expensive gifts so he
opted for priceless ones.
by CNB