THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, April 9, 1995 TAG: 9504050065
SECTION: REAL LIFE PAGE: K1 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: He Said, She Said
SOURCE: Kerry Dougherty and Dave Addis
LENGTH: Medium: 100 lines
DAVE SAYS:
Gee, Kerry, somebody seems to have left a very interesting poll on my desk. I suspect it might be somebody with dark hair and an evil little smirk on her face, but maybe I'm just suspicious by nature.
The poll, which was placed strategically between my coffee cup and my copy of The Racing Form, where I'd be sure to notice it, seems to be a nationwide survey of what women prefer to do when they have some free time. I'm a little surprised at the results:
1. ``Go out to dinner'' - 33%
2. ``Visit a friend'' - 31%
3. ``Read a book or magazine'' - 21%
4. ``Go to the movies'' - 12%
5. ``Rent a video'' - 3%
Women, as a race of humans, adopted the phrase ``You never pay any attention to me'' as their motto. But if that poll is accurate - and, after all, it adds up to 100 percent - not one of the women responded: ``Curl up on the couch with my husband/boyfriend, sip a little wine and stare into the fireplace.''
Makes me wonder why I bother to trim my toenails.
Can this be true, Kerry? Is it possible that no woman's first choice for her free time involves spending it with a guy? I guess it's possible that ``Go out to dinner'' and ``Go to the movies'' might assume male participation, since men usually foot the bill.
But when a woman says ``Visit a friend,'' we know she's not talking about a guy. What she means is, ``Visit a girlfriend so we can complain to each other, over cheese and crackers, that men are nothing but crumbs.''
And when she says ``Read a magazine,'' we know that really means that she'll huddle in a beanbag chair with a quart of ice cream and a copy of Cosmo featuring some article like, ``72 Ways Your Man Resembles a Can of Spam.''
The only men allowed near this activity are a couple of guys named Ben and Jerry.
I suppose it's possible that the women who were polled interpreted ``free time'' to mean time spent away from guys. But if we apply a little reverse logic, that means women consider time spent with men to be an obligation of sorts, like time spent cleaning the oven or sorting the laundry.
I shudder to think what would happen if I referred to my time with my fiance that way. She might accept ``sleep'' as my first preference, or maybe ``shooting pool'' high up in the rankings, but if she didn't show up near the top of my leisure-time list, I think I might wind up with all the free time my hard little heart desired.
Did I read this thing right, Kerry? Do we really rate that low on y'all's list of favorite things to do?
KERRY SAYS:
Getting a bit prickly, aren't we, Dave?
Leave it to a man to take a poll like this personally.
My first reaction was ``Yesss! I am not alone. At least 97 percent of womankind also cringe when their husbands utter those dreadful words: `Honey, I'm bringing home a video tonight.' ''
Which translates into ``Get dinner on the table, then it'll just be you, me and Arnold.''
And after cleaning up the mess from dinner you get to plop down on the sofa and watch a guy-flick until you are numbed into a fitful sleep by 90 minutes of senseless violence and steroids.
Wow, Dave, what an imaginative, wonderful evening. No need to trim those toenails after all.
Which brings me to the most significant part of the poll: dining out.
The only surprise here is that a measly 33 percent of women picked this as their favorite activity.
Men could not be expected to understand this. Dave, many men - dare I say most - eat just about every meal out. That is, they find food magically prepared for them as dinnertime approaches (it is the same kind of magical experience they have when dirty clothes disappear from the floor and reappear, neat and clean, in drawers).
As in most marriages, my husband is the primary hunter and gatherer and I have to cook the meat.
So my idea of a splendid evening of ``free time'' is one where I don't have to cook but I do get something to eat - the company I keep is secondary.
This became crystal clear to me last summer when we vacationed at a rustic family camp in West Virginia. I noticed the women really seemed to enjoy the dining hall experience, while the men seemed displeased with a half-mile hike up a mountain to chow down on meatloaf and mashed potatoes.
Most women will give a three-star rating to any meal they didn't have to cook - even if it's served at picnic tables with mosquitoes on the side. That jumps to four stars if they don't have to plunge their hands into soapy water at the end.
Before you get your hair in too tight a knot, Dave, I'd better tell you that your fiance slipped me your responses to the same poll questions:
1. Channel surf between World Wide Wrestling and the Vanna White Thigh-toner infomercial.
2. Attend a Sly Stallone/Steven Segal double feature.
3. Spend an hour deciding which six-pack of beer to smuggle into No. 2.
4. Re-arrange the couch cushions so we can't tell you've been deposited there all day.
5. Pretend to nap until your nose tells you dinner's just about ready.
by CNB