THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, July 7, 1995 TAG: 9507070604
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E11 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: LISTEN UP!
LENGTH: Medium: 57 lines
Dear Smitha and Jonathan,
My best friend and I have been inseparable since eighth grade, and we used to tell each other everything. The problem is that lately I don't feel like being around her all the time. Every little thing she does is starting to annoy me, even though she doesn't really do anything wrong.
I am so frustrated. I feel like I'm pretending to be her friend, and I can't figure out what's wrong with me and why I changed my mind about her. I want to hang out with different people. I feel so shallow. How can I create some space for both of us without hurting her feelings? - Not Believing This
Dear Disbelief,
This may not be a comforting piece of news, but outgrowing a friend happens to people of all ages, all the time - and it's not always a bad thing. As we grow, our relationships are bound to change and the people you may have once been close to start drifting away.
When you discover new things about yourself, you may start reevaluating who you want to be with and branch out to different people. It is understandable that you want some space, and it is possible to get it without ending the friendship.
Sometimes it is best to come right out and talk about the problem. Tell your friend that you still care about her but that you also want to spend time with new friends. Don't expect your friend to take this lightly. No matter how nicely you say it, it is a rejection and is still bound to create some hurt feelings in your friend. However, if you convey it with real feeling, you will not have to completely end the friendship.
Another way to create some space is by using an ``external break'' - a vacation or a weekend that you ``have to'' spend with your family - as a way of breaking the cycle and putting the relationship on different terms. You may find that your friend is not heartbroken about the change and will welcome spending time with other people.
Another option is that you simply do nothing. No accusation. No confrontation. No anything. You simply let the relationship drift and ride out the awkwardness. Later, both of you may realize that you have more in common with each other than you thought and can form a different relationship on different footing.
People do change and grow apart - even best friends. When you're a teenager, the friendship bond is a strong one and breaking it can be extremely painful. The feelings of guilt and sadness are normal, but just take it one day at a time - who knows, the two of you may ``grow together'' again when both of you have had space to breathe and grow as individuals rather than as a pair. MEMO: Smitha Gottimukkala is a 1995 graduate of Norfolk Academy. Jonathan Kolm
is a 1995 graduate of Tallwood High School. Their column appears
biweekly in Teenology. You can leave them questions by calling INFOLINE
at 640-5555 and enter category 8335. by CNB