THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Wednesday, November 23, 1994 TAG: 9411230069
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E01 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: Craig Shapiro
LENGTH: Long : 122 lines
JUST LEAFING through a couple of cookbooks convinced me there's more ways to cook a turkey than shoving it in the oven at 325. For starters, there's Turkey Divan, Galantine of Turkey and Paprika Turkey from the Hungarian Puszta.
OK. So what? Well, seeing that Videomatic runs today and Thanksgiving is tomorrow, coming up with a list of video turkeys seemed like a good idea.
But after running it by my friend, an ill-tempered, opinionated sort whom it's my curse to indulge, I did see the need for a disclaimer.
``You just picked out movies you didn't like,'' he said. ``It should be a film that's generally considered (fill in blank) by critics or were big box-office flops - which are generally (fill in blank) movies - or were big, grandiose blockbusters that went down the toilet. Films like that.''
``But `Heaven's Gate' and Chevy Chase movies are too easy,'' I replied. ``How else can you define a turkey but by your own standards?''
I had him there.
And, being a good-humored, tolerant sort with high principles, I've stuck to my guns: No easy targets. No sequels, either. Ed Wood is out of the running, too. He's been picked on enough.
Which kind of explains all those recipes that started off this column, and the Turkey Top 20 that follows. It's just me mouthing off. Besides, if No. 3 or No. 17 doesn't roast your giblets, one or two others might. Here goes:
``Gone With the Wind'' - Sorry, but the appeal of this overwrought soap opera has always escaped me. And I used to live in Atlanta.
``Bram Stoker's Dracula'' - Shame-shame on Francis Ford Coppola for hiding his flabby, long-winded dud behind Stoker's good name.
``The Big Chill'' - Enough with the whiny, yuppie angst. Rent ``Return of the Secaucus 7'' if you want to see this done right.
``The Flintstones'' - I read a review calling it yabba-dabba-doo-doo. Wish I'd thought of that.
``Tombstone'' - Bad enough to make you pull for Ike Clanton and Johnny Ringo.
``Scarface'' - Too much. Brian DePalma and Al Pacino did it much better last year in ``Carlito's Way.''
``A Star Is Born'' - Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson. Whoo, there's chemistry.
``Basic Instinct'' - A friend says she's never ever seen a Sharon Stone movie. Lucky.
``Dances With Wolves'' - Boooor-ing. Boooor-ing.
``Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves'' - Diiiit-to. Diiiit-to.
``The Bonfire of the Vanities'' - Make it a scavenger hunt: Find one shred of Tom Wolfe's novel.
``Fatal Attraction'' - A one-nighter with Glenn Close when Anne Archer is waiting at home? Right.
``9 1/2 Weeks'' - Can be expanded to include anything with Mickey Rourke.
``The Commitments'' - They did for R&B what Eddie and the Cruisers did for rock 'n' roll.
``The Three Musketeers'' - Kiefer Sutherland, Charlie Sheen, Oliver Platt, Chris O'Donnell. No (Du)mas. No (Du)mas.
``Star Trek: The Motion Picture'' - Absurd plot, acting straight from the Smithfield school - just like the TV show.
``Cujo'' - Not in? ``Children of the Corn'' or ``Christine'' will do. And those are just the C's in the Stephen King alphabet.
``Altered States'' - Imagine, Ken Russell going over the top. I know folks who gave it a most-deserved standing raspberry.
``The Black Hole'' - Just where Disney's sci-fi stinker belongs.
``Cobra'' - See Sly sneer. Grunt, Sly, grunt.
BOXED TO GO: Paramount isn't letting the 40th anniversary of ``White Christmas'' go unnoticed. A collector's edition of the holiday fave includes a letterbox version of the movie, a copy of Rosemary Clooney's script and the digitally remastered CD soundtrack with Clooney and Bing Crosby singing those great Irving Berlin songs. It lists for $59.95.
SUCH A DEAL: New to Republic's British Sterling Collection: ``Britannia Hospital,'' ``Billy Liar,'' ``Steptoe & Son,'' ``Steptoe & Son Ride Again,'' ``The Belles of St. Trinian's,'' ``I Am a Dancer,'' ``Scott of the Antarctic,'' ``The Colditz Story'' ($9.98)
Paramount has marked down ``There Goes the Neighborhood,'' ``Orca: The Killer Whale,'' ``Boomerang,'' ``A New Life,'' ``Nijinksy'' ($14.95) and ``Fire in the Sky'' ($19.95)
Orion has ``Desperately Seeking Susan,'' ``Hannah and Her Sisters,'' ``The Woman in Red,'' ``Maxie'' and ``Summer Lovers'' ($9.98)
Finally, Columbia TriStar has reduced ``Rudy'' ($19.95)
TOP TAPES (in Billboard):
Sales: ``Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,'' ``Jurassic Park,'' ``The Nightmare Before Christmas,'' ``The 3 Tenors in Concert 1994,'' ``The Flintstones''
Rentals: ``The Paper,'' ``The Crow,'' ``Jurassic Park,'' ``Guarding Tess,'' ``No Escape''
The Couch Report
``Little Buddha'' (1994, Miramax). Colorful. Inspiring. Thoughtful. All kinds of adjectives apply to Bernardo Bertolucci's film, but none more so than relevant. The director of ``The Last Emperor'' again shows a deft hand with a sweeping narrative, weaving the story of a boy who may be the reincarnation of a Buddhist teacher with the legend of Prince Siddhartha. Buddha's realization - that salvation is impossible without compassion for every living being - is a universal lesson. A gentle, gorgeous film sparked by a convincing performance by Keanu Reeves.
(CAST: Keanu Reeves, Bridget Fonda, Chris Isaak, Alex Wiesendanger. RATED: PG, nothing offensive but little kids won't get it)
Also: ``Sioux City,'' a mystery starring Lou Diamond Phillips (unrated); Richard Harris and Barbara Hershey in TNT's ``Abraham'' (unrated), and ``Halloween Havoc,'' a wrasslin' fest featuring the Hulk Hogan-Ric Flair grudge match.
Next Wednesday: ``Getting Even With Dad,'' ``Germinal,'' ``Inner Sanctum 2,'' ``Betty,'' ``Marianne & Julianne,'' ``Late Spring'' ILLUSTRATION: Color photo
Just what is the appeal of ``Gone With the wind''?
WARNER BROS. Photo
Kevin Costner stars as the immortal swashbuckling hero in ``Robin
Hood: Prince of Thieves,'' a boooor-ing movie.
by CNB