THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, November 27, 1994 TAG: 9411240224
SECTION: VIRGINIA BEACH BEACON PAGE: 08 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: Bill Reed
LENGTH: Medium: 67 lines
Nucks Nolan is slouched at the counter of a Laskin Road beanery, stirring a cup of java and gloomily pondering a mystery he can't solve.
It is driving him nuts. He can't sleep. He can't eat. He can't chase the chicks. He is behaving totally out of character for a self-respecting, two-fisted, hard-drinking private eye.
No matter whom he talks to, no matter where he goes, he just can't nail down the answers to the questions that keep buzzing around and around in his noggin like flies in an outdoor privy.
Why, why did the mayor go to China? he asks himself. Who picks up the tab for the trip? Why? Was it the taxpayers? A sugar daddy? Will she come back with the secret ingredient in bird's nest soup?
Now, you'd think a P.I. with Nucks Nolan's moxie could turn up answers to no-brainers like this without breaking a sweat or some heads, right?
Wrong. It's nothin' but frustration city for our favorite gumshoe.
It builds up in the pit of his stomach like an overripe burrito as he ankles over to the city's Public Information office. There he puts the arm on the resident public info dispenser, who has curly blond locks and big baby blues. Despite the charm he dishes out, she gives him nothin' but a blank stare and an ``I dunno.''
Next, he moseys over to City Hall, where he collars a couple of bureaucrats in three-piece suits and is greeted with more blank stares. ``I dunno,'' he is told again.
With aching bunions, Nucks directs his brogans to the City Attorney's office, the Commonwealth's Attorney's office, the Treasurer's office, the Commissioner of the Revenue's office and the Sheriff's office. Nothing.
He calls a couple of City Council members who are his Wednesday night poker buddies. Nothing. He calls on a civic league president with close ties to the mayor. Another glassy gaze.
A few days later Nucks is sulking in his drafty, second floor Atlantic Avenue office, his feet propped up on a scarred rolltop desk, watching the smoke from his cigarette curl up toward the ceiling when the mystery begins to unravel - sort of.
The phone rings and he snatches up the receiver with a beefy paw and cheerily snarls: ``Yeah?''
``Hi,'' says the caller. ``I understand you are inquiring about he mayor's trip to China?''
``Yeah,'' Nucks replies. ``So what?''
``Well, I'm a person in the know and I can tell you, without fear of contradiction, that the mayor's trip is financed by a local businessman AND it is strictly on the up and up. What is more, the good citizens of Virginia Beach soon will be dancing merrily on the roof top of City Hall when they find out how greatly they stand to benefit from this sojourn abroad.
``I can also report that she is returning with a bag full of investment goodies that will make even the eyes of venal resort hotel owners bug out like stops on a cathedral organ. And, she is returning with the secret ingredient to bird's nest soup, something never before accomplished by an American public official - including Richard Nixon.''
``How do you know all this, wise guy?'' Nucks snaps.
``Because I am a close and trusted personal acquaintance,'' the informant replies. ``And I have my thumb on the pulse of this fair city.''
``Well,'' snorts Nucks. ``If you know so cotton-pickin' much, why is it I can't get this info from the folks at City Hall if my life depends on it?''
``Simple,'' the informant says. ``It ain't in their job description.'' by CNB