THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, January 22, 1995 TAG: 9501240469
SECTION: HAMPTON ROADS WOMAN PAGE: 02 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: YOUR TURN
SOURCE: BY ROWENA PASCUAL, SPECIAL TO HRW
LENGTH: Medium: 96 lines
THEY'VE STARTED again. Those darned commercials for the wedding preview shows that feature a happy young woman in her fancy lace wedding dress and a tiara sitting primly on her head. The ones that seem to end with the close-ups of the bride and groom's hands cutting the cake.
I know I shouldn't give a damn, but I'm disgusted. The commercials remind me of three weddings I attended last summer.
I think it's great that my friends have found the people they're going to spend the rest of their lives with. (Or until they figure out that household chores can't be split equally.)
What bothers me is the question that every single person - especially women - gets asked at every wedding: ``WHY AREN'T YOU MARRIED?'' I always want to reply, ``I'm perfectly happy as a single woman, thank you very much!'' But I don't because, I fear, no one would understand. The conventional thought is that a woman can't be truly happy unless she's dating or married.
So I reply, ``Because I haven't found that Certain Someone.'' That, they seem to understand.
American culture still tends to belittle single women, no matter what Glamour or Elle magazines say. What topic do they endlessly drum out to us women? You gotta find a man! ``How to look great, so he won't look at Claudia Schiffer and on and on.
There aren't too many articles on how to be happy by yourself. Sure, they tell you how to pamper yourself with facials, manicures and that pint of Haagen-Dazs. But nothing really meaningful.
Say you prefer being single. Then the world assumes you're a lesbian. Hell, even my mother asked me if I was a lesbian because I'm sympathetic to gays and lesbians and how they've been mistreated by our puritanical society.
And don't say - at least not too loudly - that as a single woman you enjoy sex. We're supposed to be vestal virgins until that blissful, wedding night or until we die, whichever comes first. True birth control to many means abstaining from intercourse, despite the fact that millions of young women ``lose'' their virginity before learning how to drive.
Young men are another story. They're allowed to indulge their carnal appetites without societal complaints. ``Boys will be boys,'' it's said, but ``Good girls don't.'' There are still many hypocritical men who view women through the ``virgin/whore'' mentality while intent on bedding as many willing females as possible.
But I digress. I was saying that single women shouldn't feel guilty for being unattached.
As a single mother, I constantly have to tell myself that I am not abnormal, despite what my relatives imply. I have a friend who plans to be married on Mother's Day. I know that when she marches down the aisle, the question of my marital status will inevitably be asked. My relatives will silently try to make me feel guilty for raising my daughter without the help of a husband. They will wonder if there might be something wrong with me because I have not found that Significant Other.
Maybe the saying ``There's someone for everyone'' does not apply to me or my female relatives like my aunt in the Philippines. She lives the life of an ``old maid.'' She has worked and traveled and now, retired, resides in her homeland. I have another aunt in California, who has never married but enjoys a career as a nurse. If they can survive without marriage, why can't I?
I have friends who go through the maddening search for the Significant Other, only to face disappointment and dashed hopes. If there is someone for everyone, how can romantics explain pages of personal ads that flood newspapers across the country?
The answer lies in the fact that society is more comfortable with people as pairs. We have been socialized to believe that marriage is something that results from two people becoming so attracted to each other that they can't help but start picking out china patterns and arguing over the bath mat colors.
This ``couples'' mentality goes beyond bath mats and shared bedrooms. It's a whole cycle of pressures and expectations.
After the wedding, the parents-in-law and other relatives immediately chime in with, ``So when are you having children?'' Should the couple have a girl, the next question is, ``Are you going to try for a boy?'' as if gender determination meant pressing a few buttons during foreplay that would give the right result.
God forbid newlyweds reveal that they don't want kids. Then relatives really get hostile.
Why can't we women be happy being by ourselves if that's what we want? Is that a crime? Or is that breaking a ``maternal'' law for marriage and childbearing if we choose to be single? For centuries, men have been allowed to live as bachelors and focus on their careers with little or no repercussion. Why not women?
As a single woman, I'm happy to pursue my career and provide for my daughter without relying on a man. So I'm content to curl up with a nice book or watch some television without those annoying wedding commercials.
- ILLUSTRATION: Photo
Rowena Pascual, a single mother with a young daughter, recently
graduated from Old Dominion University.
by CNB