THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, April 16, 1995 TAG: 9504120036
SECTION: REAL LIFE PAGE: K1 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: HE SAID, SHE SAID
SOURCE: KERRY DOUGHERTY & DAVE ADDIS
LENGTH: Long : 115 lines
DAVE SAYS:
I turned on the noon news last Sunday to see if I'd won $18 million in the lottery. All I got for my effort was an earful of the National Organization for Women's march in Washington.
Maybe I was just depressed that I'd lost again, Kerry, and that I'd be back in the office Monday instead of packing for a trip to Pago-Pago. But the footage of the NOW rally really left me flat.
I agree with NOW's overall statement, that violence against women is a scourge, and I'd never make light of a commitment to stop it. Even if it's a bit of a stretch to include Newt Gingrich in your definition of violence, it's at least a plausible political argument.
But I couldn't believe that such a savvy, talented group of women could be so lame at running a demonstration. And with all those TV cameras there, too. What an embarrassment.
With so many actresses, singers, songwriters, poets laureate and other writers on board, NOW really should be able to come up with something better than those worn-out slogans they were chanting last weekend.
Hey-hey. Ho-ho. (Whatever we're mad at) has got to go!
Not to mention the classic,
Whadda we want? (Whatever!) When do we want it? Now!
Jeez, Kerry, those were bad enough 25 years ago, when the hippies used them. The hippies at least had the excuse of being hopelessly whacked out on marijuana. Endless repetition of banalities was about all they - OK, OK, make it we - could handle.
Every demonstration you see uses these same all-purpose chants. Whether it's smoking, abortion, gun control, or a march by the political-action arm of Fair Play for Albanian Mimes, they are bound to be droning, Whadda we want? .
The women's movement needs some new, '90s-style, stick-it-in-yer-ear sloganeering that will send a jolt of fear
through every pair of Jockey shorts within range.
Something like,
We'll scream and shout,
we'll cheer and root,
we'll use spiked heels
to crush that Newt!
Or, how about,
We'll kick and scream, we'll rock 'n' roll,
We'll dig a big pit and bury Bob Dole!
You're pretty clever, Kerry. Why don't you do sisterhood a favor and come up with some new marching music for them?
And it would keep you out of my hair for a while.
KERRY SAYS:
What hair, Dave? You wouldn't have any hair in that picture if it weren't for a friendly photographer and a black ink pen.
Listen, the reason the slogans you heard at the NOW rally were stale as month-old toast was that in 25 years the women's movement hasn't had time to sit around writing ditties. Most women are too busy - between work, home, kids and the occasional demonstration - to spend time dreaming up clever slogans to amuse bearded couch potatoes watching CNN.
The reason I wasn't in Washington was twofold. Not only was I too busy, but I was uninspired. No one ever seems to demonstrate about the stuff that drives me crazy.
I can think of only a few things irritating enough to make me risk splinters from a placard.
Pantyhose.
Go ahead, laugh. But pantyhose are a major headache for most working women and an indignity that no man would suffer.
They're expensive, impractical and almost as annoying as making less money than men.
Yes sir, next time there's a picket line in front of the L'Eggs Company headquarters, count me in.
No more runs, no more snags
Throw them in the garbage bag.
Another thing that needs protesting is the expectation that women are the only ones capable of writing thank-you notes.
Sounds silly, right? But if my husband asks me, albeit politely, one more time if ``we've'' written a thank-you note to the Smiths for dinner on Saturday, I'm going to do something awful with my fountain pen. A recent study found that only 17 thank-you notes were written by men in the entire United States last year, leaving more than a billion written by females.
Don't try that ``you all have better handwriting'' argument, either.
One, two, three, four
We won't write your notes no more.
Another thing most women are ready to rebel against is greeting cards. A recent national survey showed that the average American woman spends two weeks a year dealing with greeting cards - for Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries and other aggravating Hallmark moments.
Explain to me, please, why is it that as soon as a woman marries she suddenly has to remember twice as many birthdays and anniversaries as she did when she was single. I sometimes find myself sending warm birthday greetings to people I've never met.
Hey, hey, hey, it's not so hard
It's your brother's birthday
YOU send the card.
In short, what bugs me and lots of my female friends is that not only do we get to work outside the home - where we still make less money than our male counterparts. We also get to do most of the work IN it.
Gee, how did we get so lucky?
Most women I know work at least 40 hours at their paid jobs, then come home to do the extra chores that used to be part of the job description for what we called housewives.
So here's a slogan for guys like you, Dave. I thought it up while I was cooking a well-balanced meal for my family, reading Shakespeare with the children and worrying about work:
Get off the couch
Put down that book
I worked all day
It's your turn to cook!
by CNB