THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, December 27, 1994 TAG: 9412240048
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: My Family
SOURCE: By DEBRA GORDON, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Medium: 77 lines
THE ASSIGNMENT seemed simple enough: ``Write an essay about how your family celebrates the holidays.''
But reading that on my 7-year-old son's homework sheet, I knew that his essay would be a bit more complicated than most kids in his second-grade class.
Would Jonathan write about Christmas with his dad, when he and his father spend two days driving to Florida to visit his paternal grandparents?
Or would he write about the annual trip to Disney World with my mother and stepfather, who also drive to Florida for Christmas to visit my stepfather's son and who then arrange to meet Jonathan and his dad in Orlando?
Or would he write about the ``New Year's'' Christmas he has at my house with me; his stepfather, Keith; and his brother, Callum, opening gifts under the tree seven days after the official holiday?
Or maybe he would write about the Hanukkah celebration we had in late November, complete with a menorah, potato pancakes and dreidel games?
In many ways, I guess, we are the typical family these days. Divorced parents. Stepparents. Half-siblings. Mixed religions.
But in other ways, we are unique. Because we've managed to carve out an extended - albeit weird - family for Jonathan.
When we divorced five years ago, my ex-husband and I agreed on one thing - we both wanted to see Jonathan as much as possible. And so, from the beginning, we've shared custody.
That means Jonathan has two houses, two rooms, two sets of clothes, two bicycles, two computers. . . . You get the picture.
But it means more than that. It means that, with my remarriage, he has three sets of grandparents. A 2-year-old brother (who terrorizes him). Three parents to attend parent/teacher conferences, soccer games and baseball practices.
And it means he doesn't have to choose between parents. Between two people who love him dearly and who are each equally capable of caring for him.
In my job as a reporter on the newspaper's family team, I hear daily horror stories about divorcing parents fighting over custody. Over child support. Over visitation. Their hate is such a palpable thing, even when they are only calling us on the phone to tell us about it, that it makes me cringe.
My ex and I chose another route. It hasn't necessarily been easy. It's often confusing (is that sweater at my house or at his dad's house? Is it a Mommy weekend or a Daddy weekend? Did his dad already send in the money for the field trip or should I?); it's probably more expensive (two of everything, although neither of us pays any child support); it means his dad and I have to communicate (has he noticed Jonathan's being bratty lately? Would he please talk to him about his fight with his best friend? Could I take Jonathan an extra weekend this month?).
And it isn't always easy on my new husband (who, try as he does, just can't understand the kind of arrangement in which my ex-husband still has dinner once a week with my mother and stepfather) or on my 2-year-old, who's learned, when his brother isn't around, to ask if he's at ``Dave's house.''
But it's been best for Jonathan, who has learned to go between the easy bachelor life at his dad's and the more structured family environment at our house with ease and equanimity.
He knows when they ask for his home phone number at school to list the two he's memorized; to get two lunch menus every month; to make two Christmas cards every year.
When his first-grade teacher asked him to draw his family, he had to go onto the back of the paper to fit us all in (including the dog and cat at his dad's).
And when he had to write an essay on how his family celebrates the holidays, it went something like this:
``At my dad's house, we get in the van and drive down to Florida to visit Mimi and Johnny. We have a tree and lots of presents. Then I get to go to Disney World with Nana and Pop-pop.
``And at my mom's house, we have a tree and lots of presents that we open up later.''
I'd give him an A. by CNB