THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Thursday, February 9, 1995 TAG: 9502080203
SECTION: SUFFOLK SUN PAGE: 16 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY FRANK ROBERTS, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Medium: 84 lines
``What you leave at your death, let it be without controversy, else the lawyers will be your heirs.''
- Sir Thomas Browne, in a tome on legal and insurance information
We only die once, and for such a long time.''
- Moliere
Before you leave this Earth, some things have to be settled.
For instance, who should be your pallbearers? What kind of music do you want at your funeral service? What brand of beer should be served afterward?
Those are just a few of the 100 decisions that should be made - decisions that will ease the burden on family and friends. A do-it-yourself, before-you-die book, aptly titled ``Last Decisions,'' had been written by Lucinda and Dr. Michael Knox, Suffolkians from 1978 to 1986.
Their sons, John and James, were born in Suffolk where she was a social worker at the Finney Avenue Residence, a home for mentally retarded adults, and he was director of the Western Tidewater Mental Health Center.
He still has a local tie - retaining membership in the Nansemond River Power Squadron.
``I pay my dues and keep in contact with them. I visit every two or three years,'' Knox said during a phone interview from Tampa where he lives and wears three distinguished hats.
He is professor of medicine, Department of Internal Medicine, University of South Florida; chairman of the Department of Community Mental Health for the city; and director of a federally funded program conducted by the University of South Florida Center for HIV Education.
``There are lots of aging/retired people in Florida, and I speak with a lot of them,'' Knox said. ``I never met anyone who planned all the details of their funeral.''
That gave him the idea for ``Last Wishes,'' a comprehensive manual that takes the guesswork out of funeral and burial details. It covers the issues surrounding both and, while doing so, encourages creativity.
The reader will find out how to write his own obituary and eulogy, design his own tombstone, choose music and poetry for the service, and even select the food and beverages to be served.
``That includes your choice of wine or brands of beer,'' Knox said. ``We approach this with a good amount of humor.
``I think attitudes about death are going to be like attitudes about sex. Twenty years ago, no one felt comfortable talking about sex,'' he said. ``Now, there are open discussions. We'll start being more comfortable with the topic of death. Humor is one way to make it more comfortable.
``But,'' Knox emphasizes, ``this is not a humorous book. We just want people to make decisions before it becomes a crisis.
``The kind of stories we hear most often,'' he said, ``are about distribution of small personal property - the kind of stuff that doesn't show up in a will, but the kind that generates resentment that can last for generations.
``We have a place in the book for people to list those items and who they want to give them to,'' Knox said. ``There's even a place to leave messages to loved ones.''
Inside the book, which was published in May, is an envelope ``so people can seal things to be opened after death,'' he said.
``Relatives and friends are on their own. They have to make sudden decisions at a time when they're already under emotional distress,'' Knox said. ``Anyone who completes a will should take the next step and make all the decisions. Friends and organizations need to be notified about the death, and it's hard for family members to figure out who needs to know.''
What about the author?
Knox, 48, has decided what he wants on his tombstone: ``Here lies one who waited too long to have fun.''
His funeral sounds like fun: A closed coffin and several kegs of beer.
``I don't want anyone to talk about me,'' Knox said, ``unless they're under the influence.'' ILLUSTRATION: ``LAST WISHES'' by Dr. Michael Knox and his wife, Lucinda, is
available at most major bookstores. Or call 1-800-356-9315. Cost is
$14.95, including shipping and handling.
KEYWORDS: FUNERAL PLANNING by CNB