THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, December 18, 1994 TAG: 9412160248
SECTION: CHESAPEAKE CLIPPER PAGE: 06 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Guest Column
SOURCE: BY V.G.
LENGTH: Long : 106 lines
Editor's note: The name of author of this column has been withheld because it is the policy of The Clipper not to identify victims of sexual assault. Under ordinary circumstances, The Clipper does not publish anonymous columns or letters to the editor.
I am not usually the type of person to make waves or call attention to myself. However, on this occasion, I find myself so outraged that I must make a statement in response to the article titled, ``Living death: Man who made a mistake given 40 years in prison.'' (The Clipper, Nov. 13).
Heidi Tatem-Jones, the author, made an assumption that there is not one citizen in Chesapeake (including the victim) who feels safer, happier and more satisfied knowing that Joe Bonneville is in prison for admitting to having sexually molested a 13-year-old girl 18 years ago when he was 29. Well, I'm here to remind people what happens to you when you assume. I do not know the victim, but I am the victim of a very similar situation.
Mr. Bonneville committed a horrendous crime against a child. He was an adult of 29 who claimed a girl of 13 had the ability to know what love was and to consent to an 18-month-long affair. The thought that Ms. Jones believes this is incredible. As a woman she should know better, and should be ashamed of herself.
She believes that Mr. Bonneville's scars will never fade and his pain will never subside. Please, give me a break! Did anyone else reading this article ask themselves, ``What about the victim?'' Did Ms. Jones ever once think about the victim? I am writing to explain to her and the rest of Chesapeake what it is like for a victim to survive this type of mental and sexual abuse. It is the victim's pain and scars that we should concern ourselves with.
I was sexually abused when I was 12 years old. The abuse went on almost every day for two years. The man who committed this crime continuously told me that he was my friend, that I was pretty, that he was the only one who understood me, that he loved me and, of course, ``not to tell.'' He was like a member of the family. I trusted him, and he used my innocence to get what he wanted. He abused me in my home and in front of my family's unsuspecting eyes.
During the time of the abuse and after, I turned into a model daughter, I was a good student and even better athlete. I had to be good on the outside because I was falling apart on the inside. I was afraid that if anyone found out that I would lose my family. People need to know that a child believes that the abuse is her fault and that she must have done something wrong in order for it to happen. One day the abuse stopped, and I thought it was gone forever. I couldn't have been more wrong.
Sexual abuse irrevocably alters a person's life. I've always had to wonder what my life would have been like if I were normal. I lost my innocence. I learned too fast and at too young an age what sex was like. He took away all the moments that a young girl experiences as she matures.
Fifteen years later, the secrets came out. My memories came flooding in. I felt guilty, dirty and ashamed. I began to realize that I had lived a life for other people and that I couldn't cope with it anymore. I went into therapy for a troubled marriage and was forced to deal with my painful past. I remembered all the times this man abused me. It was like opening the floodgates to my own personal hell. I realized it wasn't my husband that I didn't want to touch me, but it was any man. I had to re-live the whole experience in order to move on and gain some control of my life.
I confronted my abuser and, like Mr. Bonneville, he did not deny it. I have a copy of his confession on tape. I told his wife everything, and I told them that ``sorry'' is never good enough. He stole a part of my life that I can never get back. For 15 years, I lived with the fact that I thought I was a horrible daughter, sister and person. That I had to let people do what they wanted to me, for fear if they knew the truth about me they would not love me anymore.
I am now 28 years old and, for the first time, I am beginning to live my own life. With the help of my therapist and the support and love from my husband and friends, I am more confident that I am normal and this man was a sick and twisted individual. Part of me died when I was 12 years old. I can never regain that part of my life. I will never know the joys of a first kiss, first touch and first real sexual experience. I only know about the many times I tried to please people just so they would love and accept me. This man ruined my childhood and part of my adult life as well. I only wish that I had the courage to get a lawyer and put this man in jail. I have the evidence, but I do believe that I have suffered enough.
It is people like Ms. Jones who make the world what it is today. People must be held accountable for their actions. To have sympathy for an admitted child abuser is ludicrous. He committed a crime against a child and should have to pay for it. If 40 years is the punishment, then so be it. The victims of this type of abuse have had to endure more pain and hardship than the perpetrators will ever experience in a lifetime. Maybe if more people were strong enough to bring these criminals to trial, this type of abuse would end.
My advice to Ms. Jones is to wake up. She needs to realize we must protect children from the Mr. Bonnevilles of the world, not protect the Mr. Bonnevilles.
In closing, I am appalled that she is more concerned about the abuser than the victim. A child or adult lives with the memory of the abuse for the rest of her life. The effects can be overwhelming. Yes, a person can move on and heal, but why should the perpetrator be allowed to walk free? His innocence was not lost. His life should be permanently altered as well. Time does not erase the crime that he committed. Whether he wants to believe it or not, Mr. Bonneville completely altered the life of a young girl. She will never forget what it was like to be a child. Her memories, as well as mine, will be forever tainted.
From my personal experience, I know that I look at every young girl and wonder: Are their smiles really hiding something? by CNB