THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, January 13, 1995 TAG: 9501110039
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: LISTEN UP!
LENGTH: Medium: 53 lines
DEAR SMITHA AND JONATHAN,
My grandfather who lives with us is very racist. I am white and have many black friends. He makes comments about them, sometimes even in front of them. I hate it when he does this, and I never know what to say to my friends afterward. How can I make him stop or at least be quieter? - Uncomfortable
Dear Uncomfortable,
This is extremely difficult because while your grandfather's behavior seems incredibly wrong to us, it may not seem wrong to him. In fact, during the time he was growing up and among the people he knew, being racist may have been acceptable or even the norm. The sad truth is, you may not be able to teach an old man new ideas.
Both you and your friends deserve a certain amount of respect. So the first thing you could do is tell your grandfather it's unacceptable to say these things in front of you or your friends. The key thing here is the way you tell him. Try to appeal to his sense of decency and sympathy rather than openly accuse, which might put him on the defensive.
Explain the feelings that his statements invoke in you (anger, embarrassment), and in your friends (pain, resentment). Finally tell him that you love him and know that he isn't trying to be rude - (might as well give him the benefit of the doubt).
If he seems to be receptive, tell him you would like to have your friends over more often so that he could get to know them better. Often someone is racist because they don't know or understand the person behind the color or race. Also, sometimes people make broad generalizations from specific bad instances. The more he knows your friends, the less likely he will feel the necessity to pass superficial and hurtful remarks. This is a long shot - even if it doesn't cure him of his racism at least he will learn to be more tactful or tolerant.
Even if he is not willing to change, maybe he will decide to clam up. Also, try talking to your parents and see if you can get them to talk with him. Finally, warn your friends before they come over and let them decide whether they still want to come over or hang out elsewhere. Then if your grandfather does say something, they won't be caught off guard. Explain to your friends that you do not share your grandfather's views and tell them that you are doing everything you can to change his behavior. Good Luck! MEMO: Smitha Gottimukkala is a senior at Norfolk Academy. Jonathan Kolm is a
senior at Tallwood High. Their column appears biweekly in Teenology.
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