THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, March 3, 1995 TAG: 9503020171
SECTION: VIRGINIA BEACH BEACON PAGE: 16 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY PAM STARR, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 140 lines
They met in a coffee shop a month ago but Phyllis Daniels and Wray Tatman are already engaged and planning to get married by June.
Both 63 and widowed, the couple figured there was no point in waiting.
``We feel comfortable with each other,'' said Daniels, a widow for 14 years and mother of a grown daughter. ``We have a lot of the same interests. We both like to fish and garden.''
Besides that, ``it ain't no fun being alone,'' added Tatman, a retired Navy chief petty officer whose wife of 32 years died last October.
Tatman and Daniels are looking forward to being part of a couple again, but they have a lot of hard decisions to make. That's why they attended the Senior Issues ``Remarriage'' discussion at Kempsville Library last week, sponsored by the Kempsville AARP Chapter.
Getting married again, after divorce or death of a spouse, is not nearly as easy as it was the first time, but it certainly is popular. According to the Census Bureau 80 percent of those who divorce remarry, and the rate of divorce among older adults has increased three times as fast as the rate of growth of the elderly population. In America, about 10 million households are being run by remarried couples.
And with those unions comes baggage. Presenter Margaret Morton talked about some reality checks that prospective partners need to make before saying ``I do'' and threw out some tough questions to the audience. She and Gordon Morton met and married nearly 10 years ago, after their first spouses died, and help run the Widowed Persons Service.
``First of all, have you worked through the grief process?'' she asked the dozen attendees. The stages of grief are denial, anger at spouse, bitterness, guilt, hate, betrayment and acceptance. ``The process is the same whether you're widowed or divorced. Widowed or divorced men tend to marry too soon - they can't stand to be alone.''
It takes some people as long as five or six years to accept a divorce or a spouse's death. A few people never get over their loss. Margaret Morton said she married Gordon two years after her first husband died.
``Then you need to ask yourself why you want to remarry,'' she continued. ``Is it loneliness? Sex? Financial security? You hate looking at the empty chair in the family room?''
Morton cautioned the audience about jumping into remarriage too soon for the wrong reasons, like sex. The threat of AIDS has hit the mid-life and older age group more than one would presume, she said.
``When we were first married, there were no dreaded diseases like AIDS around,'' said Morton.
``You may miss your spouse but sex is not a good reason to remarry.''
A large number of second marriages involve an older man and a younger woman - those May-December romances. Once the novelty has faded, however, the younger woman may find she has nothing in common with her older husband.
``They have differences in socializing, friends, music taste,'' said Morton. ``One woman in our group said that all she and her older husband do is sit around and talk about heart medication.
``Many times older men retire and expect their new wives to retire with them,'' she added. ``Don't do it! Let him find a part-time job or volunteer.''
One of the biggest problems facing prospective partners is deciding whose house to sell. It can be a horror story, especially if you have children who think that the house ``belongs'' to them. Morton said it was difficult for her to move into Gordon's townhouse when they married.
``For three months I thought I was living in a hotel - I had none of my things in there,'' she said. ``When we bought a house we put our furniture together in it and it worked out great.
``But we know some men who have been remarried for years who still have their first wives' clothing in the closets.''
Combining finances is another potential disaster. Partners may be bringing stocks, bonds, savings accounts, insurance, mortgages and other resources to the union without a clue as to whether to merge them or keep them in separate estates. Morton, who used to work in a law firm, strongly suggested that people draw up a prenuptial agreement and have their insurance policies reevaluated before remarriage.
``You need a prenuptial - don't kid yourself,'' she said. ``Pick an attorney who specializes in them. In a prenuptial you put in anything you want. My attorney wrote it up, showed it to Gordon's attorney and he signed it.''
For some people, a prenuptial agreement sounds cold, like a business arrangement. But that's exactly why it's so important, said Morton. Then when financial questions come up, they're already answered.
Tatman and Daniels are toying with the idea of a prenuptial agreement. They've decided that Tatman, who is childless, will move into Daniels' Virginia Beach home. Next they'll try to figure out what to do with the various insurance policies, stocks and bonds and bank accounts.
The reality of remarriage is sinking in, but the couple is still looking forward to getting married in the next couple of months.
``There is a lot to doing this,'' Daniels conceded, nodding. ``But we've had no trouble except for redecorating. He wants his stereo in the family room.'' MEMO: The next Senior Issues Series seminar will deal with safety in the home.
The discussion will be March 23 at 7 p.m. in the conference room of the
Kempsville Library. Call 420-1788.
ILLUSTRATION: Photos by PETER D. SUNDBERG
Gordon Morton, left, who helps run the Widowed Persons Services,
holds a discussion with Tom and Barbara Grubbs at the remarriage
seminar.
A small crowd attends the remarriage seminar at the Kempsville
Libary. It takes some people as long as five or six years to accept
a divorce or a spouse's death, according to researchers.
REMARRIAGE TEST
Thinking of remarriage? Ask yourself these questions, as
suggested by the Widowed Persons Service:
Has enough time elapsed since your loss to effectively work at a
new relationship?
Why do you wish to remarry? Love? Security? Companionship? Money?
Sex? Loneliness?
Have you been completely honest with your new partner and your
new partner with you?
Would both of you agree to counseling if, in the future, problems
arose which you could not resolve?
Would both parties be agreeable to a prenuptial agreement if an
attorney advised it?
How will finances be handled and by whom in the new marriage?
Will existing insurance policies be changed or new ones
purchased?
In whose home will you live?
What church will you attend, if any?
Will former friends be included in the new marriage on social
occasions?
How do family and friends feel toward the prospective new
partner?
If you have adult children, have they raised any objections to
your remarriage?
Are your children concerned about their inheritance if you
remarry?
Do your children ask for financial help or loans, and how will
your new spouse react to that?
Do your children like your new partner?
How many times will your new spouse call you by the dead spouse's
name before you become unglued?
by CNB