THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Saturday, July 15, 1995 TAG: 9507150327
SECTION: LOCAL PAGE: B4 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY ELIZABETH SIMPSON, STAFF WRITER
DATELINE: WILLIAMSBURG LENGTH: Medium: 93 lines
Faced with the task of naming a movie about themselves, a group of 13 stepchildren came up with titles like ``Demolition Kids, ``Slaves'' and ``Stuck in the Middle.''
But they finally settled on a less rancorous title for their self-directed video: ``Don't Trip on the Steps.''
The children were attending the 13th Annual Stepfamily Association of America Conference. Many were unwilling participants at first - ``My parents dragged me here!'' - but by the end of the morning were laughing and clowning before the camera.
In the room next door, their parents and stepparents were attending workshops on teen discipline and on blending two households.
Most of the 70 participants at the conference, which continues at the Ramada Inn through the weekend, were stepparents, but counseling professionals and children were also present.
The Stepfamily Association was founded in 1979 to help stepfamilies sort through issues of discipline, conflicts in family traditions, and all the difficulties of blended families. The nonprofit organization, based in Lincoln, Neb., has 1,500 members nationwide.
Since 40 percent of all marriages in the United States are remarriages for at least one person, the issues dealt with at the convention are familiar to many families.
The children here - ages 6 to 16 - were blunt about the pros and cons of joining two households.
Asked what things they didn't like about stepfamilies, they didn't hesitate:
``Stepparents are nice at first, and then they turn horrible,'' one 12-year-old said.
``My mom used to be pretty cool, but then she married my stepdad,'' said a 15-year-old girl.
``My stepbrother's mom always takes his side,'' said a 10-year-old boy.
But they were just as quick to names things they liked about being in stepfamilies.
``Two Christmases.''
``More grandparents,'' said another.
``More kids to play with.''
The children's names aren't used here because of the first rule of the kids' session: confidentiality.
Counselor Dave Brewer, who works for Beech Acres' Aring Institute in Cincinnati, asked the kids to think of problems in their own families to use as a script for ``Don't Trip on the Steps.''
They came up with issues like, how you would feel if you used to be the oldest in the family and then got an older stepbrother who usurped your position. Or what it's like to have a new set of rules when a stepparent moves in. Or how to hold on to old family traditions when your new stepparent and stepsiblings have other ways of doing things.
``My mom used to let me watch all these cool movies,'' lamented a 13-year-old girl. ``But now my stepdad says they're too violent.''
The childrens' movie presented scenarios from their own families, then offered some solutions, such as working together to keep peace at home.
Brewer said the video's main objective was to help the children deal with feelings of anger and uncertainty, but one participant was skeptical.
``You're gonna sell this right?'' he asked.
Not quite. Brewer does plan to show it to other stepfamilies he works with, and to the kids' parents at the end of the convention.
The Stepfamily Association of America conference will continue through Sunday with workshops starting at 9 a.m. Cost of the workshops are $30 for members, $36 for non-members. ILLUSTRATION: TIPS FOR STEPFAMILIES
Don't try to fit a preconceived role. Be truthful with
stepchildren while trying to be kind, intelligent and a good sport.
Set limits and enforce them. If parents fight over discipline,
children will quickly take advantage of the situation. Work out
simple rules in advance and support one another when the rules need
to be enforced.
Allow children a time to vent their feelings about their
parents.
Expect ambivalence.
Don't expect instant love. It takes time for bonds to be forged.
Sometimes they never are.
Don't assume all the responsibility for the relationship. The
child has some responsibility too.
Be patient.
Don't let children divide the parents' relationship.
Make sure each family member has a special place that belongs to
him or her.
For more information about Stepfamily Association of America:
800-735-0329.
Source: National Council on Family Relations.
by CNB