THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, July 18, 1995 TAG: 9507180043
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY DIANE TENNANT, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 186 lines
THE NUCLEAR family exploded on Carol Turner.
Divorce. Remarriage. Stepfathers. Death. Teenagers.
Turner's family melted down. She put locks on the windows to keep her daughter inside - and her daughter's friends outside. Her daughter ran away nine times. Tried weed. Tried sex. Tried her mother's patience and love.
``We went through hell,'' Turner said.
``I'm afraid for this generation. They were afraid for us in our hippie-dippy days? At least we loved everybody. Now they want to kill everybody. I'm really afraid now.''
Susan Whitehurst, a mother facing similar problems, looked at Turner and reminded her, ``We're been empowered to take over our families again.''
Whitehurst's teenage daughter wrecked a stolen car, took a knife to school, experimented with drugs, ran away.
But Turner and Whitehurst are at peace with themselves, and their teenagers, after four weeks of a class called Happily Parenting Teens. The classes are offered by Seton House in Virginia Beach. Seton House is a nonprofit crisis shelter for teenage girls and a counseling center for adolescents of either gender and their families.
``When I first got here, I was joking, happily parenting teens?'' Whitehurst said. But after finishing the classes, she feels differently. ``Oh, my God, I'm starting to really like it. I'm starting to enjoy my daughters,'' she said.
``Now there is fun in being a parent,'' Turner agreed. ``In the last week, I've gotten a major grip on myself. And I'm getting a different reaction from my kids.
``There's a whole lot - a whole lot - in that course. I'd recommend it to everybody.''
Gina Heidler, a counselor and parent educator at Seton House, developed the classes to help parents understand that they, as well as their teenagers, were going through life changes.
``By this time, they've probably been married 12 to 15 years. They're going through transitions where they're wondering did they make the right decisions as young adults,'' Heidler explained.
In addition, parents may be going through career changes, going back to school, starting to care for aging parents, facing up to their own declining physical abilities. By understanding their life changes, Heidler said, ``they can come to understand the vulnerability their children are going through.''
As teenagers, children are grappling with their parents for more independence. But they often don't know how to reach for it gracefully, don't know how to accept responsibility, don't understand that with choice come consequences.
At the same time, teenagers' mental development allows them to realize that their parents are not perfect, that friends are talking about them behind their backs, that things can - and do - go wrong. That leads to stress, which may collide with their parents' own stress, which can lead to an explosion.
``Mommy and Daddy were on a pedestal until the children were about the age of 11,'' Heidler said. ``How come this little darling who had arms to hold me for so many years doesn't need me and is, in fact, distancing me? We can become hurt and crushed and in a state of bewilderment.
``When they tell us we're dorks and we don't have any idea of how to live, we have to realize this is normal for them. And now we need to learn to let go. But we don't want to let go too much. They have such a need for this independence, but they still need for us to be there.''
Turner didn't realize how her own life changes, including remarriage and developing a relationship with her new husband, were affecting her teenage daughter.
``We ended up having very turbulent periods of adjustment, that we were no longer mom and the two kids as the nuclear family,'' she said. ``I ended up doubting myself.''
Turner said she felt like a swimmer in shark-infested waters. ``It makes you falter,'' she said. ``That can make a difference as to whether you stay above water or you go under. I kept sinking. I didn't drown, but I was sinking.''
Turner grasped at what she thought might be a life preserver: the parenting classes. She learned to relax and stop trying to control her children, to respect their growing independence while making sure they knew the possible consequences, to ask rather than tell, to think with her heart before speaking.
Bad consequences are acceptable, as long as teens learn from them, she said. Instead of forbidding her daughter to have sex again, Turner said, she encourages the girl to be celibate for just a week at a time, to forgive herself when she lapses, to try again.
Whitehurst told her daughters the same thing. ``You have the freedom to make the choice, but not to choose the consequences,'' she said. ``I use it in my own life. I can choose to do this, but what are the consequences?''
Heidler said that all teens need flexibility but that they also need high expectations, limits and an understanding of logical consequences. Parents have the right to set expectations and consequences.
Setting those limits gives children an ``out'' when peer pressure tries to steer them wrong. For example, they can say, ``My mom says if I'm not home by 12 o'clock, I'm not gonna go out for the next two weekends. I have to go home now.''
``Our children really care about our thoughts,'' Heidler said. ``I see that all the time from the kids who come in here. They want their parents' input and thoughts.
``As mother and father, they are the leaders in their family, not the controllers.''
The classes, she said, give parents permission to lead, to ask questions about where their children are going and what their friends are doing, to set realistic limits and enforce them with the same love they showed when their children were toddlers.
``You have to keep on being a parent,'' Heidler said. ``I care about this child every bit as much as I cared about him as an infant. We're not their buddies; we're their parents. That doesn't mean we can't be their friend in time of need.''
Communication, Whitehurst said, is the key. When parents show themselves willing to listen, teens will open up, she said.
Parents can't do all the talking, or the lecturing, Turner agreed.
``I try to pause if I feel like I'm going to blow,'' she said. ``Pause for a minute. Take a deep breath. Let it go down to my heart. Take a good look at it as my heart would see it, and then say it gently and calmly and peacefully.
``For a period of time, I wasn't the mother she was used to. Now part of me is back. Sometimes we throw them for loops, and we don't realize we do that.'' ILLUSTRATION: Color staff illustration by Adrianna Libreros
[side bar]
Tips for teens' parents
THE TEEN YEARS are longer now, thanks to puberty at a younger age
and a tight job market that may keep older kids at home longer. Here
are some tips for parents with teenagers:
Understand that your own lives are changing. You're not the same
person you were 10 years ago. Neither are your teenagers.
Be less rigid and more flexible.
Teens have a need for increased independence. Let them make
choices, but teach them that with that independence comes increased
personal responsibility.
Answer honestly when they ask if you did some weird things when
you were a teen, but tell them about the consequences you paid.
Set limits, so your kids have an ``out'' to resist peer pressure.
Tell your kids it's OK to use mom and dad as an excuse. Give them
``out'' lines, such as this one for refusing sex: Condoms may
protect my body, but will they protect my heart and self-esteem?
Set realistic and reasonable expectations.
Be an active listener. Talk, don't lecture. Don't make arbitrary
decisions. They are disrespectful, and you don't like it when your
boss makes arbitrary decisions about you.
Be there for them. Sometimes things happen that are beyond their
control. Major consequences shouldn't result from things beyond
their control.
Be a parent, not a buddy.
Take time for yourself. If you feel resentful for not meeting
your own needs, you can't meet theirs.
Understand that family is the first priority. It comes before
work and housework.
Love your teenagers. They need and want to be hugged and to know
you love them, even when they're distancing themselves from you.
Even when you have to correct them, make sure they know you care
about them and you're not just punishing them. Discipline with love;
don't punish for control.
Understand that good things will filter out of your family into
the community and world.
Choose your battles wisely. Do you really want the fact that
they're talking on the phone about ``nothing'' to come between you?
Instead of obsessing over the amount the time they spend on local
phone calls, spend that time with your own spouse.
Know that social needs - like phone calls - are the most
important needs of teens, although your needs may be different.
Stay connected, even when you're at work. Leave them a note on
the mirror; call them from the office.
Don't be afraid of your kids. Ask questions about where they're
going and what they're doing. Don't let them push you out of their
lives.
Tell them that it's not OK just because Johnny's family lets him
do it. Your family sets its own rules.
Understand that other parents are having the same problems you
are.
Graphic
PARENTING CLASSES
The four-week Happily Parenting Teens classes are offered each
month by Seton House, a nonprofit crisis shelter for teenage girls
and a counseling/hotline service for teens of both genders and their
families. The next classes begin July 25. Cost is $20. For more
information or to register, call Gina Heidler at 498-4673.
KEYWORDS: PARENTING CLASS TEENAGER by CNB