THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Thursday, December, 1, 1994 TAG: 9411300046
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: By PATRICK K. LACKEY, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Medium: 70 lines
TAKE MY WIFE, please.
But seriously, have you heard the one about . . . well, of course, you have, but if a joke's good enough, you want to hear it again. Better to hear a good joke 10 or 100 times than a bad joke once.
What the world needs is an old jokes hall of fame - a house of nuts for chestnuts.
It might be called The Old Jokes Hall of Fame.
For obvious reasons, The Old Jokes Hall of Fame should be situated, also built, in Ho-ho-kus, New Jersey, a mere 15-mile, eight-hour drive from New York City, a major population center. Second choice is Hackensack, also in New Jersey. Any name you have to spit after saying is funny. Third choice is Short Pump, Va. Male sexual inadequacy is always a hoot.
I envision a large amoeba-shaped building with a giant yarmulke on top in tribute to Jewish comics, without whom no gentile would know what schmuck means. I'm an Irishman who probably has no idea what he's talking about, but it has always seemed to me that Jews come in two categories: Henry Kissinger and funny. The rhythm of humor is Yiddish, and humor is rhythm, or rhythm is humor. I forget which. Anyway, all oppressed people are funny - humor is survival - and Jews have been working on their material for millennia.
The Old Jokes Hall of Fame will have no parking lot. Visitors' cars will be towed away by mime hot dog venders, and visitors will be sold jokes that describe the experience. ``The funniest thing happened on the way to (fill in where you were going) . . . '' and so on.
Different legs of the amoeba will be dedicated to different comedians. An amoeba can have any number of legs, with the different legs different sizes.
The Henny Youngman leg will be huge, visible even from outer space, like the Great Wall of China. Visitors will spend whole parts of their lives, like puberty, in the Henny Youngman leg, absorbing one-liners. Remember why Youngman never reported his VISA card stolen? `` 'Cause the guy who stole it is spending less than my wife.''
In the Jack Benny leg, visitors who push a button will hear the pauses from Benny's greatest jokes - not the jokes, just the pauses, about 15 minutes of pauses altogether. And visitors will laugh, because Benny's pauses were perfect. Remember, humor is timing or timing is humor. I forget which. The pause I want to hear is the one that came after a robber told Benny, ``Your money or your life.'' Thinking of that pause cracks me up, and to actually hear it would slay me.
One amoeba leg will be devoted to the all-time great butts of jokes. ``Nixon had anti-charisma. When he entered a room, people looked around to see who left.'' Quayle jokes are too recent for inclusion, unless there's a leg for comic misspellings.
There'd be a leg for malaprops. Another for the 37,419 Ed Sullivan impersonators. A closet for Rodney Dangerfield.
The Old Jokes Hall of Fame will be nonprofit and grant-sucking. I'll run it for a high salary.
No racist jokes will be permitted. But as an Irishman, I'll allow any jokes poking fun at England.
I'll like all the legs, but my favorite might turn out to be the one reserved for children's jokes. ``Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.'' ``When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.''
I've got a million of 'em. ILLUSTRATION: Color photos
Rodney
Henny
Jack
by CNB