THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, July 23, 1995 TAG: 9507220093
SECTION: VIRGINIA BEACH BEACON PAGE: 07 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: On the Street
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Bill Reed
LENGTH: Medium: 73 lines
Are you a closet channel surfer? Yeah? Then you've gotta be a guy.
As far as I know, and it's almost a scientifically proven fact, guys are the only mammals extant that slouch slack-jawed in overstuffed chairs in front of TVs, feet propped up on stools, remotes clutched in one hand, flipping through 793 cable channels as fast as their hairy thumbs can punch the ``forward'' button.
Females of the species? Nah.
Generally they can't be bothered. Once they catch their favorite soaps, sit-coms, talk shows or tabloid news programs, they're off doing more constructive things.
Like painting their toe nails, skimming through mail order catalogs that arrive daily, making out errand lists for husbands or boyfriends, balancing checkbooks or reading the latest bodice rippers.
Once in a while they'll glance up to see what the male half of the grouping is doing. Generally, they look for signs of drool at the corners of the slack mouths or watch bloodshot eyeballs glaze over from hours upon hours of switching from pro golf to pro tennis to pro volleyball to pro baseball to pro pool to pro billiards to pro stock car racing to pro motorcycle racing to pro jet ski racing to pro wrasslin'.
If that's not what those male types are watching, there are always the cartoons. There's even an all-cartoon channel available, but you have to pay extra for it, thereby throwing cold water on a guy's enthusiasm for viewing 24 hours of cartoons.
Nevertheless, my favorites are the old Looney Tunes features, with Bugs, Elmer, Sylvester, Daffy, Tweety and the gang. Even after watching them over and over for decades, I still yuk yuk mindlessly at their antics. At least there is some humor to them, which is more than you can say for the animated super heroes on Saturday mornings and weekday evenings.
Ah, but the kids love it. The more evil the techno-monsters menacing the masked heroes and heroines, the better they like it.
Beavis and Butt-head are animated features of a different mold. Weird, man. Their devotees tend to be just entering or leaving puberty. MTV fans usually represent a segment of the population of the same hormonal level. Zit cream and the latest rock and rap CD releases are their bag.
Older guys tend to watch John Wayne or Clint Eastwood reruns. Charles Bronson flicks are another favorite. The Three Stooges are a must for males. Guys love 'em. Women hate 'em. Don't ask me why.
A personal favorite on the A&E channel each weekday evening at 7 p.m. is the ``Rockford Files'' reruns, starring James Garner. Nearly two decades have passed since the old P.I. solved his last case, but - for the most part - he still holds up as fresh and entertaining as the day he first aired on prime-time TV. Good writing and good casting are hard to beat.
Can't say that about most of the drivel on local cable channels. It is endless and boring, with the exception of the few channels that offer history, science, nature or travel fare.
But, that's really old fogey's stuff, isn't it? I mean, what kid under 30 would be caught dead seeing how Hannibal, his Carthaginian army and a bunch of elephants tramped across the Alps to battle the Romans at Cannae and Lake Transimene in 216 and 217 BC? Or how many pre-boomers care about the biographies of Mozart, John D. Rockefeller or Al Capone?
Zip, that's how many. Well, maybe a few class nerds, but that's all.
The rest want ``Seinfeld,'' ``Roseanne,'' ``Frazier'' or ``Fresh Prince of Bel-Air'' and they'll even watch a kazillion commercials featuring soap scum removers, antiperspirants, constipation relief and feminine hygiene products, weed killers, bug exterminators, overpriced cars of every variety, gourmet cat foods, dueling telephone services, anti-plaque tooth paste, mouth wash, stuffy financial consulting services and, of course, beer. by CNB