THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Monday, November 21, 1994 TAG: 9411190079
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: Medium: 77 lines
HEY, IS BILL Clinton in trouble or whut?
I liked him at first. But that was before the president made such a fool of himself at the '93 NCAA basketball championships, rooting for the Arkansas Razorbacks.
Although his press secretary denies it, I know a car dealer who attended the national championships and sat behind the president and first lady. He swears he heard the leader of the free world shout ``sooey hogs!'' at least twice. He said Bill held the megaphone for her. And the president wore one of those red hog hats that looks like a plastic mountain range with tusks.
I never forgave Bill Clinton for wearing that hat. But - knowing how idiotic that sounds at this moment - I assumed everyone thought he was just fine except me. He has such a nice, boyish grin. And Billy Boy really seems to be one of us in his ball cap and sweat shirt - even if the Big Macs stuffed in the hip pockets of his jeans do seem to wiggle like hamsters on his butt during power walks.
And, once you get over the fact that he is - as the conservative talk show hosts say - a draft-dodging, homosexual-loving, petty-grafting, womanizing, military-hating, peacenik, socialist, counter-culturalist . . . he seems like a pretty nice guy. Or, so I thought.
The recent political campaign showed what a fool I was. Imagine believing anyone like Bill Clinton? All a Republican challenger had to do to win in the '94 election was run a TV commercial that changed the features of an opponent so he looked like the president. Hardly any Democrats asked Clinton to campaign for them. He was about as welcome as a party balloon at a funeral.
Before the election, Clinton was getting less respect than Rodney Dangerfield. You can just imagine what the GOP, led by Newt ``Sucker Punch'' Gingrich, will do to him now.
I'm sure Gingrich will have no trouble persuading us that the president is even worse than imagined.
Scene: The Capitol steps. Gingrich, the new Speaker of the House, reports that the president - the most unliked man in America - has become reclusive:
``I'm told that he locks himself in his room and howls nightly at the moon. We've known for a long time he was out of the mainstream. But who would have guessed our president is a werewolf?!''
That little episode may seem a little farfetched to you. But remember Clinton is given to wearing that grotesque hog hat and has not been shaving as often since the election.
And never underestimate Gingrich's ability to shape public thinking. He - you recall - chose the moment when his wife of 18 years was in the hospital for her second cancer operation to propose his tightfisted terms for a divorce. Yet he deftly established himself as a champion of stronger family values.
Now as powerless as an other-brand-battery toy trying to keep up with the Energizer Bunny, our president has only one option left.
What if he announced tomorrow that he has prayed long and hard along with Pat Robertson on the 700 Club and has been converted. . . into a Republican?!
Imagine it. No more talk of Whitewater investigations from the Republican side for fear that he might become the next Republican served with articles of impeachment.
Clinton could destroy every GOP bill from the outset by announcing that ``as a solid Republican,'' he's for it. Dole and Gingrich would be distracted from their legislative agenda by their newest party member. And efforts to distance themselves from Clinton by claiming that he wasn't a ``real Republican'' wouldn't work. The president could merely reply that they said the same about Jack Kemp - and Barry Goldwater, after he gave a thumbs up to gays in the military.
Talk about an idea whose time has come. Better to get the Republicans goat now than be werewolfed by a man with the name of a salamander. ILLUSTRATION: Photo
Clinton: Time to switch? by CNB