THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, January 15, 1995 TAG: 9501160181
SECTION: FRONT PAGE: A1 EDITION: FINAL
SERIES: THE SUBJECT IS SEX
SOURCE: BY ESTHER DISKIN, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 205 lines
Erotic, explicit messages zap into our lives from every direction: Talk shows exploit bedroom habits, radio songs pulse with sensual urgency, beautiful women sell asexual products with sexual intrigue.
Sex is everywhere, but the truth about sex can't be found in our public patter. The taboo remains. We may know about sex from our life experiences, but we aren't talking honestly about it, at home or in public places.
We don't have the words to begin.
``We have categorized it as something a little bit dirty. And you can't talk about a-little-bit-dirty things in certain social situations,'' said Bill Brobst, 65, of Kitty Hawk. ``A lot of it comes from the religious aspect, some is from social customs . . . It's difficult to have open discussions about sex with kids, with friends, even in this room.''
The Virginian-Pilot and The Ledger-Star, in conjunction with WHRV radio, brought together a group of 40 people for a series of roundtable conversations about sex and society. The participants, ages 17 to 65, met in separate peer groups - men, women, homosexuals and teenagers - and then gathered together for a final forum.
The participants didn't reflect the demographics of South Hampton Roads, but they came to the table with a mix of sexual experience and opinions.
All agreed on one thing: Sex is everywhere, but it's tough to talk about.
What is the price of silence?
Inertia. If we don't talk honestly about where we are, we can't get moving to make things better.
Meanwhile, the toll mounts:
Teenagers are having sex at an increasingly young age.
About half the teenagers of various racial and ethnic groups begin having intercourse with partners who are between the ages of 15 and 18, according to a landmark sex survey released this fall by a team of researchers at the University of Chicago.
It is the first major study of American sexual habits and attitudes since the Kinsey reports of the late 1940s and early 1950s.
What it revealed: At least four out of five teenagers have had intercourse, men earlier than women, blacks earlier than whites.
Sexually transmitted diseases, from gonorrhea to the incurable AIDS, move through our community.
In the first nine months of 1994, the region that includes Hampton Roads had the most AIDS cases in the state - edging out the northern Virginia region for the first time.
Yet many people don't use one of the simplest methods to help prevent infection. Of respondents to the national survey who had at least three partners in a year, only 20 percent said they always use a condom with their main partner.
Teenage pregnancy takes a toll.
South Hampton Roads and Western Tidewater rank first in the state in total numbers of teen pregnancies. In this region, more than one in 10 girls between the ages of 15 and 19 becomes pregnant every year.
Yet, the question of how to teach teens about sex increasingly polarizes parents. This year, Gov. George Allen wants to eliminate the state mandate for family life education - the state's version of sex and relationship teaching - and make it a local option, requiring parental permission for children to participate.
The rules of sexual engagement have changed.
Forced sex once meant mainly rape by a stranger, but now it encompasses a range of unwanted sexual approaches by husbands, lovers and acquaintances.
In the survey, 22 percent of women said they had been forced to do something sexual - nearly always by a man. Yet only 3 percent of men reported that they had ever forced a woman into a sexual act.
Researchers said the discrepancy vividly demonstrates miscommunication between the sexes. ``We take the position that both sides are telling the truth, but telling what they understand to be the truth,'' said Edward O. Laumann, one of the survey's authors.
Violent, forced sex is a reality in our community. In 1993, South Hampton Roads had 539 reported cases of rape, according to state officials. Across Virginia, 2,084 rapes were reported in 1993, the most recent year in which statistics are available.
The lack of honest talk fuels ignorance about sex, people in the local discussions agreed. When ignorance combines with curiosity, it creates a sexual climate that leaves men and women alienated.
What we see on TV and in the romance novels is nothing more than ``illusion and facade,'' said Virginia Beach resident Jim Sullivan, 50. ``It confuses you and me about our own sexuality.''
Reality is something different altogether, said 55-year-old Gary Hansee, of Norfolk. ``You know the light goes out at night and there's just the two of you and there's no illusion. This is where the rubber meets the road.''
In the darkness, there is sometimes fear.
``What happens when you have a society that's very suppressed and repressed, you get a lot of rape and incest and hard core, negative pornography,'' said 31-year-old Hope Damon, a Virginia Beach therapist.
Barriers stand in the way of talking about sex.
People in all the discussion groups shared a desire for more honest dialogue about sex, but they parted company on the question of where it should be done, who should teach it and what values or moral lessons should be brought to bear.
The language to start a conversation doesn't seem to exist.
When teens get talking about sex, their slang makes many grown-ups cringe: Trick. The Texas Shuffle. Dusting your knees off. Slopping knobs.
But teenagers' terms reflect - at least in part - the style they absorbed as youngsters. Many parents send out signals that sex isn't something that can be discussed directly. They invent playful nicknames for children's sexual organs and brush off questions.
By the time kids reach puberty and start struggling with their own sexuality, they've already got the message: Don't ask, because parents won't tell.
``Who do they talk to? They've already gotten the message that this isn't right to talk about,'' said Sherry Norfleet, director of education for Planned Parenthood of Southeastern Virginia. ``Parents tend not to acknowledge how soon they have to start talking.''
But teenagers aren't just talking about it. They're doing it.
And if parents aren't the place to go for a frank discussion about sex, the information may come from another powerful presence in most American homes: the television set.
Those TV fantasies exert a powerful influence on behavior. Television wraps sex in money and glamour, so when teenagers plunk down their cash for the biggest date of the year - the prom - sex is expected to be part of the night's fun.
``The prom is the big prostitution,'' said Kelly Cramer, 17. ``It's all prom night. Guy takes you out to dinner, guy springs for tickets, you buy the dress, the hotel room. You do the whole thing and sex is expected.''
For guys, the judging starts immediately.
``You got friends on the street . . . and they're going to (say), `Man, you get some?' '' said Rudy Howard, 19.
Girls get on the phone with their best friends, for a far different conversation. ``It's like, `You didn't sleep with him, did you?' '' said Cramer. ``And that's a stigmatism. Girls can't have sex but guys can.''
Women in the group generally agreed that they are changing the rules for sexual conduct. They worried that they aren't explaining enough to men about those changes, and that could lead to danger.
``I don't think women are stronger now or in control at all, not from what I see,'' said Patty Haubrich, who has a 10-year relationship with her boyfriend. ``I don't think women take responsibility for their actions. They want to blame everybody. In a lot of ways, I feel sorry for a lot of the young men coming up now because they feel totally flummoxed.''
Mark Bold - a single 26-year-old who has had more one-night stands than he can count - considers himself among the confused. He says women have gone overboard in their drive for independence, and must take some of the blame for the rise in sexual violence.
``We talk about the role we've had in the last 10 years, and it's changed so much. I think it has made society a lot worse,'' he said. ``Especially with the head games you play, using sex as a power tool.''
Homosexuals also viewed sex as a tool of power - wielded over them by the heterosexual majority.
Society's overwhelming message is that homosexual sex is a sign of moral depravation, but nearly all of those in discussion groups felt their sexual orientation is rooted in genetics.
But the message of sin fuels legislation against them.
They can't legally get married in many states, so longtime partners aren't entitled to health and other spousal benefits. They face unusual hurdles to adopt children or serve as foster parents. In the military, openness can lead to dismissal.
These laws and the powerful influence of public opinion force them into secrecy and silence, they said.
``I think it's the indignity of just passing in the hallway and hearing, `faggot,' `dyke' and you have to shut up,'' said Lorraine Falletta of Virginia Beach.
Secrecy damages people of all sexual habits, said Jim Ballou, a Norfolk bartender who married and fathered a child before he could accept his attraction to men.
``You get a lot of parents out there today who don't know the answers to give their children and so they don't talk about it,'' Ballou said. ``Today, I think that the biggest thing in my growing up was that my mother never had the answers. She did not know what to tell me. So she ignored it. If you didn't discuss it, it didn't take place.'' ILLUSTRATION: Graphics
JANET SHAUGHNESSY/Staff
QUIZ
SOURCEL ``Sex in America''
[For complete graphic, please see microfilm]
AIDS AND HIV
SOURCE: Virginia Dept. of Health, Bureau of STD/AIDS
TEEN PREGNANCIES
SOURCE: Virginia Dept. of Health
[For complete graphics, please see microfilm]
ON THE AIR
Radio station WHRV, 89.5-FM, will air a weeklong series on sexual
issues in America on National Public Radio's ``Morning Edition,''
``All Things Considered'' and ``Talk of the Nation.'' WHRV will also
air an hourlong forum with South Hampton Roads citizens at 1 p.m.
Wednesday.
The NPR schedule includes:
Monday: The differences in sexual behavior of men and women.
Tuesday: The commitment to marriage: It's weaker than ever.
Wednesday: The politics of courtship: throwing out all the
rules.
Thursday: The rise of ``heart balm'' lawsuits are growing.
Friday: Dealing with sex in the workplace.
Saturday: The consequences of living in a sex-saturated society.
Sunday: How religions regard relations between men and women.
KEYWORDS: SEXUALITY by CNB