THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, June 30, 1995 TAG: 9506290237
SECTION: VIRGINIA BEACH BEACON PAGE: 07 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: Over Easy
SOURCE: Jo-Ann Clegg
LENGTH: Medium: 86 lines
Bear with me, please, while I haul out my step stool and soap box, climb up and sound off.
I am about to rant and rave for the next few hundred words about what I consider to be one of the most serious threats to our community, our country and, indeed, the world.
It's a threat that's in our homes, our workplaces, our churches and synagogues, our clubs and organizations, our bodies and our minds.
It sometimes raises our blood pressure, frequently saps our strength, often numbs our brains and always darkens our spirits.
It is tricky to diagnose, difficult to confront, rarely - if ever - talked about and almost impossible to eradicate.
It is the hateful, pervasive invasion of the subterranean culture known as the Funbusters, those people who spend their private moments in some dank, dark cellar of the mind conjuring up ways to burst our bubbles, spoil our fun and rain on our personal parades.
They are the people who, when you drive up in a shiny new car, feel compelled to announce that they knew somebody who bought one just like it last year.
``It was such a lemon,'' the Funbuster announces with grim satisfaction, ``that he had to have it towed to the junkyard with only 5,000 miles on the odometer.''
They are the people who, seeing you in a new outfit, say something like, ``It's good that you can wear that style. I gave up wearing those years ago because they made me look so old and dumpy.''
The comment is made worse by the fact that the Funbuster who makes it is always 25 pounds lighter and 15 years younger than you are.
Funbusters are the ones who never watch comedies because they're silly, never read popular novels because they have no deep social meaning, prefer Wagner to Strauss because Strauss waltzes have no substance, ignore the comics because they're a waste of time and don't go to movies because there hasn't been a good one made since ``Gone With the Wind.''
They don't enjoy beaches because they're too sandy, the Boardwalk because it's too sunny or festivals because they're too crowded.
They kill the scent of honeysuckle with weed killer because it's a pest, chop down mature magnolias because their leaves are resistant to both rakes and lawn mower blades and won't plant flowering fruit trees because their limbs are weak.
Funbusters consider a five-mile run the only real exercise, rubbing alcohol the only acceptable germ killer and castor oil the only effective laxative.
``No pain, no gain,'' is their favorite four-word phrase.
They are the people who, when you tell them about your new diet, hasten to tell you about a cousin who went on it last year, lost 40 pounds in a month, ended up in a hospital with gall bladder, liver and spleen problems, lost all of her hair and fingernails and gained 60 pounds back.
They are the ones who go to a 97-item salad bar, find a single piece of rusty lettuce and swear they'll never darken that restaurant's door again.
Funbusters are the folks who take the greatest pleasure in finding the spots on your water glasses, the ring around your collar and the run in your stocking.
They get even more pleasure out of the discovery if they can bring it to your attention loudly and in a crowded room.
They are the people you fervently hope will be invited to a mutual acquaintance's party on a night when you have a prior commitment.
Personally, I find it hard to believe that anyone would want to go through life living such a joyless existence as the Funbusters do.
I find it easy to believe that they would want to inflict the pain of that joyless existence on someone else.
What I'd like to see in this world that has all too much real pain and problems is a resurgence of joy in the small, everyday things.
I would like to see a world in which people would enjoy a beautiful morning without feeling compelled to remark that it will probably rain later.
I would like to see a world in which everyone laughs without apology at that which is humorous; enjoy, without apology, that which is simple to do, beautiful to look at, pleasant to listen to or delightful to smell.
I would like to see a world in which we eat, without guilt, that which is tasty; enjoy, without judging, that which is new and different and participate, without complaining, in events meant to be fun.
I would like to see a world in which the Funbusters embrace the concept of joy. I would also like to see a world in which all of us recognize - and check - the part of the Funbuster which is, unfortunately, in each of us. by CNB