THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, May 2, 1995 TAG: 9505020036
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY MATTHEW BOWERS, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 187 lines
JUDY RUBIN and Karen Richards place lined pads and black pens in front of four gray upholstered chairs, two on each side of a glass-topped conference table.
A half-pot of coffee warms on a sideboard. Rubin and Richards don't know how long this is going to take. They've set aside two hours. Richards worries whether the coffee will last.
It's the second of what they expect will be three mediation sessions between former lovers. It could be a tough one. Mediation can be difficult when children are involved.
Petty Officer 1st Class Eugene Smith, a Navy storekeeper, wants to be a real father to his 8-year-old son, Darrius, and start spending time with him. The boy has balked - until recently, he hadn't seen his birth father in six years, and his mother's new husband already has filled the parenting role nicely. The boy's mother, Wanda Smith, a supermarket deli clerk, has sided with the child.
The Smiths went to court expecting to do battle. Instead, a Juvenile and Domestic Relations District judge sent them here, to the Dispute Settlement Center, a non-profit mediation and arbitration facility tucked between an auto-parts store and a barbecue eatery on Tidewater Drive. Rubin is a staff mediator and Richards is a volunteer one.
At their first two-hour session two weeks ago, Eugene and Wanda sat stiff and formal. A lot of anger and distrust had built up over the years. Wanda didn't want to upset her young son's life.
But by the end of that session, she had agreed to a trial visit - a Sunday trip to the mall, father and son. Some video-arcade games and a bite to eat.
Now, at today's session, they'll talk about how things went and take it from there.
This crucial second meeting hasn't gotten off to a flying start, though. Wanda mixed up the dates and missed the original appointment. Now, Eugene has forgotten the rescheduled time and has to be called at his office.
The four sit down a half-hour late. They have work to do.
Norfolk's courts send almost all child-custody and visitation matters to mediation; other cities in the area use the technique in varying degrees. The Dispute Settlement Center receives the overflow that the Norfolk court staff can't handle.
Including walk-ins and other referrals, such as those from Navy Family Services, the center's family cases have doubled annually in recent years. It expects to handle more than 200 in 1995. To make the service affordable, non-court clients are charged fees based on their income.
The use of mediation similarly is increasing across the country, in all types of conflicts. It helped resolve the Lake Gaston water battle between Virginia and North Carolina.
The Dispute Settlement Center, an affiliate of the Better Business Bureau of Greater Hampton Roads, began in 1990 serving business clients. It still handles those, along with landlord-tenant disputes and neighborhood squabbles, but now family cases make up fully half its caseload.
Mediation is gaining favor because it reduces the load on court dockets and, many believe, it can work better than a courtroom slugfest that makes everyone into a winner or a loser. The idea is that if both sides can instead agree on an outcome, guided by objective mediators who smooth the way for calm discussion, the parties are more likely to be happy with and obey it.
Perhaps there's no better place for mediation than in domestic cases. Such legal conflicts are often emotional, always personal and, where children are involved, potentially harmful.
``In custody cases, the persons always hurt are the children,'' said Norfolk Circuit Judge Charles E. Poston, a former juvenile court judge who supports mediation.
It might be OK to fight in court over pots and pans, he said, but not over children. It makes more sense for the parents to decide how and where they're going to raise their children than for a stranger like him to do it for them.
At a time when the dissolving family is being blamed for problems ranging from poor schoolwork to violent crime, children's advocates say it pays to help parents remain active in child-rearing, even if they're not married or together any more. When they are active, they tend to cooperate better in visitation agreements and pay child support more regularly. And if they mutually agree on a custody arrangement, it's more likely to be followed without additional strife.
When custody disputes were settled by the courts, said Kevin J. Moran, who supervises six mediators for Norfolk's juvenile court, ``usually, neither side liked the outcome. Because they put their faith in the hands of a judge. And quite often, they didn't get everything they wanted.
``It just intensifies the negative feelings divorcing couples have about each other. When they walk out of court, they don't forget about that. It's just another bit of tension plaguing their relationship. Which inevitably is transferred to their children.''
But mediation isn't the right answer for every domestic conflict. Chesapeake Circuit Judge E. Preston Grissom, who used forms of mediation when he presided in juvenile court, said the traditional adversarial court process is needed when parties simply can't resolve their differences.
``Sometimes people suffering the emotional pain of separation are incapable of making decisions in the best interest of their children,'' he said.
Mediation, he warned, is ``not a cure-all. It's just a tool.''
Eugene and Wanda Smith face mediators Rubin and Richards across the modern conference table in the Dispute Settlement Center.
They're following the rules: mutual respect - as in no name-calling - talking one at a time and addressing the mediators, not each other. Rubin often repeats and summarizes: ``I think what I'm hearing you say is . . .''
By law, their discussions are confidential. The mediators can't be subpoenaed, and the parties agree not to use in court anything they hear in mediation. Mediators, however, can report suspected child abuse. Most mediators are volunteers, and they must be state-certified, usually after 100 hours of training.
People in family mediation often cry. Some leave early, slamming doors. Sometimes older children or new spouses are invited to participate. The center estimates a success rate of 60 percent to 70 percent in court-referred cases, and 85 percent to 90 percent when couples come in on their own.
``It takes people a couple of hours to buy into it, that they can talk freely about it,'' said Jerry Grohowski, a volunteer mediator and president of the BBB. ``But once they do, you do see fireworks.''
``Everybody's right to want to have their children, to want to love them and take care of them,'' said Laurie Grohowski, executive director of the Dispute Settlement Center and Jerry Grohowski's wife. ``That's what makes it so hard. . . . With a few exceptions, parents really want to do what's best for their children.''
As a reminder, the Grohowskis have made clients hold photos of their children under their chins.
Mediators usually have more time than judges to work out settlements. This can lead to creative agreements:
A railroad worker with an irregular schedule worked out an elaborate messaging system to alert the other parent if he was going to be late picking up their child.
A military father transferred across country arranged a nightly computer link to continue helping his son with his homework.
A woman agreed to go to her ex-husband's house during the day to watch their children until they reached school age, and to watch other kids there for pay. Evenings, when her former spouse returned home from work, she went back to her new home and her new husband.
Like many others, Eugene and Wanda didn't know about mediation before the judge sent them to the center. Despite their stiff beginning, though, they began to appreciate the chance to talk about what really bothered them.
``I probably would say this will work better than if the judge sat down and said, `This is the way it's going to be,' without addressing some of our concerns,'' Eugene says. ``It gave me a chance to to say, `Here, this is what I'm offering and what I want. Let's compromise and negotiate.' ''
Wanda agrees, saying, ``It gave us both a chance to express our feelings and concerns, whereas the judge wouldn't have gone that far.''
Eugene earlier had told Rubin and Richards he thought the trial visit had gone well, even though he'd had to take young Darrius home early because the boy's allergies had flared up. Darrius had loved Eugene's big Rottweiler, Rock.
Now it's Wanda's turn. Rubin has already noticed what she calls the ``transformation'': The former couple sit more relaxed, even leaning toward each other.
Rubin asks Wanda how it went from her end. And smiles at the answer.
Wanda agrees that it seemed to have gone well. Her son was happy. In fact, he wondered when he could see Eugene again. The trial visit largely erased her fears.
A big hurdle is down. The rest will comes relatively easy.
Eugene wants to go slowly. He suggests picking up Darrius every other weekend, sometimes with his son spending the night, if he wants to. Wanda promises to send along church clothes when this happens. They discuss pickup and drop-off times.
``This is the weekend - is 9 o'clock appropriate?'' Eugene asks.
``That's OK,'' Wanda answers.
Rubin prompts and praises. Richards writes the main points on a large easel pad.
Wanda would like Darrius on Christmas afternoons - her family has big parties for her mother's birthday that day. Eugene wants Darrius to attend the reunion his large family has each summer.
Rubin and Richards leave to type up the agreement. There's a red bumper sticker on a file cabinet at Rubin's elbow: ``Virginia Is for Lovers, Mediation Is for Ex-Lovers.''
The two-page document contains some legalese - it later will be entered as a court order by a judge - but is more noteworthy for its non-legal inclusions, such as: ``Christmas is extra special for Wanda's family. . . . Both recognize that Darrius will enjoy spending time with both families on Christmas.''
Steve Smith, Wanda's husband, is mentioned. ``Eugene understands the role that Steve plays in Darrius' life and is respectful of their relationship.''
Eugene agrees to have his son call him by his first name. ``Both Wanda and Eugene want to make sure this new situation is not complicated for Darrius, and their primary concern is for the happiness and well-being of Darrius.''
They shake hands all around. Darrius' parents leave smiling.
``It's just a wonderful thing to see people focus on the child,'' Rubin tells them.
Wanda replies, ``That's what we're here for.'' ILLUSTRATION: Color illustration by Adriana Libreros
KEYWORDS: MEDIATION BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU BBB COUNSELING DISPUTE
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