THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, April 2, 1995 TAG: 9503310281
SECTION: CHESAPEAKE CLIPPER PAGE: 02 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: Random Rambles
SOURCE: Tony Stein
LENGTH: Medium: 84 lines
Jean Mott wouldn't kid you. Being the foster parent of a teenager is a challenge. It can be an emotional roller coaster ride that tests every parenting skill good sense and good experience ever gave you.
But there are kids out there in Chesapeake who need help. That's the bottom line. That's what Mott is talking about. She's foster home specialist for the Chesapeake Human Services Bureau, and she's recruiting some good foster homes like the Marines are pursuing those Few Good Men.
The background of the need is an unhappy one. It's a grim story of numbers. Child protective services are having to handle more and more complaints, are having to put their sheltering arms around more and more youngsters. Ask Mott why and she gives you her personal opinion.
``It's the stress of the times and changing moral values,'' she says. ``There's pressure within families, on both men and women.''
Cases of sexual molestation are on the upswing, too, Mott says. Part of the increase comes from the fact that people are less reluctant to report abuse, but Mott passed along a chilling comment from an expert in the field: ``In each city block, there is at least one home where incest or sexual abuse is taking place.''
Sexual abuse isn't the only reason for putting a child in foster care. Physical violence or parental neglect can trigger a move. If the kids aren't adequately clothed or fed or supervised, foster care is a rescue option.
Not a quick or casual option, though. Social workers want to mend families, not fracture them. So if the home can be made safe for the child, maybe by removing the abusive parent, that's what happens.
``It used to be that we would remove the child,'' Mott says, ``but that was punishing the child. Now we look to removing the parent. There is also the option of allowing the child to live with a relative.''
Another situation goes by the name of CHINS, Child in Need of Services. That's the label for the situation in which parents tell the court that their kid is out of control, that both they and the kid need professional help.
Prospective foster parents don't just raise their hands and open their doors. They undergo a background investigation, personal interviews in their homes and seven weeks of training sessions.
Part of the investigation is a financial check. Not that foster parents have to be down-scale Donald Trumps. It's just that a home harried by financial problems might wind up no more secure than a boozy tightrope walker.
And yet being a good foster parent means sort of walking an emotional tightrope.
``You take the child into your home and treat him or her like your own child,'' Mott explains. ``You become attached and give of yourself, but you don't become so attached that you won't be able to let go. Because our first goal is to have the child return home. Loving but being able to let go is one of the hardest things you can do.''
So maybe, there you are, the sudden temporary parent of a teenager. While you're thinking warm, safe and loving home, don't forget the discipline, Mott says. Don't forget that kids need rules to live by, sometimes desperately want those rules. Corporal punishment is out. ``Try the Magic 1-2-3 method,'' Mott suggests.
The kid breaks a rule and you say, ``That's 1.'' The second there's an infraction, you say ``That's 2.'' When you get to 3, it's punishment time. But don't punish when you're angry, Mott warns. Cool down first. And be consistent. Don't ignore it one time and jump on it the next.
Despite the care that goes into choosing and training new foster parents, not every candidate is a winner. Mott cited the case of a new foster parent who had a baby and an 8-year-old for just one day. She asked social workers to take them back because the baby, who had an ear infection, cried all night and the 8-year-old was ``clingy.''
Nor is there much of a financial reward in foster parenting. The top support allowance is $379 a month for kids 13 and over. Watch some teens raid the fridge and you wonder if that amount will keep them in snacks.
But Mott will tell you that there are other rewards. I can tell you that there are other rewards. My wife and I had a foster child some years ago who weathered rocky young years to become a successful wife, mother and office worker. She's made it clear to us that we helped.
Mott knows some horror stories about foster care problems, but she also knows a lot of success stories in cases where success has meant a young life turned around, a life made whole. Success doesn't come any better than that. MEMO: To learn more about the foster care program, call 543-9211. by CNB