THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, December 27, 1994 TAG: 9412280608
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY ELIZABETH SIMPSON, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 143 lines
THE HOLIDAY that surfaces in one woman's memory of her alcoholic father doesn't involve liquor at all.
It was not a time when he had had too much to drink. Or a time when her friends came over unexpectedly to ask about ``the man in the bedroom.'' It was not a time of empty liquor bottles.
It was one of those sober moments in the life of an alcoholic's family that should have been happy.
She was 12 years old and it was Christmas morning. The family had bought her father a violin. The burnished wood gleamed in the lights from the tree as the little girl watched for her father's expression.
He cried as he held the violin in his arms and looked helplessly at his family.
Even at age 12, his daughter knew the tears were not pure happiness. ``He didn't feel worthy of it,'' she said. ``Here this man did not feel like he had any self-worth. It made me cry.''
For families of alcoholics, the holidays don't always ring with happiness and peace. They are often filled with expectation that something bad might happen.
The alcoholic might drink too much at a holiday party. Or try to dull the stress of the season with alcohol. Or have a relapse because of the chaotic nature of holidays.
And even if the alcoholic doesn't do so, the worry is there. Along with the sense that life is not what it ought to be. ``There's always the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop,'' said the 45-year-old Virginia Beach woman, who is a member of Al-Anon, a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics.
For many members of this self-help group, the holidays hold a special significance. For some, it's a time to survive as best they can. For others, it's a time to relive the tattered holidays of years past. Some want to reach out to others who might be going through the same thing they once did.
It's not that members of Al-Anon have fully mended their lives, but many believe they have taken steps toward finding peace.
``It's taught me how to live,'' said the 45-year-old woman. ``It's taught me that I am the only one responsible for my happiness.''
Because of the group's policy of anonymity, the names of members are not used in this article.
A lot of the stress of the holidays has to do with expectations, says another Al-Anon member, a 47-year-old woman whose childhood family was engulfed in alcoholism.
As a child, she anticipated holidays like those she read about in books and saw on television. She remembers hearing her father ho, ho, ho-ing after she went to bed on Christmas Eve, trying to make her believe Santa was downstairs filling stockings.
But alcohol always dissolved the visions of sugar plums by the time she woke up the next morning. She ticks off her different holiday memories: The Christmas her father knocked down the tree. The Thanksgiving he threw a bowl of mashed potatoes across the room because she had dropped the silverware. The New Year's Eve her parents got into a fist fight.
``Every holiday was an excuse to get the booze out,'' she said.
When she grew up and moved from the family home, she figured her holidays would get better. Still, she found herself dissatisfied. A single broken Christmas bulb was enough to ruin the holiday. ``If everything wasn't perfect, it became a disaster,'' she said.
Soon the feeling lingered all year long, not just during the holidays. ``It was a death of the spirit,'' she said. ``I may as well have been in the grave.''
Ten years ago, she joined Al-Anon at the suggestion of a therapist. At first she hated it. She was a loner and didn't like the idea of talking about her problems with other people. But gradually she realized the group was helping her. By letting her hear their stories. By listening to hers. By supporting her.
She gradually learned that everything didn't have to be perfect. That she didn't need to have control over everything. And that every holiday didn't have to be a public display of perfection.
That doesn't mean she doesn't still struggle with maintaining those ideas. She still attends Al-Anon meetings and expects she always will. ``If people want help, it's available, she said. ``Things don't have to be the way they are. They can change.''
Change can come slow. One member remembers feeling peace that came only one hour at a time. That was the time she spent sitting in an Al-Anon meeting.
A friend talked her into going and she went just to please him. Soon she began going for herself. ``It was the one hour I didn't feel like I needed to fix something,'' the 54-year-old woman said. ``I liked being somewhere where people knew what I was going through and didn't try to fix it.''
The woman went from marrying and divorcing one alcoholic to marrying and divorcing a second.
The holiday that stands out in her mind was the Christmas Eve her husband packed all his belongings and left her while she was at midnight services.
After that, she spent years dealing not just with her own sense of rejection and inability to help her husband but also with their 15-year-old son's feelings of abandonment.
But the Al-Anon meetings, which she had started attending the same year, helped her get through all of that. ``I needed the peace and serenity that other people there had,'' she said.
She went from the one hour of peace during meetings to taking that sense of peace home for a while. And then extending it for longer and longer periods.
``But it's something I have to continually work on,'' she said. ``It's not like something you achieve and then you're finished.'' ILLUSTRATION: JOHN EARLE/Staff
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The following questions are designed to help people decide
whether they could benefit from joining an Al-Anon group.
1. Do you worry about how much someone else drinks?
2. Do you have money problems because of someone else's
drinking?
3. Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else's drinking?
4. Do you feel that if the drinker loved you, he or she would
stop drinking to please you?
5. Do you blame the drinker's behavior on his or her companions?
6. Are plans frequently upset or canceled or meals delayed
because of the drinker?
7. Do you make threats such as: ``If you don't stop drinking,
I'll leave you?''
8. Do you secretly try to smell the drinker's breath?
9. Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a
drinking bout?
10. Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker's behavior?
11. Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?
12. Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of
abuse?
13. Do you search for hidden alcohol?
14. Do you often ride in a car with a driver who has been
drinking?
15. Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?
16. Do you sometimes feel like a failure when you think of the
lengths you have gone to control the drinker?
17. Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other
problems would be solved?
18. Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?
19. Do you feel angry, confused or depressed most of the time?
20. Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?
If you answer yes to three or more of these questions, Al-Anon or
Alateen may be able to help you.
For more information about Al-Anon, call 499-1443.
by CNB