THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, February 3, 1995 TAG: 9502030858
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY MICHELLE MIZAL, CAMPUS CORRESPONDENT
LENGTH: Long : 174 lines
RAJU SAND AND ANJALI Jain met only twice before they decided to marry.
There was no movie. No ice cream. No good night kiss on the porch. Just Raju, Anjali . . . and their parents who set the whole thing up.
When their families decide on a date, the two will marry in Bombay, India, in a traditional three-day, Hindu ceremony.
Arranged marriages are a centuries-old custom that Indian-American teens here and around the country are bowing to, in different degrees.
``My parents will try to find someone who is compatible with me,'' said Swati Kakria, 17, a senior at Tallwood High in Virginia Beach. ``With their knowledge and experience, I trust them to find someone who is right for me.''
Indian parents introduce prospective mates to their children usually when the children are in their 20s. Parents try to match personalities, religion, education, goals and economic status said Reiko M. Schwab, an associate professor at Old Dominion University.
Shane Anthony, 15, an Indian-American student at Stuyvesant High School in New York City, has his own ideas about the ideal mate. He wants honesty, intelligence, warmth and friendliness.
But Anthony said his parents, who are from India, are looking for a girl who has money and comes from a good family.
And because the rules are not so stringent today, he will be able to say ``yes'' or ``no'' to his parents' choice.
Arranged marriages are commonplace in Asian and African countries, and the custom has been practiced in India for centuries. But over the years, the definition of an arranged marriage has changed.
The time when a young girl and boy are betrothed for the sake of material gain now seems unscrupulous, especially in the Indian-American society.
Today, parents act as ``matchmakers'' who introduce prospective mates. More than 70 years ago, a girl and a boy would never meet before they got married, said Ram C. Dahiya, a native of India and a professor at Old Dominion University.
Marrying within one's ``caste,'' or social class, used to be common among Hindus in India's formerly segregated society.
At the top are the ``Brahmans,'' or the teachers and philosophers. Next is the ``soldier caste'' of administrators and soldiers. Next is the ``merchant caste'' of business people. The ``Sudra'' is the lowest of the castes.
Devi Mitra, a professor at Southwest Virginia Community College, said the caste system is no longer a hard and fast rule. Instead, it's up to the individual to choose the type of mate.
The caste tradition is rooted in the agricultural society of India, said Murray Milner Jr., a sociology professor at the University of Virginia and author of ``Status and Sacredness.'' Now, since fewer Indians work in agriculture - they find city jobs or move to America - it is impossible to know everyone's caste.
Without the caste system, modernized Indians and Indian-Americans look for other criteria. Marriage mates can be found through family, friends or through advertisements in Indian newspapers.
For example, India Abroad, a weekly Indian newspaper published in New York City, contains advertisements from those seeking a specific marriage partner. A recent edition contained this ad:
Hindu parents seek Medical Doctors, Ph.D, Engineers; for beautiful, tall, slim, qualified employed daughter; sincere, cultured, mid-thirties.
Raju and Anjali took a different path.
``I was introduced to Raju through some relatives,'' said Anjali, 27, who was visiting her cousins in Virginia Beach. ``If I had said no, it wouldn't have been, but I liked him and he liked me and it was settled.''
The two families came together twice at Anjali's house in Bombay. She and Raju were left alone to get to know each other and decide whether to marry.
``We couldn't waste time,'' Anjali said. ``We had to decide quickly. I had one or two days to think about it. If I was undecided, then we would meet again.''
Anjali's ``elders,'' or parents, matched up family background, religion and even eating habits. She and Raju are vegetarians.
Sheila Padiyar, a native of India who lives in Virginia Beach, said she was also introduced to her husband by family and friends. ``My parents said, `Look, we are not going to force you to marry this guy. All we want for you to do is to talk, but you know why we want you to meet this guy,' '' said Padiyar, who has been married for 24 years.
She and her husband made the decision to marry. There was ``no pressure,'' she said.
Although Padiyar agrees with the Indian custom, she will not force it on her children here in America. She has a daughter, Geeta, who is 17 and a senior at Kempsville High School, and a son, Krishna, who is 22 and in his second year at the Medical College of Virginia in Richmond.
``I have to accept it (if they married someone other than Indian). If they married someone, I pray that the person has a good education and treats my daughter or son properly,'' Padiyar said.
Ram Dahiya of Virginia Beach, who is a father of three, wants his children to meet their marriage partners through him or through friends. The meeting does not have to be love at first sight, he said, nor must they date for a long period of time. He definitely wants his children to know their prospective in-laws.
He also said the marriage mate does not have to be an Indian, but he prays for one because the backgrounds would be a better match.
To most teenagers, a marriage arranged by Mom and Dad would be a death sentence. But older Indian-Americans consider it a guarantee of emotional and even material prosperity.
Purusottam Patel, a Newport News father of three, said Indian parents are looking for ``equality in a marriage.''
``The parents of both families know each other. They know the level of intellect of the family, the financial level and the spiritual level. When children marry on those same levels, then their lives become very easy and very happy,'' Patel said.
Dahiya, whose marriage was arranged 25 years ago, said he feels good about arranged marriages because ``they work 99 percent of the time while love marriages work 50 percent of the time.''
Chandra Dahiya, who has been married to Ram for 25 years, admits they didn't know each other fully until after their marriage ceremony.
``You start caring for each other,'' she said. ``There's a lot of friendship and love. You look forward to the future and to making a family.''
Chandra believes that in the American culture, couples are on their best behavior when they are dating. In arranged marriages, families come together and backgrounds are matched, resulting in a more secure marriage.
Indian-American young adults have mixed feelings when it comes to their parents doing the scoping.
Anjali Dahiya, 21, a senior at Princeton University who is from Virginia Beach, is against the concept of arranged marriage.
``I definitely plan and hope to meet someone on my own. I prefer an Indian, but it definitely doesn't have to be,'' she said.
The molecular biology major said she would feel awkward if her parents found someone for her.
``Even if they found someone that I really like,'' she said, ``all the time it would be in the back of my head that they chose him and I didn't.''
Purnima Chopra, 17, a student at New York City's Brooklyn Tech High School, says her parents want to arrange marriages for her and her sisters.
Right now, her parents are on her ``sister's back because she's the oldest,'' Purnima said. They have put an ad in a newspaper and have selected a few guys, but her sister, who is 21, has rejected all the choices.
As for herself, Purnima is emphatic: ``I want my parents to like him, not pick him.''
But for Anjali Jain, the old ways have worked.
`` `He's good looking!' was my first reaction when I saw him (Raju),'' she said. She also likes Raju because he's ``self-reliant and ambitious.''
``Do you love him now?'' she was asked.
``Yes,'' she said as the color rushed to her cheeks. MEMO: Michelle Mizal is a student at Tidewater Community College. Anita
Chikkatur of the Youth News Service contributed to this report. ILLUSTRATION: Color photos
MARTIN SMITH-RODDEN/Staff
In a traditional Hindu wedding, there is an explosion of color.
Tallwood High's Swati Kakria trusts her parents to find her the
right mate.
Graphic
INDIAN WEDDING BELLS
On the first day of the Bombay wedding, Raju Sand will ride a
mare to Anjali Jain's house leading a procession of his family,
relatives and a small musical band. The two will hang a garland of
roses and lilies around each others' necks. The ceremony will be
held later that day at the house.
In a Hindu wedding, there is an explosion of color, as women come
draped in red, green, blue, pink and gold cloths of 6 yards of
material called ``saris.'' The men come in their best suits.
The women adorn their hands and feet with laced patterns of
``mehndi,'' the Indian word for ``henna paste,'' for good luck.
The bride is stunning in a red sari and an array of gold jewelry.
The groom wears a long, white, open button coat called a
``sherwani'' to go with his pants.
A small fire burns in a pan before them while the priest or
``pundit'' recites the ``mantras'' (seven vows) and throws rice into
the fire.
The groom makes a ``sindoor'' on the bride by drawing a red line
in the part of her hair with some red powder. Next, the couple walks
around the fire seven times. Each circle seals a vow. The two are
married. On the third day, the reception is held.
by CNB