THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, December 13, 1994 TAG: 9412130049
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: My Family
SOURCE: BY JOAN STANUS, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Medium: 68 lines
FIVE YEARS ago, when my husband and I asked my mother to move in with us, we never realized we would be contributing to the breakdown of the conventional American family.
But, according to a recent U.S. Census Bureau report, we are.
The report found that 12.5 percent of American children now live in extended families with grandparents or another adult. An additional 15 percent live in ``blended'' families with stepparents and/or stepsiblings, and 31.9 percent live in families headed by single parents.
The conventional family - a married couple with kids and a stable home - is on the verge of becoming an exception rather than the rule, the report found.
For us, living in an unconventional family just seemed like a practical solution to making life in the '90s work.
My mother wasn't sick; she wasn't financially strapped. But after my father died, Mom discovered her home had become a financial drain and a maintenance burden. Besides, she felt vulnerable living alone.
My husband and I were just beginning to have children, and having Mom nearby, to help out, seemed like a godsend for two working parents. We knew it was just a matter of time before she would need our help, too.
But all three of us cherished our privacy and independence, and worried how we would get along on a daily basis. Still, we decided it was the best solution. So, after selling Mom's house, we built a separate mother-in-law's apartment over our garage for her.
Whenever I get harried with the kids, Mom's helping hand is just a door and a flight of steps away. While I drive my 5-year- old to kindergarten, Mom waits at the front door for the 3-year-old to arrive home from preschool. Mom doesn't cook anymore, but she's more than willing to play yet another round of ``Candy Land'' or read one more book to the grandkids.
And on those days when life with a growing family is too noisy and frantic for a 70-year-old, Mom can quickly escape upstairs, knowing we're just a holler away.
The arrangement has worked well for my family. Granted, we have the luxury of separate living quarters. Mom has her health, staying busy with her friends, making dolls and playing bingo. She keeps her distance, and we keep ours.
But even on our most stressed days, I know my children are getting a daily dose of something most kids have to travel hundreds of miles, once or twice a year to receive - the loving attention of a grandmother. Lucy and Bill know Nanny well.
But my family is far from alone in choosing to extend the conventional family. In my children's car pool, every one of the four families that participate has a grandmother living in the household who helps care for the children.
They, too, have found a solution that works for everyone - seniors with empty nests and declining health; time-starved adults who worry about neglecting their children and caring for their aging parents; and the children, who need as much nurturing in our high-energy, violence-plagued world as they can get.
I often feel sorry for those families who live in conventional households, where two adults alone must juggle jobs, children, home maintenance and other responsibilities. I honestly don't know how they manage.
At our house, it takes three adults to make a family work, even if it is an unconventional one. by CNB