THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Saturday, December 24, 1994 TAG: 9412240329
SECTION: LOCAL PAGE: B1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Guy Friddell
LENGTH: Medium: 61 lines
Pat Buchanan, a reactionary Scrooge every so often, spent a recent talk show defending Santa Claus, the greatest liberal in history, prone to give handouts all around the globe without means-testing or any other common-sense safeguard.
Further, Santa is guilty of unlawful entry on a mass scale, coming via chimneys into locked homes, sliding on the seat of his pants, scattering soot and cinders underfoot everywhere he goes, the old coot.
It's a wonder the ancient eccentric wasn't committed long ago.
Has anybody examined the punitive fine print in the Republicans' Contract With America? If ever a populist was bent on redistributing the wealth, it is Santa Claus.
Had Santa children of his own, instead of being in loco parentis for a host of tots, his offspring would be outdone at the way the bulky old elf throws around his pelf.
They would be putting their heads together nightly muttering: ``But what in hell are we going to do about it? A man his age! He ought to retire and sit in the chimney corner instead of coming down the chimney, falling through the flue.
``And speeding about in a sleigh behind those smelly old reindeer! Can you feature Blitzen? It's a shame! One day he'll break his neck, you'll see! And we'll be to blame.''
One fellow who'd ban Santa is Tom Flynn, whom Buchanan introduced as a secular humanist from The Free Inquiry magazine.
Surely such a one, nearly as offbeat as St. Nick, ought to be cherished. Flynn indicts Santa in a book titled ``The Trouble with Christmas.''
Siding on some points with Flynn was Barry Lynne, Buchanan's sidekick. Buchanan has a fine, often hilarious propensity for indulging in the outrageous. Flynn told of a child who ``actually had a lump of coal in his stocking.'' In a line worthy of W.C. Fields, Buchanan replied: ``Well, he had been a lousy little kid probably.''
Flynn's concern was the damage done to children when they learn their parents have lied.
A few decline to accept the disclosure that the bewhiskered old gent isn't real. I have yet to give in on the point; how could a character who greets you at every turn be deemed nonexistent?
Flynn asserts that ``other things become suspect.'' Lynne characterized the myth as amounting to the ``biggest entitlement program.'' Too much emphasis is placed on getting gifts, Flynn said.
But there is solace for the child in realizing his or her parents are Santa. And the child finds there are myths as powerful as truth, some hurtful, some kind, and Santa is one of the latter.
In time, the child recognizes the truth that it is better, more rewarding, to give than it is to receive.
He or she learns the pleasure of playing Santa, a joy that increases through the years.
And finds the greatest truth, that doing kindnesses for others throughout the year is lasting happiness. by CNB