THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Monday, January 2, 1995 TAG: 9412310040
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: Medium: 74 lines
No. 1. IMPROVE your memory.
That's been up near the top of my New Year's resolutions for as long as I can remember.
Well, actually it may not have been No. 1, possibly No. 2, or 3. I forget.
No matter. For several years I placed a handwritten resolution list in my desk. I believe it was the desk, though on second thought, maybe it was in the top drawer of a bureau or the filing cabinet.
Anyway, I'd be unable to find it for several months. Then, on a rainy day, while reaching into my raincoat pocket and discovering the dog's leash, which had mysteriously disappeared several days earlier, it would pop out as I pulled on the leash.
Finding that paper filled me with self-loathing.
List in one hand and leash in the other, I'd curse myself loudly for losing the list in particular and having poor memory in particular.
It is amazing how protective the poorest of minds actually is. The brains of some people - and mine is one - will go to great lengths to cover defects.
Mine began to say: ``Actually, you are not a dunce with a wretched memory. It's quite likely that you are simply absentminded. There is a great difference between being absentminded and having a poor memory. So don't be so hard on yourself.''
That was an interesting theory - one that overloaded my circuits, just thinking about it, so that I forgot to tie the raincoat belt. The question was whether absentmindedness was truly different from forgetting. Or was absentmindedness simply poor memory dressed in a fake beard and a false nose so no one could recognize it? It took 30 minutes to drive to the newspaper building. When I arrived at work the guard at the side door said: ``Excuse me, Mr. Maddry, did you know that you have a dog's leash tied around your waist?''
Well, after all, professors - who are certainly productive members of society - are supposed to be absentminded. Einstein, you recall, is said to have wandered around Princeton - or was it Harvard? - in his carpet slippers.
I have wandered outside the house in my carpet slippers but am reasonably confident I'd have lied about it when someone took notice. Something like: ``Of course, I know they are carpet slippers. My foot doctor suggested that I try them because of the bunions.''
It's true, people with poor memories or terminal absentmindedness become compulsive liars over time. To do otherwise is to lose the trust of everyone you know.
``Of course I haven't forgotten that we had an appointment for noon on Wednesday. . . . Didn't you get the note I sent you suggesting Friday instead?'' is the way it's done.
But eventually people catch on. Which probably explains the sweat shirt I got from a golfing buddy this Christmas that had the following printed on the front: OVER THE HILL? What hill? I don't remember any hill!''
Lately, I have been taking comfort in the notion that while my memory is getting worse, my forgetting is getting better! Maybe you have a great forgetter, too. As in the following poem:
Lose a letter? Misplace a fax?
Not to worry . . . just relax
Your forgetter's getting better.
Can't recall your sister's name?
Know the score but not the game?
Don't be a downcast or a fretter.
Your forgetter's getting better.
Memory's greatly over-rated,
By the under-educated,
Every day in every way,
No matter what the others say,
Your forgetter's A-OK! by CNB