THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, December 23, 1994 TAG: 9412210124
SECTION: VIRGINIA BEACH BEACON PAGE: 1B EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY PAM STARR, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 103 lines
TONY AND BOBBIE Karpaitis gave up trips to Disney World, sleepovers, birthday parties and circus outings a long time ago.
After their two children left home, the Baycliff residents thought they would never watch another Saturday morning cartoon or trip over toys in the family room.
But that was before the Karpaitises obtained legal custody of their granddaughter, Michelle, four years ago when she was only 2 months old. These proud grandparents are the primary caretakers in Michelle's young life, and have not complained once about having to recycle their parenting experiences.
They cheerfully traded in their Honda Prelude for a Plymouth Voyager van - ``my mom-mobile,'' Bobbie calls it. They now travel with a potty seat and bags of toys and snacks. Bobbie, 62, has returned to carpooling and goes on field trips with Michelle's nursery school class.
``Your maternal instincts come back instantly,'' said Bobbie. ``We find it fun. The things that used to bother me when I was younger don't now. We enjoy her very much.''
The Karpaitises are part of a steadily growing trend in America - grandparents raising grandchildren. The AARP Grandparent Information Center in D.C. estimates that nearly 1 million American children are being raised by their grandparents or other relatives. Unpublished figures from the 1992 Census also indicate that there are 633,000 grandparent caregiver households.
In response, more than 300 support groups across the country have sprung up to help grandparents face the unique set of challenges of raising and not just spoiling their grandchildren. The Karpaitises founded the ``Grandparents Raising Grandchildren'' monthly support group in 1991 to offer ``emotional and moral support'' to these older full-time caregivers, said Tony Karpaitis, 63, a retired Navy captain.
``In some cases people are looking for an advocacy group,'' he said. ``We're strictly support, but we've been able to learn where to go for help for medical or legal assistance.''
The support group met last week at the Central Library, but Helen Allemand was the only other grandparent to show. Eight to 10 people usually share their stories around the table in meeting room B, said Bobbie, blaming the poor attendance on the busy holiday season. Still, the three grandparents had a productive meeting. Allemand, 59, and her husband, Clarence, are raising their 14-year-old granddaughter, Michele. Allemand, who has five grown children, said the support group really helps.
``Caring for a teenager is more mentally demanding than anything,'' she said. ``We get in here and gripe. You find out your problems aren't as difficult as other ones.''
One problem that grandparents may deal with is the blurring of the parental roles for the child. It's easy to be called ``mommy and daddy'' when you are the primary caretakers, said Bobbie.
``Sometimes Michelle asks me if I'm her real mommy,'' she said. ``I always tell her `No, I'm your grandmother.' Kids confuse her - they'll ask why she's being raised by her grandparents.''
Renee Woodworth, coordinator of the AARP Grandparent Information Center, said that grandparents today face an even tougher job of raising children than they did 30 years ago.
``The world is much more complex - it's certainly different from when they raised their kids,'' she said. ``The most frequent thing grandparents who call us ask is ``where are the support groups?'' They think they've lost their peer group - no one else their age is going to PTA meetings or dealing with diapers.
``The support groups can be helpful.''
Some grandparents are afraid to ``come out of the closet,'' said Tony Karpaitis, and let people know they're raising their grandchildren, because of what other people might think.
``A lot of reasons why grandparents have custody are related to current civic problems of drinking, drug abuse and death,'' he said. ``We've heard about a lot of problems. But what we talk about in here stays in here.''
The transition from serving as grandparents to parents can take some adjustment, said Tony Karpaitis. One day you're playing golf and the next day you could be sitting in the principal's office, discussing your grandchild's behavioral problem. You go out to eat at fancy restaurants less and less, and become satisfied with that old standby, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
``Our adjustment was no different from any other couple,'' said Tony. ``We were able to pick up and go before but now we have to choose our time carefully.
``I'm seeing more of Michelle growing up than I did my own children and that's nice,'' he added. ``We're having a good time - there's a lot of joy there.''
ILLUSTRATION: Photos by PETER D. SUNDBERG
Tony and Bobbie Karpaitis traded the ease of retirement when they
obtained custody of their granddaughter, Michelle, four years ago.
Now they drive a mini-van, carpool and go on field trips with
Michelle's nursery school class.
``Caring for a teenager is more mentally demanding than anything,''
says Helen Allemand 59, said. Allemand and her husband, Clarence,
are raising their 14-year-old granddaughter, Michele. Allemand, who
has five grown children, said the support group really helps. ``We
get in here and gripe. You find out your problems aren't as
difficult as other ones.''
by CNB