THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT 
              Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: Tuesday, July 4, 1995                  TAG: 9507010032
SECTION: DAILY BREAK              PAGE: E2   EDITION: FINAL 
TYPE: Column 
SOURCE: Larry Bonko 
                                             LENGTH: Medium:   73 lines

MORE THINGS I WOULD NOT MISS ON TV

HERE ARE SOME things on TV I wouldn't miss if they disappeared tomorrow:

The entire cast of ``Saturday Night Live.''

Sitcoms with laugh tracks.

The cutesy patter of the people who do local news. Oh, no. Jane Gardner on WTKR is about to break into tears because meteorologist Duane Harding is predicting rain for the weekend.

I wouldn't miss Larry King's snakeskin suspenders.

Or Kathleen Sullivan's giggly approach to anchoring E! Entertainment Television's coverage of the O.J. Simpson trial. It's murder, Kathleen.

Or the practice of taking great old black-and-white movies and turning them into colorized eyesores. Shame on Ted Turner Broadcasting for starting it.

Or Cathy Rigby, who is forever reminding me in her infomercial that diets don't work. I know.

I wouldn't miss the monologues with Joey Buttafuoco's name in them. Make that Hugh Grant's name.

Or the syrupy Boyz II Men videos on MTV.

Or major league baseball games on cable that originate in the dark and gloomy Seattle Kingdome. Frankenstein's castle was cheerier.

I wouldn't miss Howard Stern, who degrades every female guest foolish enough to appear with him on E! Entertainment Television.

Or Pat Robertson on ``The 700 Club,'' scaring the heck out of me with his gloomy predictions about the world economy. Pat says to ``lighten up your stock portfolio.'' Should I? Really?

Or Charles Grodin on CNBC, who talks more about himself than the guests on his talk show.

Or Mandy Patinkin's way-over-the-top performance as Dr. Jeffrey Geiger on ``Chicago Hope.''

I wouldn't miss Urkel if he disappeared tomorrow.

I wouldn't miss the soap operas. OK. I'd miss ``General Hospital.''

But I wouldn't miss the precious ``Spirit of Hampton Roads'' stuff on WVEC. What is the spirit, exactly? What is Hampton Roads, exactly?

I wouldn't miss the phony-sincere hosts on the cable shopping networks who go into raptures selling dopey items such as Connie Carrott Bunny.

If WAVY's blue and purple news set disappeared tomorrow, I wouldn't miss it. It flatters nobody.

I'd miss Maty if she went away. But not Mike.

I wouldn't miss Joynes. Or Bieber.

If it disappeared tomorrow, I wouldn't miss the talk-show muck that oozes out of my TV set throughout the day. ``Geraldo'' hit bottom recently with the story of Vicki (16 engagements, eight marriages) who is sleeping with the man who impregnated her 21-year-old daughter, Wendy. Geraldo said that's cool because Wendy is sleeping with one of her mom's former husbands.

I wouldn't miss the Extreme Games on ESPN and ESPN2. You'll never convince me that as a TV sport, street luge racing is on par with arena football.

I wouldn't miss the pledge drives on PBS. They exploit Barney, for heaven's sake. Can commercials be any worse than this?

I wouldn't miss the favorite stunt used by the networks during ratings sweeps: marrying off characters who used to hate each other.

Or seeing grown-up shows on the air during the children's hour before 9 p.m. ``Mad About You'' is a good example.

I wouldn't miss those pesky little charges on my cable bill, such as city franchise fee, user fee and $1.08 for a converter box to get HBO2.

I wouldn't miss frat boy Conan O'Brien or his sidekick, Andy Richter.

I wouldn't miss talk-show guests who accuse executives in TV news of being sexist because CBS fired Connie Chung. Anybody notice that anchor Judy Woodruff is on equal footing with Bernard Shaw at CNN?

And I certainly wouldn't miss Jay Leno's longer-than-ever monologue on ``The Tonight Show.'' Twelve minutes! Too much. by CNB