THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, February 12, 1995 TAG: 9502100208
SECTION: VIRGINIA BEACH BEACON PAGE: 08 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: On the Street
SOURCE: Bill Reed
LENGTH: Medium: 68 lines
So you want to hold public office? You want to make a difference, do your civic duty, bow to the wishes of your followers, change the world, fight City Hall. Right?
Well, there are some major obstacles you must face before you can fulfill those altruistic urges.
First is money. There is one basic rule in politics: get as much money as you can.
Put the arm on friends, relatives, acquaintances, nodding acquaintances, would-be philanthropists or well-wishers. Squeeze as much out of them as possible.
You'll need every penny to pay for cocktail parties for big-spending contributors. You'll need it for advertising, renting vans and banquet halls, buying bumper stickers, campaign literature, consultants, publicists, polls, buying votes.
Without the big bucks, don't even bother stepping to the plate.
In the immortal words of somebody who probably was a wise guy New York barkeep: ``Money talks, bull (bleep) walks.''
Second is the ability to communicate. That barkeep didn't know what he was talking about. Bull (bleep) is a commodity much in demand by political candidates. They must have it in great abundance. Truck loads, in fact. It is almost as valuable as money.
Woe be unto him or her who is not glib on the stump, quick with the lip, deft with the double-talk.
You must lard your public utterances with words like: tax cuts, bloated government, level playing field, criminal element, welfare cheaters, legislative oversight, politics as usual, liberal power elite, pork barrel policies, bottom line, family values, moral decay, politically correct social engineering. Don't leave home with out 'em.
The first time you appear before a civic or church group during a campaign and some old grouch asks you a loaded question, (like: ``Is it true that you were once convicted of impersonating a female at a convention of television evangelists?'') you can step to the dais and take immediate control of the situation. Without batting an eye, you fix the jerk with a level gaze and declare:
``I can say without equivocation that it was not I, but my evil twin Broderick, who shamed himself and his family in this manner.
``Furthermore, such scurrilous accusations continue to be bandied about in public by the liberal media elite, which obviously is in cahoots with my unscrupulous opponent, Manchester B. Snodgrass.''
Since the listeners are attending a civic or church meeting and not reading this in print, they probably won't realize that you have just tap-danced your way out of trouble.
Third is political identity. You gotta have a persona, an image. Run as a conservative or a liberal, whichever is in vogue at the time you are seeking office. Nevermind being a Republican or Democrat. That kind of affiliation is irrelevant. In Virginia, they're the same thing anyway.
If you're a conservative, be a two-fisted, hairy-chested one. Be pugnacious. Be like Newt. Rise at every opportunity and rail against liberals who want to tax-and-spend the country into oblivion and welfare moms, teen pregnancy, abortion, crime and gun control, homosexuals in the military.
Yell that teen crime is rampant because scum-sucking liberals keep the children of hard-working folk from praying in school.
If you're a liberal, don't even bother opening your mouth. At this point, the average Joe and Jane don't want to hear what you have to say. by CNB