THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Monday, July 31, 1995 TAG: 9507290189
SECTION: BUSINESS WEEKLY PAGE: 06 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: Doubleclick
SOURCE: Richard and Roger Grimes
LENGTH: Medium: 90 lines
Roger: Normally, it's really hard to get Richard excited about stuff that doesn't involve Pocahontas or the Power Rangers.
The Doubleclick team, though, has been tapped to participate in an event so exciting that even Richard is blushing with anticipation.
Richard: On Aug. 19, from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m., Roger and I will be participating in a Men's Health Fair at Chesapeake Square Mall. We'll be doing the usual stuff - answering questions and arguing with OS/2 users.
Roger: The organizers of the event decided that Doubleclick was not a big enough draw to bring men to the fair, so they decided to add a sort of bonus to give the fair added value.
Richard: That's right. Come to Chesapeake Square Mall on Aug. 19, and not only can you stop by our booth for answers to nagging Windows questions, you can - get this - receive a free prostate examination.
Roger: He's not kidding.
Richard: I call dibs on first in line.
Roger: Today's column exposes you to something as nearly delicate as a prostate examination.
I refer of course to yet another Windows95 review. First, the bad news. Microsoft says that you can run Windows95 on a 386 with four megabytes of RAM. We have the following response:
Richard: Nope. No way. Nuh uh. Not a chance. Give it up.
Roger: It may crawl on that weak of a machine, but it will not run. Does that mean that you should go out and buy OS/2 instead of Windows95?
Richard: No. Nyet. Not necessarily.
Roger: Time to face facts. If you have a 386, it will not run any of the newer operating systems with any sort of speed or competency. Now brace yourself. What we're about to tell you is for your own good.
Richard: If you own an older, lamer computer, Microsoft is not to blame.
A '66 Plymouth Valiant does not have any way to hook up shoulder harness seatbelts. I have to settle for just a lap restraint, but I'm not peeved at Dodge because they have the gall to put shoulder restraints in their newer cars.
Roger: With that caveat out of the way, let's move on to the good things about Windows95.
Richard: It's easier to start programs. It's also easier to run more than one program and switch between them.
Roger: Windows uses something called a Start button. You click on the Start button and a menu with all of your programs flies open.
Click once on the program you want and it opens up. Every time you open a program, Windows95 places a button representing that program on a bar next to the Start button.
If you want to switch to another software program, you just click on its button and it instantly replaces the other program on your screen.
Richard: It's like changing channels, only there's almost no chance that you'll stumble onto a Baywatch episode.
Roger: The single best reason to switch to Windows95 is that Windows95-compatible software allows 256 letter file names.
Richard: I have a collection of digitized photographs of the Klingon woman from Star Trek Voyager.
Instead of giving them file names like klingon.gif, I can call a photograph ``Klingon Woman With Huge, Beautiful Forehead No. 3456.'' It's a lot easier to keep track of my photos now.
Roger: And when Richard is eventually arrested, it will be easier for the police to catalog the evidence.
Richard: I'll take some satisfaction, naturally, in having the healthiest prostate in prison. The big question everyone has is: ``Does Windows95 have bugs?''
Roger: Definitely. Like any other new piece of software, Windows95 has bugs.
And for this reason, don't let Microsoft's marketing bully you into buying it as soon as it comes out. If your machine, ancient 386 or otherwise, is in working order, you lose nothing by waiting a few months.
Richard: If you're getting ready to buy a new computer, though, think about Windows95. It is simpler to use.
On top of that, Microsoft has built in a great full screen video driver and coding that will make CD-ROMs and games run at a blistering speed. Multimedia cranks on this operating system.
Roger: I knew Microsoft had Richard when we found the Weezer music video was included on the installation disks. I looked to see if they had included a John Tesh video, but they hadn't. MEMO: The John Tesh fan can be reached at groger@infi.net
The happy prostate can be reached at rgrimes infi.net
Doubleclick authors Richard and Roger Grimes of Virginia Beach happen
to be twin brothers and computer authorities. Their discourse on life in
the computer lane appears every other week in Hampton Roads Business
Weekly. by CNB