THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, December 11, 1994 TAG: 9412080174
SECTION: CAROLINA COAST PAGE: 03 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: Ford Reid
LENGTH: Medium: 67 lines
Because many people will be traveling by airplane during the holidays, I recently made a research trip so that I might offer helpful hints for your coming expeditions.
First, there is the matter of the ticket.
You probably think that when you plunk down your $500 or so you are buying a ticket that will get you to a certain place at a particular time.
Wrong.
What you are buying is a sort of lottery ticket. If you are very lucky, you will get where you are going when you want to be there. I had that experience once back in the late '80s and I cherish the memory.
Usually, you miss connections. But look at the bright side. You will have opportunities to explore strange airports for hours on end. I exchange Christmas cards with several airport janitors and security guards that I got to know quite well during unintended layovers.
You might even get to stay in a peculiar motel that is hemmed in on all sides by interstate highways and has a really bad restaurant. If you are fortunate, your room will have cable, although most of the stations will be in languages that you do not recognize.
Best of all, you will get to hear the airlines' clever explanations of why none of this is their fault. Invariably, the first excuse involves terrible weather in some far off place, but if you press them, you may get to hear some impressive techno-babble.
You will hear more lies than you have heard since the Nixon Administration.
The second tip is to take some food with you.
Airplane food has gone from bad to nonexistent. Eight hours into my trip I was offered my first snack, consisting of two pieces of rye bread the size of commemorative postage stamps and a shot-glass size cup of tuna salad.
The tuna was frozen solid and when I tried to warm it with my lighter the stewardess reminded me that it was a no smoking flight.
Stuff your pockets with one dollar bills and all kinds of change.
Airlines, which sell thousands of drinks a day at $4 a pop have never figured out how to make change. A stewardess woke me from a deep nap in the back of the plane to ask if I had ten ones on me. I guess I look like an experienced traveler.
Making change is a lost art in the terminal shops, too. When you get to the cash register carrying a small cup of weak coffee that costs $1.67 and hand the cashier a one and three quarters she will say ``Don't you have anything smaller?''
Don't get annoyed with her. It is a rule. She has to say that to every customer, otherwise she will run out of change and they will have to close the restaurant until they can ship in some pennies and nickels from the international headquarters in Zurich.
When you pack, be sure to take three times what you need and carry it all on board. Searching for adequate space in the overhead compartments will slow things down considerably and make your expensive trip last much longer.
Lastly, begin now to practice controlled shouts, cries, whimpers and pouts. I prefer method acting, myself, but you can come up with your own system.
Creating a scene is the only way that you can get the airlines to do anything for you when they delay your travel. You might even get them to spring for a $5 airport hamburger when they leave you stuck in an out of the way place.
But be sure and ask for the right change. by CNB